Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 34: Nothing Lasts Forever

//TW: ptsd, trauma, rape, swearing, self-harm, suicide, abuse\\

Thomas

His scent lingered.

The overwhelming, intoxicating, pungent scent of him and everything he stood for remained stuck to my body, no matter how hard I tried to scrub it off with my bare hands or how long I tried to lose myself in Alexander's warmth and sweet aroma.

His scent filled my entire world just the way he had for that long, nightmarish hour. The smell of cedar wood and smoke, almost as if an entire forest was being eaten alive by the crackling, manic embers of a fire that could never die. It filled my lungs like water, filled my brain like fear.

I'd never be able to get it off. I'd never be able to get it to go away. It stuck to my clothes, to my body, a wraith insistent upon haunting every dream I had and every waking moment in between. Every now and then I think I'm safe, wrapped in Alexander's loving, gentle arms, and I catch a sniff of his cologne like the remnants of a bad dream, and once more, I plummet.

It had claimed me just as he had. Wrapped his fingers around my wrist and pushed me back until there was nowhere to go, no last escape.

I'd rather rip my skin off and let my blood soak into the pavement than live with that horrible acrid, bitter smell filling my throat and lungs and eyes and choking out every other thing in this world.

I'd rather die than know that at the end of the day, there was nothing I could ever do to get away from him.

But whether I liked it or not, I belonged to him. There was nothing I could ever do to change that. So why even bother?

Alexander tightened his hold on me from behind, his hands clutching the soft skin of my stomach. For a moment, I wanted to melt away in his arms. I wanted to become nothing, just as long as I was his. I would've been the happiest I've ever been in my entire life just to exist on a completely separate realm with him, far away from reality. A place where happy endings truly did flourish, a place where heroes prevailed and monsters perished.

Although, I suppose in that sort of place, I'd be the first monster to die.

But, nonetheless, Alexander murmured something softly and pulled me closer, still gripped by sleep with its long, invisible fingers. His lips brushed against that spot on my neck, sending a flicker of something igniting in my chest. A heavy wind extinguished it only a moment later, however.

Safety.

It's so great to know you're loved and cared about, even if you don't deserve it. I wish it could be this way forever.

Too bad that can't happen.

My eyes flickered to the window, where dawn was just beginning to paint the sky in hues of orange and pink. Alexander wouldn't be up for another hour or two, probably. I had time. Too much time and not enough time. The plants I was growing seemed to know I was thinking and begged me to stop, offering a rainbow of their flowers, but I ignored them just as I ignored the way Alexander held onto me, as if he couldn't afford to let me disappear.

He'd be fine.

I slipped out of his arms, careful not to wake him, and walked to the bathroom as quietly as I possibly could.

Alexander didn't have to know.

I didn't want him to.

It'd be so much easier to just finally disappear if I could convince myself he didn't care. But deep down, I knew. I'll always know.