On the One Hand...

Why the NFL is Better than MLB

I lovvvvve baseball. I played it as a kid and even its sister-sport softball as an adult. And it still is and will always be our national pastime—with good reason, because it rocks! Nonetheless, the NFL is better than MLB because:

In baseball, ninety percent of the action centers around the pitcher and catcher. But even then, ninety percent of their actions are preparatory (if you can call it that) for what comes next. For the pitcher, there's the rubbing the ball (for good luck?), walking around, fixing the cap for the thousandth time, putting the ball in the glove, standing, bending, looking, stepping away, adjusting the protective gear (not the glove), looking at an on-base opposing players, wiping the mouth and brow, spitting, etc., etc., etc., then finally throwing the ball! Which more times than not gets caught by a teammate, who throws it back to the pitcher. Sometimes it hits a batter, who pretends it doesn't hurt and slow-jogs to first base. The catcher's actions normally consist of standing, looking at the dugout, slapping a hand in the mitt, crouching, holding extended fingers by his crotch as if he has a notion to scratch, then waving his hand about and changing the number of fingers extended. The pitcher may shake his head in which case the catcher will act like he wants to scratch again with a different set of fingers. Sometimes after repeated shake-offs, the catcher will quick jog to the pitcher to talk story—maybe about the big fight on pay per view or some nice looking somebody in the center field bleachers, in which case the pitcher will act cool and slow turn to look only after the catcher is headed toward home.

Further, in baseball, there's seldom physical contact between opponents unless they're patting each others butts for good plays. Football, by contrast has tons of physical contact between opponents, including collisions at maximum velocity that seem as though someone ought to die or at least lose a head. Other collisions look unnecessarily vicious and mean—like squashing a roach in a vice. And that's precisely football's appeal and why the Superbowl is such a huge draw. Seriously, if it were flag football they were playing, would people watch? No! Because people love violence (as long as they're not the recipients). My wife says it's like modern day gladiators, whose blood baths drew huge crowds, too. (Thank God football participation is voluntary and doesn't involve real lions!)

Football has tons of variety: passes, hand offs, safeties, field goals, fumbles,interceptions, end arounds, and hook and laterals—that keep things interesting. In baseball, variety consists mostly of whether the pitcher will check the runner at first or throw a breaking ball inside or outside. Granted, baseball has the hidden ball trick, but it seldom works 'cause everyone knows about it and someone always snitches, "He still has the ball!" The bunt and steal can add spice to the game, and for a mostly non-contact sport, I guess they're kind-of interesting. Except when everyone knows they're coming.

Compared to football players, baseball players are a subdued lot. Once in a rare while a batter will rush the mound. The pitcher will wait there casual-like as if to false crack him, but then will either tackle or be tackled by him. By then, both benches will have cleared, the infield mobbed with players mulling, posturing, and vying for the most TV face-time. That's baseball players for you, even at their worst, they're restrained, perhaps to avoid later scoldings from their mothers, wives, or children.

Football players by contrast strut, taunt, strike, shove, grab, wrestle, jerk, swear, spit, and spear—often after the play is dead. Sometimes even after the game is over. Scrawny referees are called upon to disentangle combatants—sort of like biologists called upon to separate mating lions.

In football, the dominance of a team is visceral and apparent. There are: another first down, a big gain, a gain any which way, another score!, another big stop, another forced punt, another fumble recovery, another interception another opponent on his back, another sack, the opponent calling a panicked time-out, the opponent attempting a desperate on-side kick, then giving up 'cause there's not enough time. Game over before it's even over! Let the celebrations begin! The downside to this is if it's your team that's down and you're surrounded by fans of the opposing team, fans that taunt, jeer, tease, and mock your team's quarterback, defense, coach, and lack of smarts, speed, strength, and manliness, it makes you feel like screaming, crying, or bashing in the screen or your head. But because it's all just a game, it's all part of the fun, too, 'cause next year, they'll show 'em!

By contrast, baseball has mostly the score board to settle scores. And even if a team is down 7,257 to 2, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, it still has a chance to rally such as occasionally occurs when all the opposing players collapse simultaneously of food poisoning.

Baseball uniforms are decorative more than functional and lack the imposing bulk and weaponry (admit it, the helmet's a weapon) of football uniforms.

I have no ideal which sport has the cuter guys but doubtless football has the bulkier(manlier?) ones due largely to the oversized influence of steroids. Oh yeah, baseball has that problem, too. Never mind.

Bonus: NFL games are sometimes played in the mud or snow and what could be funner that those?