Thawed - ToMatt

3

(Published 9/2/17)

The soft pitter patter of the rain filled the small dim room. The storm had yet to come. Water could be heard bouncing off the leaves in the vast brush behind the house. It was still cold outside, but inside it was warm and cozy. Dark blue bedding tucked its way just below the windowsill. It was draped over the bed that had been pressed against the corner of the room just years ago. A small oak desk was just adjacent from it. Coffee stained papers, old books, ripped poems, crumpled papers, and many writing utensils were strewn across the glazed finish. A small collection of three different succulents sat just by the mess, one a bright purple, another a pale green, and the last one a soft pink that faded into red.

The gutter, just at the edge of the outside wall, flooded tremendously. It could be heard gurgling as water rushed out from it, like a tin can with a hole attempting to be filled. It was quiet amidst those calming noises. Tom could hear peace as he lived in peace. Life was much different now, and still after four years he couldn't believe it. He lay on the bed next to the window, listening closely to the sounds. He loved the rain. His eyes remained shut on his calm face until he felt his phone buzz. He peeked open an eye.

It was Matt.

He tapped the screen as he texted something else. It soon sent and he waited for his reply. A few minutes later, Tom was a grinning mess.

Tom stared at the lit screen with a faint red dusted across his cheeks, grinning widely. He was happy, yet shocked. Matt used emojis often, as well as the nickname, but he never had gotten sent the heart until now. He felt his chest flutter with both anticipation and anxiety. Maybe he was just joking around. Right?

He loved Matt's company, he loved every second of it. Tom adored all the times he'd come over, or even when he went to see him. He'd always find himself making up excuses to see him. Maybe he'd lost a book and needed to buy a new one. As he'd be looking, he sometimes "couldn't find it" and would ask Matt where it would be. It'd be one he had already read, or one that was just made up. Surprisingly, there were many books that Tom had made up and, turns out, they actually existed.

Matt was always happy to help him, but it never crossed his mind that, that was his way of flirting. Tom's heart would pound as he handed him the novel he asked for, their hands just inches from touching. The warm smile Matt gave always got to him, that light chuckle escaping his lips followed soon after. "Here you go!" He would chime, his happy demeanor almost lighting up the whole store. "Thank you..." Tom would muster to say through quiet fumbled words.

Matt was just..perfect in his eyes. After two years of being around him, he was left astounded. He wanted that feeling forever. The definition of him was practically non-existent, too incomprehensible to the human brain. Even Tom himself couldn't describe it in words. He had tried book lines, quotes, poems, songs, but nothing was ever enough. He stared at the crumpled sheets of paper on his desk, remembering some days and nights to be rougher than they seemed.

Tom strummed, vocalizing his feelings by turning them into strokes on the bass and mumbled words from his mouth. His fingers slid upwards and bent a weird way to get a certain key and he continued the small symphony of a song until he sighed. He crumpled the paper before him and tossed it aside on his desk to join the others.

He couldn't tell him anyway. There would be a chance of ruining everything. It would be all his fault. He would lose his best friend. He wondered if there was a special person in Matt's life. His mind wandered to his made-up answer. A girl. He frowned at his negative thoughts. He repressed his feelings for so long that internalized thoughts and fake fantasies became a reality to him. They never actually happened, however, but to Tom they did. Like the thought of himself getting rejected.

Tom was a lonely guy and his only dream was to be lonely with someone else. That someone else just happened to be his best friend, and that's where, it seemed to him, unrealistic.