daddy issues | e.dolan

+ nine.

possible trigger warning!

"W-why would he do this?" I'm frantic at this point. I'm in the middle of the hallway and kids are probably watching me but I really couldn't care less at this point. I'm so fucking hurt and upset and embarrassed. Why would Grayson do that?

"Shit," Ethan pulls his hair. "I didn't think he'd do this. My own twin brother. I'm so fucking sorry, I'll talk to him." He rubs my back but the whole scene is still a blur. Everything is a blur around me right now. I don't know what to do.

"Talk to him soon, I don't wanna be the school slut!" I'm crying at this point. I don't know what to do. My anxiety is through the roof. I run back to the bathroom, where I just had my first time with Ethan. I run into the handicapped stall and lock the door, sliding down the door with tears streaming down my face. I can't believe this is happening.

                            Gray🤙🏼

fuck you.

no thx, you and Ethan
already did that

why tf did you tell
people?

cause you deserved it.
both of you

no we didn't.
it's not like
you made any
effort trying to
talk to me.

actually I did but you
avoided my plans & went
behind my back w Ethan.

you're gonna
regret this.

why would I
regret this?

I leave him on read and carry on with the remaining 2 hours we had left of school. I had a plan.

A plan I know would made Grayson regret what he did.

When I finally get home, I'd had messages from everyone: Kay, Grayson, and Ethan. I'd pretty much ignored everyone the rest of the day. I hated walking into classes cause I know people knew what I did. I was so embarrassed and I felt so trashy. I hate this feeling and I know something like this won't die down, ever, so how about it's just over with?

"Hi honey." My mom says as I walk in the door, clearly not in the mood to talk.

"Hi." I walk upstairs and into my bedroom. I get a pen and paper and start writing.

dear mom,
hi. I wanna start this off by saying sorry. sorry for always arguing with you. I guess you and I never bond well but that doesn't mean I don't love you. you are my mom so. anyway. this isn't your fault. it's mine because I'm dumb and I can't keep my mouth shut. I make dumb decisions without thinking about the consequences. I'm sorry & I love you. <3 thanks for raising me to the best of your abilities.

One letter down, three more to go.

dear kayla,
oh my god I literally haven't finished the first sentence and I already wanna cry. you're my best fucking friend and I love you so much. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. thank you for being my second mother when I couldn't get along with my own mother. thank you for always being there to talk to me about random shit and it's always okay. you probably don't know what's going on, and I feel awful, but ask the twins. maybe they'll explain I don't know. or you can ask the whole school since they seem to all know.. just know that this isn't your fault at. all. it isn't anyone's fault but my own. I love you so much kay! <3 <3

I put the pen down for a second and stare into the mirror. I start to feel a sudden regret.

"Do I really wanna do this?" I whisper to my reflection. I punch the mirror and it shatters. "hell yeah I do."

I begin to cry from the pain of punching the glass, but who knows. Maybe I'm also crying cause I'm hurting.

dear ethan,
okay. I'm sorry. I know you're gonna read this and think it's your fault, but it isn't. I swear to god, on everything, that it isn't your fault. you took my virginity cause I told you to. remember that. it's your fault, it's mine. you were so good to me, and I know I did some things I shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have talked to you and Grayson at the same time. I had a feeling it'd end in tragedy, and I was clearly right. I love you, thank you for everything. :)

dear grayson,
I'm also sorry to you. I know I fucked up big time. just know I wasn't leading you on, I genuinely liked you. but then I guess Ethan got in the way and I became a fucking whore. ugh. I'm sorry. but I'm also mad at you. you're the reason I'm doing this. I told Kayla, Ethan, and even my own mother that it was my fault and my fault only, but it's not my fault. it's yours. I told you you'd regret doing what you did. (I guess I'll still miss you and I love you.)

I sigh in relief as I'm finally done with all of the notes. I walk into my bathroom and shut the door, but don't lock it. I don't want my mom to suspect that anything is up. I raid through all of my cabinets and drawers until I finally find the right one.

The cabinet with all my pills.

I don't know what ones will do it for me, so I take two pill bottles and pour the pills from both containers into my hand. I can barely keep them in the palm of my hand cause I'm shaking so bad. I start to cry again.

"I'm so fucking sorry. I love you guys." I say to myself.

Before I knew it, I tasted the pills on my tongue, over-filling my mouth.

+++

guys I'm sorry DONT HATE ME SJSJWNJS