Unspoken Words

four

"you're so pretty."

am i ? am i really ?

or are you saying that because if you don't it would be rude ? or is it because everyone else around me is getting complimented and i was the odd one out ?

it's ok.

no, it's not ok.

your comment is invalid.

it's a lie. a fib. an untrue statement. a broken promise. a crooked arrow.

how do i know it's a lie?

well i don't even know where to start.

the surface of my face is covered in bruises and marks from life's processes.

the perimeter of my body is unseen and defined - my hips, breast and thighs fill the empty spaces of my body.

my soul. it's torn, burnt, hurt, bruised and tired. like a new born baby it craves for love and nurturing.

love yourself.

ok, i'll try. but if i cannot love myself who will love me ?

if i am incapable of acknowledging my curves and loving every inch of my stretch mark ridden hips, my stripe covered thighs.

someone else will love them too ?

no. nobody will.

all they do is judge and point and cringe.

'gross a stretch mark'

i know.

i've changed, twisted and strained my body to look like other girls.

no hips or breasts or thighs.

i've held food far away from my body and told myself, "don't.eat."

and if i did eat, from pure hunger or because of relatives telling me i'm thinning too much, i'd run to the bathroom when no one was awake and stick a broken finger down my throat.

tears roamed down my cheeks as i continuously did it, training my body to hate food, to reject it.

i've pushed myself on a track to the point of fainting.

diets, food plans i tried it all.

the fastest one was sticking my finger down my throat, or starving myself.

'you need to stop.'

ok. i did. but my body couldn't.

after every meal i'd run to the bathroom, my body already rejecting the food.

i had stopped straining my body, but then my body started straining me.

my body shrunk, drastically, and my ribs protruded from my pale and colorless skin.

'i've booked an appointment with a psychologist'

they wouldn't understand.

'you're a beautiful girl, why do you do this to yourself?'

you see. they won't understand.

i changed myself for others. to meet others requirements because i felt an emptiness inside that wouldn't go away, an emptiness that was filled whenever i pleased others. if i couldn't be happy, if i could love myself,

i prayed that someone else would be happy, and that someone else would be loved.

and i prayed that one day i would love myself, and the pain and hurt from the past would hold my hand.

"thank you."