BLONDE

I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF THIS TIME

NOVEMBER 19TH

Geoff and Awsten hadn't spoken a word since the last time they saw each other. Geoff was wrapped up in an angry bubble, speaking to anyone and everyone that wasn't the blue-haired hetero-chromic boy. He wanted to show Awsten that he didn't need him, that his sun didn't revolve around him, that he wasn't the world to him. He had the desire to show Awsten that he was independent. He wasn't everything. Geoff wouldn't let himself get so wrapped up in someone else that he'd lose himself; he promised himself that he'd never put another person over himself. Never.

Awsten had taken the opposite approach, cowering himself and isolating himself. Bad thoughts floated throughout his mind and he couldn't keep them under control.

"Kill yourself!"

"Get out of his life, you're just making everything worse!"

"Remove yourself from the situation."

"Get rid of yourself before you destory someone else."

"Die."

He couldn't handle it; he didn't know how to handle it. Everything was a blur to him and no one was aware of it. Awsten contemplated apologizing to Geoff but he didn't know what for.

Geoff wanted to feel bad and he wanted to apologize to Awsten. He so desperately wanted to make things better between them but he wouldn't let himself. He continually reminded himself that this is how things would be now and that this is how they were to stay. Awsten would come around and apologize eventually. Awsten would come and own up what he did. But Awsten didn't.

It was a game of cat and mouse, a game to see who could push the other the most, a game to see who would break first. Jawn and Travis, being their closest mutuals that weren't Otto, continually told them that they were being childish and needed to get over it. But they didn't.

Geoff told Jawn the details but in complete bias to himself, whereas Awsten told Travis the story in the form of a mental breakdown but it was so vague that Travis didn't understand a thing and couldn't help Awsten cope. Awsten wished Otto wasn't so busy dealing with Grace and the hospital. He wanted his friend back. He needed his friend back. He wanted Geoff back and he wanted things to go back to the way that they were, before all of the mess that he refuses to believe he didn't cause. But they didn't.

Awsten was stuck in his own mind, pacing around his room. He couldn't get himself to calm down and his heart is pounding and the whole world's on his shoulders and there's a weight on his chest and he can't breathe. He's clutching his jacket and he's breathing like a heavy smoker who can't catch a breath and he's got tears slowly making their way down his cheeks. He's trying so hard to keep composed because he knows that he can't do this; he knows that he can't be like this. He can't keep doing this, he can't be so distraught, he has to be composed so he doesn't guilt trip Geoff for making him feel like this. It's not Geoff's fault, Awsten reminds himself. It's your own.

Awsten's shaking so hard, it's like someone stepped outside during a snowstorm without a jacket. He's stumbling in his steps and his vision is blurred. He's shaking like a madman; he's walking like a drunk; he's seeing the world without glasses. His breathing is rough and unsteady and it's like he's just run miles without a break. He feels like he's just run miles without a break.

He feels burnt out. He feels like the flame that was so big and bright was smothered and snuffed out. The glowing inferno flame was suffocated. It was suffocating. Awsten was suffering and Geoff didn't have a care in the world.

Geoff wanted to care so badly but he was letting his stubborness get the best of him. He was letting his emotions cloud his decisions and his judgement. Deep down, he knew better, but he wouldn't accept that.