OXYGEN

30 - See

The next two days went by painfully slow. My interaction with my grandfather was poor, which wasn't helping me achieve Goal #9. I was also struggling with the others, especially #5. I tried over a handful of times to stare at my reflection and not feel dissatisfaction, but each and every time, the harsh feeling visited me. Despite the sweet things Forrest told me, I couldn't make myself believe them 100%. I'd spent the last several years, so used to thinking I'm ugly. I was never able to understand how other people could feel so comfortable and confident in their skin while I sometimes wanted to rip out mine.

Currently, I was standing in front of my full-length mirror. I just woke up - thanks to the sunlight spilling through my window. I usually hid beneath my blanket and ignored the clock, but today was Saturday, and that meant I was going to see Forrest again. Although it was still quite early, I couldn't help but feel a bit excited. Deep down, I actually missed him.

The last text he sent me was from yesterday afternoon, saying well, i'm pretty tired so i'm going to reunite w/ my bed. see you tomorrow yeah? :-)

I wasn't sure what time he was planning on arriving, but I was going to make sure I was ready.

However, at the moment, I was at a standstill. I should have been in the bathroom already, but something kept me rooted to my current spot. I blinked in the sight of myself and frowned.

My hair looked as if a hurricane had gone through it, knotted and disheveled. My eyes, lacking energy, had a bit of crust in the corners. A light layer of oil gleamed on my skin and two pimples weren't shy to make an appearance on my forehead. My lips were pale and dry, and my mouth let out a foul odor. Overall, I wasn't exactly the greatest-looking person in the world.

My gaze trailed down over to my body. I was clad in an extra-large t-shirt and sweatpants - not only because they were comfortable to wear, but because they didn't put emphasis on my not-very-flattering curves. I looked completely and utterly undesirable like always.

With a bit of effort, I could improve my appearance, but I knew I would never be able to appear as pretty as I wanted to be. It was just the way I was born, the way fate designed me. Keeping that in mind, I didn't know why I couldn't completely accept it. So many years, I wasted, self-loathing. "Why don't you love yourself a little more?" His question had baffled me, but now, I was genuinely asking myself the same thing.

Because, my mind slowly answered, I just don't know how.

Finally, I took a step back from the mirror, no longer putting myself under heavy scrutiny. I walked out of my room, a bit bothered.

Half an hour later, because there wasn't much in the fridge, I settled on eating a banana for breakfast. My grandfather was nowhere to be seen, but I was hoping to have a talk with him before Forrest came. I wanted to let him know someone was coming so he would at least be prepared. The last time we had a visitor was several weeks ago and I could imagine my grandfather growing upset if a stranger just showed up out of the blue.

I switched on the radio so it wasn't so quiet. A calm song, laced with melancholy, glided through my living room. "Bittersweet / you have wrecked me once again / one day will be the last day / but when?" I paused, paying closer attention to the lyrics. "Will I survive / will I see tomorrow / will you be there / yes, yes, but no."

I settled down on the couch, thinking. Once I finished eating, I planned to take a shower and . . . then what? I could ask Forrest when he was going to head over here, but part of me just wanted to wait. I didn't want to seem eager or like I had no other things to do - even though that was somewhat the case.

Exactly one week ago, I could recall being numb to the core. It was the day after I wrote my last suicide letter. After pouring my pain out in the form of tears, I was completely drained. I went around, going through the usual motions, but my mind was far away. I was both present and absent. I couldn't stop imagining scenarios of myself dying, and I couldn't escape the cloud of rain and thunder and darkness.

Now, I had something to look forward to. I wasn't in a state of misery and exhaustion. I felt okay - perhaps even beyond that.

Standing up, I went to throw away the banana peel. My lips threatened to stretch into a smile at the thought of Forrest. I shouldn't have been feeling so glad to be seeing him, but I couldn't quite help it. It had been a while since I had a genuine person enter my life. I wasn't used to the awareness that someone else cared about me as much as he did; it was so strange.

I blew out a breath, trying to get a grip. Whatever, I mentally said. It's just him.

But that was already enough.