I feel so numb
Staring at the shower wall
It's begun,
The feeling that the end has come
And now the water's cold
I tried to eat today
But the lump in my throat got in the way
In this time I've lost all sense of pride
I've called a hundred times
If I hear your voice I'll be fine
And I, I can't come alive
I want the room to take me under
'Cause I can't help but wonder
What if I had one more night for goodbye?
If you're not here to turn the lights off, I can't sleep
These four walls and me
I lay in bed
Can't seem to leave your side
Your pillow's wet
From all these tears I've cried
I won't say goodbye
I tried to smile today
Then I realized there's no point anyway
In this time I've lost all sense of pride
I've called a thousand times
If I hear your voice I'll be fine
And I, I can't come alive
I want the room to take me under
'Cause I can't help but wonder
What if I had one more night for goodbye?
If you're not here to turn the lights off I can't sleep
These four walls and me
Oh oh oh
And I, I can't come alive
I want the room to take me under
'Cause I can't help but wonder
What if I had one more night for goodbye?
If you're not here to turn the lights off I can't sleep
These four walls and me
Do you ever think that if you leave the comfort of something you know so well, you'll just be forgotten? That you'll leave the place you called home and the people you called family for six years, and they'll just forget you? They won't care... they won't call to check up on you.. but the part that's the worst... the woman you love. She'll forget you even exist. She'll be able to have a happy relationship without you getting in the way of everything.. her girlfriend won't have to worry about you... you'll be totally forgotten. I pulled myself out of my lonely thoughts before pulling my hair into the bun it's supposed to be in. I look dead. Ginny came into my trailer and my breathing hitched as I turned to look at her. "I came to help you get ready.." she said and I nodded as she grabbed my dress and I turned to look back in the mirror. She helped me put it on before helping me put on the headpiece and veil. I feel like I'm suffocating. I refused to get ready in the costume department today. I tried to keep my breathing steady and I chewed on my lip. "What's wrong?" Ginny asked and I shook my head. "Nothing." I mumbled before moving to leave my trailer. She walked with me, making sure my dress didn't drag on the ground and I just tried to keep it together.
When we got to the set, Josh met me at the door and pulled me into a hug. "I know you're falling apart inside. But I'm here and I'm going to hold you together the whole time baby girl." He whispered and kissed my head. He's the only one I've talked to recently. I nodded and hugged him close. I pulled away and saw Lana staring at me. I looked away and bit my lip.
After barely making it through shooting, I rushed out in tears and rushed to the bathroom on set. I ripped the headpiece off and tears rushed down my cheeks. The door opened after me and I looked at the door, seeing Lana. She frowned and came over, helping me get out of the dress. When I was in just my bra and underwear, I broke down in sobs and Lana pulled me into her arms. I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed into her chest. "Shhhh. It's okay. I got you." She said softly and held onto me tight.
When I calmed down enough, she pulled away and wiped my tears off my cheeks before just rubbing under my eyes with her thumbs. "What's wrong?" She asked softly. I sniffled and bit my lip.
I laid in my bed and the only thing I could think of was the heartbreaking look on Lana's face when I told her I was leaving the show.
"You're.. you're what?" She asked and I nodded. "But... our characters just got married.. Jen, we've been working for this for five and a half years." She said with tears in her eyes. "Lana, this show is draining me. I love you so much. And I love Emma and Regina. But i can't do this anymore. Im in love with you. But you act like I'm just a drunken mistake. I can't do it anymore." I said and we both had tears in our eyes. She sniffled and nodded. "You're my best friend. A-and I'll always be here for you." She said and her voice cracked. I nodded and she sniffled again. "I-I'll go get you some clothes." She mumbled before leaving. I rubbed my eyes and sighed.
I can't believe I left... I agreed with Adam and Eddy that I'd do one episode of the new season. They wanted me for the whole season but I couldn't agree to that. Now I can focus on my own movies and personal projects and I can go to more premieres. I'm still going to live in Vancouver.. I'd miss it too much. I sighed and rolled on my side, pulling the blankets up farther. I need some sleep. But I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I never sleep after Lana and I fight. And this wasn't technically a fight.. but she's extremely upset with me. But you're not going to get to comfort her. You're her best friend and you're the one who made her cry. But she's in Bex's bed. Because you don't matter. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I closed my eyes. I'm going to lose my best friend.
