Opposites attract || Luke Hemmings

20.

I sighed, looking straight to the bedroom door. Silently and already knowing I'd fail, I tried to open it, realizing it was locked as it had been for the past three days.

I was afraid of what I was going to find when I finally could open it. Visions kept coming to my head as I saw Katherine 's body hanging and her neck broken or a bunch of pills scattered around her room, her sleeping peacefully to never wake up again. Or maybe just the raw, skinny shape of her, laying on the bed and crying to herself endlessly.
Looking at the clock, I realized it had already been a day since we got home from the cemetery. It had been probably the tiniest funeral I'd ever seen in my life. Everything was little; the people, the headstone, the coffin. Seeing her being measured and put into such that tiny piece of wood had hurt so badly. My beautiful, beautiful baby. Locked into a coffin.
I'd dreamed about her waking up and feeling asphyxiated, her little lungs failing quickly as she cried for someone to help her. Honestly, I'd almost went to her grave and dug her coffin in absolute certain she was alive. I"d got up from the couch, opened the front door and it was just because of a brief second of reason I'd stopped myself from getting into the car.
I was exhausted. I understood Katherine needed some time alone, but I didn't. I needed her to help me through all this, and even though mu dad was being strangely supportive, it was still new for me to look at him like people offering help. After he'd come to the cemetery once he found out about the baby and hugged me for minutes and minutes straight, he'd taken me to his house and talked to me about how my mom was probably with her, raising her into a happy girl. I'd never bought any of the Heaven stories, but after my mom died, I needed it to be true. Now more than ever. So I just kept imagining them, happy and together.
"Babe, my dad's coming over in ten to get the-the stuff," I mumbled, resting my head on the door, "Do you want to keep anything? Want to eat anything? Please, Katherine , just open the door for me," I was begging. My head was down and I was trying to keep some tears from coming with the awful feeling I felt inside me.
I needed her. I needed her to be safe, and I needed her to be with me. Talking to me, sharing her thoughts with me and going through all of this with me. I was so afraid she'd do something to herself and I wouldn't be able to stop it. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to go on without her.
There was no answer to my calls, obviously. I sighed, going downstairs towards the nursery and preparing myself to face it. Grace would never see that. Ever. Opening the door slowly, I felt as if someone had put an enormous weight over me. Way more than I could handle. My breath instantly got heavier and I had to hold back some tears. She would have loved her room so much. She'd sleep with the blue elephant we'd bought and the penguin would always be by her feet. I wondered if the crib was too big for her tiny body. I knew she still wasn't completely cooked when I saw her and held her in my arms, but still, she was so tiny I felt like I'd always have her in my arms so she wouldn't get hurt by the size.
Well, I wouldn't have to bother now. She was more than just hurt and I hand't done anything to help her. My only duty was to make sure he was safe and happy, but I just couldn't do anything right. My whole life was resumed in fuck ups, and I ruined the only thing that could help me redeem myself and make me a better person. I should have been the one to die. I was the bad one in this. Not my beautiful, pure, innocent baby. And now, as if I hadn't fucked up enough, I wasn't making Katherine any safer or any better.
The doorbell rang and I slowly turned to the living room, making sure to wipe away all the tears from my eyes. Kyle, the guy from the lobby, announced my dad and I sat on the arm of the couch, waiting for the lift to open. My dad was standing there, sober as he hadn't been for years. He had a cigarette on his hand and was ready to throw it away when I shook my head.
"Give me one," I asked, tired.
I probably looked awful judging by the look on his face. I was exhausted and weak, and probably looked as if I was punch because of the dark circles around my eyes. My dad sighed by seeing me like this and reached for the cigarette pack, getting on and handing it to me.
I was more than sure Katherine was not going to be happy about us smoking inside the flat. She hated the fact I was addicted to it and, honestly, the only reason I'd stopped was because of the baby, what obviously wasn't a motive anymore. Deep down, I still had a wish the smell would travel to our room and she'd get completely mad and get downstairs to throw the cigarettes through the window. I looked towards the stairs, sighing by realizing there was absolutely no chance she'd actually do it.
My dad gave me his lighter and walked in, looking around the room. "How'sKatherine ?"
"I don't even know," I mumbled, "She locked herself into the bedroom and hasn't come out since. I've been sending food by under the door, but I don't think she's eating it. I don't-I don't even know if she's alive."
My dad frowned, putting his hand on his pocket, "I'm sure she just needs her time alone. Try talking to her through the door. Even if she doesn't answer," he said, "I don't know."
"I don't know," I repeated, sighing.
"And how are you, Luke ?"
"I'm fine," I mumbled, clicking my tongue and starting to walk towards the nursery.
He stopped me before I could take a second step. "You're not fine, Luke ," he said, looking into my eyes, completely serious, "Your baby died. You're so much more sensitive than I am, and I'd probably kill myself if you ever died," He smiled softly, "You're lucky you got your strength from your mother. I barely got any."
I nodded, uncomfortable with the display of affect. It was probably the first time in years he even showed he had any type of feelings towards me. I blinked, completely surprised my dad would ever let that out. He cleared his throat, straightening himself up and tapping me on the shoulder as he gestured me to keep walking.
"When we're almost done, the truck is gonna park in front of the building and take the stuff to wherever you want to send them."
"There's a charity church that babysits for people who can't afford day care centers and they're accepting donations, so," I said, slowly.
By the corner of the eye I saw my dad press his lips and sigh lightly, seeing we already had everything ready in the nursery. There were only two months left to go and you never really know with babies. They can come early or late or not even come at all. We were more than ready for Grace. She just wasn't ready for us.
"I'm really sorry, Luke ," he said in a low tone.
"No point on doing this right now, dad."
He shook his head, putting his hand on my shoulder. " Luke , shut up. You can't do this, not again. You can't shut yourself like you did before. This time it's not me you have, it's Katherine . You can't do this on your own."
"Well, you say that, but you spent the last five years pretending I didn't even exist!" I said, with my teeth clenched, "I don't want to open up to you. I need you right now only because I have no one else. I'm not letting myself trust you or love you again because the last time I did, I woke up to a girl my age calling your house and saying she did the abortion you told her to do."
My father pressed his lips together, leaning on the closet. "I'm sorry about that. If I could reverse it, you know I would."
I chuckled in irony, crossing my arms. "I don't wanna hear it, dad. So you got a minor pregnant. You knew she was gonna turn eighteen in two months, so there's no excuse. What did she say?" I asked to myself, "Oh, right. 'Your dad told me to abort because he didn't want another baby crying at night for years like his son did'. Reversing it? This is not something you say to a girl. Not impulsively, not with a lot of thinking, not in a million years. You get a girl pregnant? You fucking stand up for it. Regretting it doesn't change what you forced her to do."
He looked at me, dead serious, thinking about what to say next. "Go upstairs, rest for a little. You look like you haven't slept in days. I'll call some people to come help me with everything."
"Yeah," I nodded, grabbing the blue elephant and the penguin from the crib before turning to the door, "Thanks."
I didn't even wait to hear his answer before walking towards the stairs and sighing. I didn't know where I was going. Katherine locked inside our bedroom and I didn't want to sleep in the couch again. Slowly, I walked down the hall to the bathroom only to find the door across it completely open.
Katherine wasn't there. I gasped, happy to know she was, at least, alive. Taking some steps towards the room, though, all I saw were the meals I'd sent her completely untouched. She hadn't had a single thing to eat. My stomach turned inside me and I suddenly felt disgusted of myself. She was probably anemic by now and here I was, going to school every morning and leaving her there, all alone. I could't even keep her healthy.
My father's voice was raised downstairs and I frowned, running half the stairs only to see Katherine sitting by the kitchen balcony, completely unaware of my dad yelling behind her. I exhaled, closing my eyes to keep water from coming. She was still in shock. The doctor'd said that could happen.
Slowly, I walked towards my dad and shook my head, telling him to stop. He raised his arms up in surrender, going back to the nursery without saying another word. Once he was out of my sight, I threw the cigarette on the bin and squeezed myself in between the chair Katherine was sitting and the balcony, feeling even worse with myself as she didn't even look up at me. Honestly, I wasn't even sure she knew I was there.
" Katherine ? Babe?" I called, already knowing I wouldn't get an answer.
She was awful. I myself wasn't at my best, but she looked just like my mother on her last days at the hospital. I gulped, trying to ignore the repulse I felt by realizing that was my fault. Katherine had the same clothes as she was wearing when we left the hospital, her torso still a bit swollen, completely deformed. She was so thin. I wasn't even aware someone could loose so much weight in five, six days. Her legs and arms were barely skin and bones and her face was long, disfigured, with yellow-ish, purple circles around her eyes. She smelled weird and her hair was completely oily. I bit my lips once I realized what the smell was. Katherine hadn't gone to the bathroom in days and it really wouldn't surprise me if she'd peed on her pants. She was so broken. Because of me.
So maybe I hadn't done it purposely. Obviously, I would never hurtKatherine conscientiously, but, indirectly, it had been my fault. I was the one to go to her at that party in the first place. People like me just don't hang with people like her. She was so innocent and perfect and I was all fucked up. That was the reason these people don't exist together. People like me always find a way to fuck things up, not matter how good they were.
Sighing, I put my hands around her waist and got her up, realizing she wouldn't even walk straight on her own. Slowly, I grabbed her tiny body bridal style, feeling her put her arms around my neck and giving me just a little bit of joy by knowing she was at least aware of what was happening. I should have been the one to die. She wouldn't be this way if it was me. Looking down to her, I realized she'd moved her eyes and was now looking deep into my eyes, without any expression. She was just staring as if she had a thousand things to say but didn't know how to say one single word. I bit my lips, trying to keep myself from crying as we walked into the bedroom and I lied her on our bed, going to the bathroom right after to turn the water on.
I felt the slightest feeling of relief by seeing she was responding to the environment. Her eyes followed me all the way through the room as I went to grab a towel and some clean clothes and take all the food from the ground. When I finally sat on the end of the bed, looking at her and absently caressing her, I realized there were some tears in her eyes. The lump in my throat grew a little bit and I sighed, kneeling on the ground to get to her eye level.
" Katherine , I'm really sorry."
She nodded, turning around to look at the window without saying anything. I wasn't complaining, though; it was the first time in days she even made a sign she was alive, and I wouldn't push it trying to get words from her.
We kept silent for a couple more minutes before the heat from the bathroom filled the room and I got up, reaching for her arms and helping her up. She was too weak to walk or just didn't want to. I slowly carried her and put her on the bathroom floor, telling her to raise her arms so I could take her clothes off. There was no desire when I saw her tiny body, completely disfigured. I sighed, kissing her forehead and helping her get inside the tub.
I stripped and got behind her, more than sure she wasn't in conditions to take the bath herself. I did it all slowly and covered her with kisses to which she didn't react at all. Finally, after an hour, I dried her and her hair, telling her to sit on the bed again while I went to grab food.
There wasn't many options on the fridge, so I opted for some frozen pasta she'd bought a couple of weeks ago. My dad asked me if everything was okay in the one second he got out of the nursery and I just nodded, not really sure of what how I felt. I still didn't know how Katherine was. I didn't know if she was mad at me, if she needed me, if she was ready to get sick because of the lack of food, sleep, hygiene and whatever else she was missing. My okay depended on her being okay, to be honest.
I went back to the bedroom with the food and saw she was staring at her belly, crying. I didn't really know what to do, but still, I ran to her and pulled her into a hug, saying everything was going to be okay. I'd told that lie for a very long time, now.
She was shivering. I quickly put her under the covers and continued to hug her, completely desperate. I didn't know if she was getting out of the shock or going deeper into him, but the only thing I could actually do was to hold her. That was the only thing in my power, and I hated feeling to powerless.
Finally, her face filled with emotion and she looked at me in the eyes, firstly confused. Then, angry. Completely mad.
"You," she said, shaking in anger, "You! This is all because of you! She's... dead! Because of you!"
I didn't have an answer for that. I knew it was my fault, really. "I'm so sorry,Katherine , I'm so, so sorry," I begged, finally letting myself cry. I'd been strong for too many days. I'd punched so many people in the last week only because I needed to punch someone. I was so angry at myself, and I didn't feel like hurting myself would be enough.
Not even Brad and the others looked at me in the eye anymore. I guess they were too scared to do it. After their attack when Katherine had a panic attack, I couldn't just leave it alone. I could feel how worried and scared she was by seeing my bruises. They needed to pay. Not only for me, bur for her. So, in the first day after we got back from the hospital, when they came at me with their stupid smirks saying they already knew I'd fuck up, I couldn't really control myself. Honestly, I'd almost killed Brad. I was more than sure I'd only not been sent to the police station because Alice asked people not to call them. Everyone felt sorry for me, so they didn't. I was okay with that. I had been a little better with the other guys, though. Michael left with only a nose bleeding. And then I'd punched some other kids the other days, but not something that would drown too much attention, really.
But now all I could feel was sorry for myself. I'd been feeling sorry aboutKatherine for a long time and all I needed was to be selfish. Just for a little bit. Just until the pain would ease.
Katherine chuckled in irony before hitting me on the right side of the face. Her slaps never really hurt, but this was extremely weak because of her lack of food and sleep. I clenched my teeth, trying to control my temper. Not with her. I couldn't do anything stupid. Not with her.
"I don't want your sorry, Luke !" She yelled, some tears coming to her eyes, "I want my baby back! That's what I want! I don't want to look at you everyday knowing that you're the one who killed my baby! Bring her back, Luke , just bring her back! This is your fault, now fix this!"
I could feel her anger even with the tears coming from her eyes and the crying tone. The feeling to selfishness quickly vanned from my body. It was my fault. All I could think was that she was crying because of me.
I raised my hands a bit, asking what I should do. "What do you want from me? I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I can't-I can't bring her back, Katherine . If I could die instead of her, I would, I swear! I didn't want this to happen-"
"You know, maybe you should have," she said, serious, "died instead of her. Or just died, really. I can't stand looking at your face. You're the one who killed my daughter. You."
I gulped, wiping some tears away. "You don't mean that."
"That's the point, Luke ," she said, laughing, "I do! I don't want you here. You should be dead. You're a murderer. You murdered my baby."
"She was my baby too, you know," I mumbled, hurt.
"You're the one who put your fucking dick inside of me!"
"You said it was fucking safe!"
"And you fucking believed me?" She screamed, putting her hands in the air, "Luke , you should have stopped me! I was pregnant and I was horny. You fucking know I was all hormones! Even if it had the slightest chance of it going wrong, you should have stopped me, not fucked me like a mad man!"
I walked a step towards her, only to be stopped my another slap. Finally, I let my temper get the best of me. Quickly, my hands were around her wrists and I threw her on the bed, getting over her and making sure she'd be immobilized.
"This is the last time I'm saying this," I mumbled in a low tone, my teeth clenched, "She was my daughter too. Don't you think I know I'm guilty of getting you pregnant? You told me it was safe to do it! I would never had done it if I knew this was going to happen!"
She was red and shaking in anger under me. Her hands turned into fists as her teeth clenched and she looked at me right in the eyes. "Leave. I want you to leave right now. Go help your dad finish taking the things off the nursery and don't bother to come back. Your things will be waiting for you in the living room."
I didn't even feel bad about that. Honestly, I was seeing red. Quickly, I got up from the bed and took a suitcase from the closet, throwing most of my stuff inside it before looking at Katherine one more time.
"Don't bother," I said, smiling sarcastically and making a fast reverence right before slamming the door shut.
I knew I was gonna regret this.