quixotic. ↣ d.h.

xliii: match

    "it's the beginning of the end."
    dan bit his lip to keep a straight face. he begged his heart to steel itself in his heaving chest, clenched his cold fingers into fists and dug his ragged nails into his palms until the rock in his throat began to crumble.
    "how long?" he asked in a hoarse voice.
    the doctor, sat in the vinyl seat across from dan, toyed with the end of the stethoscope around his neck and sighed dejectedly. "a couple days, tops." upon seeing the ruptured look on dan's face, he added, "i'm sorry. i truly am. your brother's a great kid, he really is. we did everything we could."
    dan's head fell into a bow as the tears began to slide down his cheeks. he hated crying in front of others. he should have been more prepared, should have seen it coming. but deep down he'd never fully accepted adrian's fate. hidden away in some place that never saw the light of day, a place he never spoke of, he'd had blind faith in the universe to fix his little brother. he was so young, he couldn't just die like this! things like that happened but never to you, never to someone you cared about.
    except they did. it was happening. adrian was dying, fading like a wilted flower right before dan's eyes. and there was nothing he could do about it.
    the doctor was still talking, still arranging his hands in various ways in an attempt to indicate his brother's condition and what was happening inside his little body, but dan stood and shoved his way out the door.
    he held his hands over his face until he couldn't take it any more. the stoic silence of the hallway was shattered by the sound of his sobs as he slumped back against a paint-chipped wall. the cold of the tiled floor seeped through his jeans, the lights above him were far too bright for his sodden eyes, the air was dry and stung his throat as he gasped for air.
    he hadn't realized just how numb he'd been. to the fraying of his parents' relationship, to adrian's decayal, even to his fast-mounting feelings for zoe. he'd blocked out everything, coddled his heart in a million layers of bubble-wrap, and thought that if he could just hold on long enough, the universe would right itself.
"dan?"
he jumped and raised his throbbing head. zoe was stood at the end of the hall, eyes dark and concerned. when she saw the tears that were trailing down dan's cheeks, she began to walk towards him slowly, as if giving him a chance to tell her to turn back, to stay away.
as if he would ever.
the sight of zoe sparked dan's frozen brain. the universe. maybe he'd had it all wrong.
maybe the universe was more than just an inconceivable abyss that they were engulfed in. maybe it was more than the burning stars and the spinning planets and the maniacal supernovas. maybe they were the universe as well. the people that inhabited it, so small and seemingly meaningless. but perhaps they had more meaning than they thought.
yes, it was all starting to make sense now!
him, phil, zoe, lydia, james, his parents, adrian, even mr. levi. they were all stars in their own right, bright and screaming and falling away every day to the cruel circumstances of their lives. but they came back.
every single morning they would rise again, try again, begin anew in fresh golden light. so what if they were imperfect? so what if they fell apart sometimes? a strike of a match was all it took to light them once more. a match. a match. if they could just find and hold onto their match, no matter what.
zoe knelt beside dan and slid her hand into his, squeezing tightly.
dan didn't even have to think the thought; it appeared all on its own.
zoe was his match.
he could taste the salt of his tears when he kissed her.