The Professor

Thirty-one

  I flip through the little handbook that Stanley dug out for me. I rest on my stomach on my bed as I do so.

  Somewhere in here has got to be what I'm looking for. I flip the page with a sigh.

  Dean has to keep his job, he's completely innocent and has a whole career ahead of him. I'd especially hate to be the reason he lost his job in the first place.

  I flip the next page.

  He's already upset with me. . .again. I had to tell him that I hate him. Honestly, I don't hate him. I wish that I didn't have to tell him all of that, but if I hadn't, he would've made a huge mistake being with me. I know that I would've only made him miserable.

  Of course, I couldn't have told him that. He wouldn't have believed me. He's too stubborn to know what he really wants. I know for a fact that he doesn't want me.

  I flip the next page.

  I've never seen him so hurt before and so vurnable. How many times do I have to hurt this man? I don't want to be the reason he's hurt again.

  I think about what he said earlier when he was yelling at me. Maybe he did mean all of that. Maybe he does regret having sex with me. Why else would he have said it?

I flip the page.

  Then again, after seeing him how he was earlier, I have to believe that he really does love me. If only I could love him back the way he deserves. Instead, I argue with him all the time. I feel like I can't ever satisfy him.

  All this time, I was blaming Dean for everything, but the problem was me. It always was. I was the one who kept secrets or pushed him away. I was the one to point fingers first at him. I was the one who asked for more out of him than what he could give.

  I flip the next page. This page goes on about campus fights.

  Dean always tried to fix us, not me. He gave me everything, he did his best to make me happy. He was always by my side. I never noticed these things because I was too busy pointing out his flaws. Maybe that's why I wasn't sure how to feel about him.

  Either way, what's done is done. It's best that he hates me rather than love me. It's for his own sake. I am his destroyer, his explosion, a murder of love. He is the one man that truly deserves a woman opposite of me. He deserves the world, which is exactly what I never gave him.

  I flip the page. My eyes widen. This page is about relationships with professors.

  I read each paragraph thoroghly, reading each detail carefully so that I don't miss anything.

  My eyes light up when I see it.

Bingo!

* * *

  The elevator ride up to the top floor seems slower than usual. I'm so anxious about this. My heart rate keeps increasing.

  I press the school book to my chest and take a deep breath.

Ding! The elevator doors slide open.

   I step onto the tile and walk down the hallway.

  Dean can't lose his job. Do it for Dean.

  When I reach his boss' office, I knock on the door, taking another deep breath.

  The door opens to Robert. He tilts his head down at me.

"Miss White?" He asks with surprise.

"Hello, do you have a moment?" I ask in my most formal voice.