Thawed - ToMatt

10

Water beat gently against the windows and collected in small drops. They soon became too heavy to stick and drizzled down the translucent panes. The sky was intimating and dark with a thick layer of rain clouds.

Matt's lips pressed against Tom's, only for a firm, split second before he scurried off to the bathroom. Those soft lips, that forceful move, they made him think. Past it serving as erotica, Tom thought on those actions. He held him so tightly, yet he let go so easily. He kissed him firmly, but he pulled away so quickly. He was over-analyzing again. What a waste it may be. Tom furrowed his brows and glared down at his lap. His fingers loosened on the frets of his guitar. A light blue hue tinted at his grey bedding; he glanced at his open-blinded window and out into the rain. Drops plunked against the window like a passive-aggressive lullaby.

He wished for another kiss.

A pure moment of innocence, where one could count on lip-locking and intertwined fingers to bring tranquility. Tom yearned for that with Matt. He got a sample of it and now he wanted the full thing. He traced his lips with his hand. What a wonderful kisser. His small smile dropped a bit.

He loved Matt.

It was useless. Love. Once you fall in it, it's impossible to fall out; and if you do, it kills. Matt had given him a feeling. A warm feeling, one that seemed to thaw his cold life.

Tom breathed out a sigh and fell back onto his bed. It was hopeless to love someone so handsome and gentle as Matt. His looks and personality were beyond comprehension. Every single detail of him was flawless, his fluffy orange hair, the way it stuck up in many directions; his clear, almost unblemished skin; his freckles, which were dotted across his nose and cheeks, all flecks of random melanin that apparently had purpose to be there. His voice was dorky and high pitched, and grew even cuter as he got excited. His laugh was almost as gentle as the soft ring of bells.

Everything about him was perfect. Every trait was placed just right on him, all in the right way. Tom glanced out the window once more. Matt hadn't responded to his texts a week. He was too nervous to call himself, but he hadn't heard from him in what felt like forever. His hands fell from his bass, giving a sigh as his arms tucked under his head. He wanted to confess to him so badly - just to get it off of his chest. It was eating him alive.

But he couldn't say anything now. He had already given him false hopes. He said that he wasn't gay. Before he was fearful he would lose it all, get rejected, the ginger simply wouldn't feel the same; but now he faced an even bigger dilemma: Matt was probably confused, or even convinced he never liked him in the first place. He had been raised in an unfortunate, unforgiving family. He always had to hide things and only say what ever they wanted to hear. Always making up stories and excuses, just to not get lectured or even sent back to therapy. He had to lie.

Hopefully, Matt would understand, right?

He had to.

-

Crystal blue eyes gazed out the rain-dotted window in a melancholy daze. The bus was filled with unfamiliar faces; they were all huddled together and crammed in like sardines. The occasional ding of a cellphone and laugh of a nearby group of goofy kids, any other noise could easily set the ginger off. The sounds within the tightly conformed space seemed all mushed together, causing him to dissociate from the world for a while. He hated to leave this city. He hated to disappear, but he had to.

Normally Matt didn't have issues with sounds, but today he just couldn't do it. It was too loud, all too much. He hated the thought of leaving. He clenched a hand to his bag, in hope his stop was next. Thoughts clouded his mind and objects began fuzzing and blending together. He could steer his life back in the right direction, but he had to give up his life's love.

The bus suddenly stopped.
"Fortvord!"

It was too late. Tom, that one peculiar boy. He thought back to when his eyes lit up every time he stepped through the door. The way his lips curved into a smile as he spoke to him. How his hair tickled his chin as he listened to the ginger's heartbeat. He felt like his feet were dried in blocks of cement. He felt like his lungs were on fire. He couldn't move, but he knew he needed to. People were most likely staring. A million eyes on him. The unfamiliar sounds all melted into white noise.

Leaving that beautiful city, that beautiful house, and that oh-so beautiful boy, it better had been worth it.

The ginger finally had the money for something he had always wanted. Something he had worked very hard for. He actually looked forward to working up to it. He threw his bag over his shoulder and quickly stepped off the bus.

This was it. No snow, no sickening smells of coffee. No more juggling jobs and skipping meals. This was a new beginning – a brand new adventure. It started with a handful of fresh faces. He took a breath, his hand tightened a bit around the strap of his bag. He caught the glance of a passerby, but he walked on, throwing the hood of his jacket up as to not get rained on. As the bus behind him disappeared into the distance, he gradually walked forward.

Hopefully, Tom would understand.

'University of Fortvord'.

He had to.

(Finished officially, July 12th, 2019)