On the One Hand...

Why Being Human Beats Being a Greek God

Nothing is more boring than immortality. After the first eon, it's all the same-like watching the same movie billions of times on endless loop without being able to leave forever. I like movies, books, stories, and lives with beginnings, middles, and ends-it makes what happens all the more compelling and poignant. It's also natural. And makes sense. Living forever in bodily form is unimaginable and somehow disturbing: just too much time to have to fill for a guy who gets antsy when the bus is over fifteen minutes late.

Greek gods are a bunch of vindictive paranoid jerks. Upset the wrong one or be perceived as a threat and you'll get eaten, forced to roll a boulder up a hill or uphold the heavens forever, have your liver pecked by an eagle forever, or be tortured with unattainable food and drink just out of reach forever. Forget being given a second chance or let off with a stern warning, even if you're innocent-once they decide, it's over.

Humans get to experience life and all its fullness through the years with a lot more freedom of self expression and thus they have way more control of their destinies. The Greek gods are extremely talented but in only very specialized fields such as hunting, war, wine, healing, art, love, and aquatics, and really don't live very well-rounded lives. For example, Ares never says, "I'll be hanging at sea,"and Aphrodite never says, "Forget this lovey-dovey stuff, I'm into war now." Too bad, it could be helpful to relive their neuroses.

Humans can take a joke, well, most can, whereas you don't ever see Greek gods laughing at themselves. Unless, perhaps, they are stinking drunk.

Human parents get to experience the crazy-high of child birth! Greek gods pop out of heads and spontaneously form from splattered blood and severed body parts. Sure, they also give birth the normal way but often to bizarre multiheaded monsters and giants and such. Can you imagine... "Look, it's a ...?"

Humans get to experience with abiding joy the simple pleasures in life, such as:

A sun set

A child's first step.

Beautiful flowers.

A first kiss.

A sleeping baby.

A child's first word.

A walk in the park.

A swim in the ocean.

A held hand.

A peaceful night's rest.

A good book.

Conversely, Greek gods are too blasé, work obsessed, and blood-thirsty for revenge to stop and enjoy these things. Wait a minute-that's just like humans. Never mind. For sure, though, Greek god offspring often appear as fully formed adults-no need for diapers; teaching them to walk or talk or to eat with their lips closed; or forcing them to do their chores to build character or to study hard to get good grades so they can enter college if they choose. This may sound like,"point for Greek gods," but really, it's "point for humans" 'cause it's a joy to get to nurture kids when they're helpless and dependent infants, toddlers, and teens and a joy to teach them via mind-numbing repetition 'cause then when they finally get something sort-of right, you can take full credit for that limited success (while blaming them, "I told you so," for their stubborn,intractable failures.) Moreover, parenting is fantastic 'cause the kids are yours, love flows all 'round, there's esprit de corps, and you've got a captive audience for your lame jokes. Plus they'll scratch your back good, unlike your lazy spouse. And you can tell them all about your past for the umpteenth time and they won't roll their eyes or run to their rooms. Unless they're teens. In which case they're grounded. Disrespectful ingrates.

Humans get to put their faith in and pray to the god or deities of their choice, trusting that such will succor them during times of distress and bless them with adequate provision. Who do Greek gods get to pray to? Their own pathetic selves! Sounds kind-of worldly when you think about it.

Humans get to depend on each other-not in dysfunctional co-dependent sorts of ways, but in the "no man is an island unto himself" sort of way. What one man does affects another. It behooves us, then, to treat each other well 'cause we never know when we'll be the one making supplication. It also just feels great to help. Greek gods ain't into that stuff. Does Zeus ever offer Atlas a hand upholding the heavens for even a second? Does Athena ever offer Tantalus a cup of ambrosia? No. They're all just into it for themselves. Thank God humans aren't that far gone. Yet.