Breaking the Bad Habits of Low Self-Esteem With God's Love

Bad Habit #6- Never Saying No

One of the worst habits I've observed is that those who hate themselves can never say no to anyone. When we were children, we were told by our parents and teachers that we were to obey what they said and we weren't allowed to defy them or say no to what they told us. To an extent, this is okay as long as they weren't asking us to do anything unreasonable. But when we grow up, we are supposed to be independent and able to make our own choices. Of course, there will always be people you have to answer to, such as the police and your boss, but you are still an independent adult when you grow up. However, those who hate themselves have made everyone their authority. Those who hate themselves are so afraid of making someone mad or unhappy, they just say yes to whatever people ask of them. When they do this, they become slaves to everyone. They learned this because they would get abused or yelled at for got giving someone what they want, and then were conditioned to fear anger.

    Some people are afraid of spiders, some are afraid of snakes, others are afraid of heights (or falling). I myself have developed a phobia of making people unhappy. I would get panic attacks at the mere thought of making someone mad, annoying someone, or even just inconveniencing someone. This fear put me in chains and I had made myself a slave to people. I would live my life trying to appease everyone to avoid incurring the wrath of people as if they were some sort of Mayan god. This seriously put me in such a deep depression to the point that I didn't even want to get out of bed. 

    I remember when I was 12 years old I was at my cousin's wedding and I met this girl who was around my age. She was somehow distantly related to me. She kept telling me how cute I was and all (which I was used to because everyone thought I was cute). After the ceremony was over, she took me to the back of the church into an abandoned children's room. I really wasn't supposed to go off on my own like that without my parents knowing, but I was so afraid of making her upset or hurting her feelings somehow, I didn't tell her no. When she started making me uncomfortable by making sexual and inappropriate comments to me, of course I didn't say anything. At this point, I had learned that I was everyone's baby doll and that people were going to do whatever they wanted with me and I couldn't fight back or say no, and this girl was no exception. I was her baby doll. So when she put me on her lap and made me touch her in inappropriate places and began touching me in inappropriate places, once again, I was silent. I was crying on the inside, wondering why it was so hard for me to form the words stop and no. It really shouldn't have been that hard for me to just say the word no. When she finally took me outside of the room, I had found out that I had completely missed the entire wedding reception. When I was in the car heading home, I was scolded by my parents for "sneaking off" without them knowing. I didn't even bother to defend myself. It didn't even occur to me to tell them what had happened, because why shouldn't I be scolded? After all, it was my fault because I didn't have the guts to say no. I thought I completely deserved everything that happened.

    There was another incident when I just finished high school. I had a friend who wasn't really the best influence. He had a very twisted world view, and was into things that were not good at all. I was afraid of falling into his influence, so I was trying to break away from him. Unfortunately, he wouldn't let me be. He would call me very often and talk to me about things that would make me cringe like crazy, such as killing, violence, drugs, and other such things. The worst part is that he called me his "daughter" and always insisted on hanging out with me. I was afraid of him, but even more than that, I was afraid of upsetting him, so of course I would agree to hang out with him. It came to the point where I felt like not only his doll, but his hostage. I belonged to him in some twisted, platonic way. I eventually 'got rid of him' by changing my number, which was truly a cowardly thing to do.

    We were not meant to be slaves to humans. The bible has a lot to say about people pleasing. Paul says in Galatians, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10, NIV). Many times, we people pleasers take it way too far, like I have many times. However, that's not what God wants for us, and that is why! People will demand some pretty horrible things from us. Very often, they demand things that are not in our best interest, or theirs, and we need to be strong enough to stand up for ourselves and say no. After all, what's the worst humans can do anyways? Get mad at us? Jesus says in Matthew, "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." (Matthew 10:28, NIV). The best way to break this horrible habit of people pleasing and never saying no is to become a servant to Christ, not to people. Trust me, being a servant of Christ is so much easier than being a servant to men! Jesus also says in Matthew, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV). Now back in the day, people would put a wooden beam on a pair of oxen called a yoke that would enable them to carry loads together. Jesus here is saying that if we come to him and become his servants, he will be a good, gentle master. He is so much less demanding than people are! It's time for us to stop being a servant to humans (which is exhausting and makes us miserable) and become God's servants instead and live to please him. It is so much easier to do than pleasing people. You will find it so much easier to say no to people when you need to when you do this.