Existent

"Romance"

I love you. Fuck, I love you,so much. And for that, I hate you. I despise you, actually. God It was just me, and my own private bubble of self destructive thoughts and my sea of lost emotions, a sea I had created with my own tears. 

And then you came along, out of nowhere, and somewhere, all at once. I had no time to prepare the excuses I always had, no time to quickly muster up the strength and energy it would take for me to stop running, for just- just a second. Just a brief breath of air that maybe wasn't as toxic as I thought it would be. I never seen you coming, and I was not ready for you.

In which like the way one is not ready for the rain on a day the sky was completely azure. But also in the way that one would not expect the sun to crash through a blanket of black clouds. Wanting, but undeserving of it. Out of my reach. 

So, thinking that I, would not be able to cherish the land, cast myself away on a boat, in an ocean so far, so deep, so unknown. All the while, a smile plastered on my face. You took that insignificant curvature of my lips as a sign that this was my implicit definition of happiness, and while I drank myself into a growing pit inside my stomach, burying my sadness like it did not exist, so did you. It was almost as though I had dug both of our graves with the same shovel. By killing a piece of you, I thought I could at least save the rest of you. 

But a drowning man will always try to drag someone down with them. So I came back. 

I pulled you right under, In the 40 moments it took for me to try to leave you alone, I had build a resistance, a carelessness, a selfishness. You might have thought that was me climbing over the Petty feelings  I had for you, but no, it was each and every breath of being away from you that built the tower inside of me- the tower complied of absolute wanting and desire, topped with the many lies I had tried to conjure together to perhaps make me look like a better person. Someone that might be deserving of you. 

I never would be though, good enough for you, not me- not the bitter lemon droplet, ruthless, broken, torn, mind twisted- oh you had no idea of my sin. Or why no amount of prayer I ever made would even slightly make up for the darkness that consumed my each and every vein knotted around my shallow heart.  

But you asked for that, for me. For all of it. You asked for the deceiving, the confusement, the anger, the-  I warned you, but you wanted it. You blamed me for it though.And although my masochistic mind enjoyed the thrill of you, you were still the worst decision I had ever made. I hated the way I would move to the very edge of my seat on the simple sight of you, or how my whole body felt on fire when you would, look at me, with pupils expanding so wide as if you were trying to see more of me, and yet not enough to quench that thirst. You made me feel so alive when all I wanted was death.

You had me bewitched, wanting to be a "good" person, when all I had done already showed the exact opposite, in every aspect. You have no idea of how many times I tried to turn it off, the buzzing in the back of my mind that slowly made its way to the very front of it- You- and I could no longer do all the things that made me, me. 

You were like a word at the tip of my tongue that I could never quite swallow, but All I wanted to do was digest every piece of you.