I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Brad Pitt

UGH. i'M SORRY I TOOK SO LONG. There's been so much going on in my life and it's bananas. 

I am officially one year clean though!! Fuck yeah!

What do you all think of the new season? I'm obsessed with Jack. And Lucifer... Just mmmf. Also Kim Rhodes and Jeffrey Vincent Parise (Asmodeus) both replied to my tweets last night and Briana liked one of them!! I think I almost had a heart attack. 

I hope you enjoy this chapter! It was hard af to write. I love you all and thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!

Dean's idea was great, but Sam couldn't remember the last time he'd had so many blisters. He assumed the callouses on his hands would protect him, but holy crap he assumed wrong. The tips of three of his fingers had gross white bubbles on them and there was another one on the back of his hand, and one faint red burn towards the bottom of his elbow. It was at that point he surrendered the gun to Dean officially and stomped off to a jewelry store in search of a chain.

Dean, on the other hand, was admiring his handy work. Very gently between his fingertips, he was holding a ribbon made of hardened hot glue that had a yellow loop and orange tails. It was about the size of his thumb and the color was patchy in some places, but he was pretty impressed with himself. He hadn't been entirely sure that his plan would work, but it had turned out perfectly in his eyes and it was exactly the kind of personal Sammy wanted. He supposed it was a little scrappy, seeing that it was just glue that had been dipped in food coloring before being melted, but whatever. What mattered was that it was made and it looked pretty cool. Sam had picked out a silver chain that wasn't super dainty and looked sturdy, just like Case Face. Dean thought iron would have been kind of cool, but Sam argued that it would turn her neck and the pendant green. Dean was too proud of this damn ribbon to have it turn colors, so silver would be good enough. Either way, if a shifter or werewolf touched it they would get burned. It was multi-functional.

Of course, though, they'd forgotten to get wrapping paper or a little box or something. So Sam had gotten creative and found a book that they'd never get around to reading and glued a page to a shotgun shell. The plan was to give it to her in that. Dean had had hamburgers on the stove and there was mac and cheese baking in the oven. The pasta was store bought, but it was the expensive brand Casey liked. Sam denied his suggestion for classy booze, stating, "If Casey didn't like whiskey she wouldn't like cognac." He also said that she was "too young", even though Dean knew damn well Sammy had his first beer before he had his first kiss. He wasn't sure if Casey had her's yet and he didn't want to know. Either way, Sam had been younger than her. They bought pop instead. It was gonna be a good day... if Casey ever came out of her friggen room.

Casey was journaling. She hadn't been keeping up on it lately and decided that today was a good day to check back in with her feelings like she'd read about. She was feeling nervous because this was her first time being clean this long since she'd started. She was feeling happy because she knew her brothers would be proud of her if they knew what the date was. She was feeling hurt because neither of them had mentioned of it. Everything was swirling around in her nonstop. Her brain felt like a toilet. It didn't help that Castiel hadn't been around in a while either. She knew it was because he was busy and that the angels wanted his head on a platter, but she did miss the little celestial turd. Sometimes it felt like he understood her more than her brothers. They both carried more baggage than was healthy and were trying to accept love for the first time in a long time, Castiel for pretty much the first time ever. Even though his kind felt a kinship for their brothers and sisters, it wasn't really love.

She hadn't mentioned to Cas that it was her year clean anniversary. She knew he would care, but angels didn't exactly celebrate things. Would he even see the significance of it? He understood that birthdays were important, but this was different. There was no life being created here. Just an adjustment of an old one that she'd been working hard on for months. She hadn't asked the boys for help in a while. The support she received from them was endless, but they couldn't fix her. They could love her and encourage her, but she had to fix her own self. What if they weren't there one day? Would she just collapse? No. Winchesters didn't collapse, even if they were on their own. They were not Losechesters. Casey smiled at her crappy joke before returning to a mix of brooding and writing.

Buying gifts was no small task for Castiel, which is why he ended up walking into the bunker with a kitten gift bag full of mechanical pencils, a hairbrush, Fight Club, and a collection of various candies in a lock box. Cassandra always seemed to be working in one of her books or writing in a notebook, which is why pencils seemed like a nice choice. She always used wooden, chewed up, yellow ones and she would complain about the tips breaking off, so mechanical pencils sounded like a nice change and they came in better colors anyways. The ones he purchased had twist up erasers too, which was very impressive to him. She also used her hair curler often and brushed her hair frequently, so he found a wooden brush flowers painted on the back of it. Fight Club was an excellent gift choice because Casey was fighting depression. He hadn't seen the movie, but the title sounded right and he'd heard it mentioned by Dean before. Finally, Casey loved candy, especially chocolate. But Dean loved candy as well, so a container that required a key was very thoughtful and knowledgeable on Castiel's part.

But when he laid his gifts on the table he got a strange look from Sam. It was most likely curiosity regarding the contents of the lock-box. "I went shopping," he explained.

"I can see that. Why did you get Fight Club though?"

"Because you three are always fighting something, and we are celebrating her continuous fight against addiction and inadequate self esteem and self worth levels. That would make you a family that fights. A fighting club."

Dean walked in behind him carrying a plate of burgers, Castiel noticed there were ten of them dressed with three different types of cheese. He doubted Casey could eat three, but didn't doubt Dean's ability to for a second. "You're in this fight club too, Pitt." This was obviously a reference to something, but Castiel decided not to pursue clarification. Dean nodded toward his gift bag. "I'm assuming that's for Case. How did you know we were celebrating though? We didn't exactly send out an invitation. It's not like we didn't want you to come over or anything, but how'd you remember the date?"

"I'm very old and remember the evolution of humanity with clarity. An important date regarding my family exactly one year ago isn't a challenge."

Dean set down the plate beside Sam and lifted his hands in concession. "Sorry, Mr. Hawking."

Castiel understood this reference, although it didn't make sense. "I am not a physicist."