I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Ribbons

Okay, guys. By now most of you know that I recently had a friend commit suicide (I deleted the entry because it screwed with the flow of the story and I don’t feel the need to bum anyone out. The support I’ve gotten from you all is overwhelming in the best way possible and I love you guys. I’ve also had one of my clients attempt suicide this last week (I work in a group home for mental illnesses), so it’s been a really difficult time lately. I’m pulling through and still clean so you don’t have to worry about me.

I want to use this, though, to remind everyone to ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING. Losing people to suicide or other mental illnesses causes an unimaginable pain. If it hasn’t happened to you I pray to God it stays that way. But even if you feel down or hurt or feel like there’s no other choice, there is. Trust me, I’ve been there. God KNOWS I’ve been there, and I’m still crawling my way out of that pit seven years later. It’s hard. It’s really fucking hard, but you can do this. The most helpful advice I’ve ever gotten from several people who were in the same pit as me is, “You’re not special”. It sounds backwards, but nobody in the world is special or unique enough to be the one exception to recovery. Everyone can recover. It takes hard work and feels impossible, but everybody can recover. I promise.

But if you fall apart and you’re feeling lost and all your hope is gone, don’t forget to hold on. If you need someone to talk to while you’re in crisis or want somebody to send you positive messages or supernatural memes or love message me on Instagram (I hate wattpad messenger) @paiglicious (please don’t publicly mention my story though. My friends don’t know). If you need professional help for anything (EDs, self harm, suicidal urges, anxiety/panic attacks, etc…) text GO to 741741, or call the suicide hotline for suicidal urges at 1-800-273-8255.

The SPN Family can’t lose any more soldiers. Jared loves you, Jensen and Misha love you, Rich, Rob, and Matt love you. Samantha loves you. I love you. You are all so loved, so don’t let go. Love yourself first because you are enough. This family always has your back, so, please, please, pleeeeeeeaaaaassseeeee from the bottom of all of our hearts, always keep fighting.

“Are we supposed to get her something? It isn’t like there’s a chip for this kind of stuff,” Dean huffed. “Do we get her something recovery related? Like a fancy workbook or something?”

Sam smirked. “I think she would slaughter us if we got her another workbook. Recovery related could be really cool though. It doesn’t have to be anything big; she hasn’t even mentioned the anniversary yet. Maybe she hasn’t realized it’s coming up?”

“Maybe she doesn’t want us to notice,” Dean pointed out.

Sam pondered this for a moment. They didn’t talk about it much anymore. He wasn’t sure if it was because she was okay or if she found it uncomfortable to discuss. But depression doesn’t go away in one year, if ever. You just had to always keep fighting it. It was really sad that his little sister was that miserable though, someone so good and pure felt the urge to hurt herself and even die. She was doing better now, though, and didn’t want to acknowledge anything had changed. She’d been more willing to ask the boys for support or extra love and talk to them if she was struggling, but they never discussed her self harm specifically. It was an unspoken rule. Dean could be right- maybe Casey didn’t want acknowledgement. Maybe she didn’t want a big to-do about everything. She didn’t like her birthday to be a huge affair, and they didn’t celebrate holidays really. But what if she did care and was just being nonchalant about it or was too embarrassed to point it out? He didn’t want her to think they weren’t proud of her and just brushed off the date as any other day she didn’t self harm. In reality, they knew that every day was a struggle and every day she stayed clean or lived through even was a triumph. She had to know they cared. “Even if she doesn’t, we have to let her know we know. Even if it’s on the down low. She has to know we’re proud of her.”