Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 30: It's Okay You're In Love

//TW: swearing, ptsd\\

John

Newtons3rdLaw: ok you should be able to come in ?? but pls be quiet i dont wanna wake alexander lol ty

I pocketed my phone, not overly happy with the response, but I suppose it didn't matter too much. I wanted Alexander's help, more than I wanted anybody else's. Because he didn't lie. He didn't make things seem better than they actually were. He didn't give me a false hope that would lead me down a questionable path, because I am sick and tired of walking that same path and ending up in the same, heartbroken position. Alexander would quash any loose, reckless dreams and I would be so much better for it. I'd come to see reality and that would be the end of it.

But perhaps I'm over exaggerating. Perhaps I'm being an idiot. A selfish, stupid idiot overthinking things that should be shoved away into the darkest corners of my mind where they will be promptly forgotten. Feelings are not hard to force down, to ignore. All it takes is the willingness to silence that voice within you, insisting it knows better. Once you manage that, you can spare the heartbreak and the pain.

I've done it countless times before.

So I could live with that.

"What'd he say?" Maria questioned.

"We're allowed in, but we have to be quiet," I said, swallowing the apprehension lingering in my mouth like bile. Something tight wrapped around my chest, but I ignored it and pushed the door open without allowing myself anymore time to hesitate. I just needed to hurtle myself over this challenge and move on with my life. There is no time to stop, no time to sit and wonder and think out all the damn possibilities.

Today was gonna be one of those days that had the potential to be really good or really horrible and it depended on, like, one single thing. So that was pretty cool.

I stepped through the doorway and into the home filled with love and the sweet aroma of flowers, then paused with what I found, my breath peeling away without so much as a second glance. Maria and Eliza filtered in beside me, glancing around, and I could not help the smile that worked its way to my face as I gazed at the rainbow of stickynotes, turning the walls into a kaleidoscope of colors and drawings and scrawls of ink. It seemed as though each one was more magnificent than the last. They formed a mural of sorts, though its meaning was abstract and incomprehensible to someone like me, somebody who didn't fully understand the complexities of what I was looking at.

And in the middle of it all stood Thomas, his arms crossed over his body, gazing at the work. "It's not too much, is it?" he asked softly. "I don't want it to seem like I spent four hours on this or anything."

"Well, how long did you spend?" Maria asked.

Thomas smiled sheepishly, gazing at one of the thousands of stickynotes that clung to the wall nearest to him. "Uh, four hours."

"You've been up since...?"

"I couldn't sleep," he said with a soft shrug. "My mind was just too awake and I wanted to create something."

Eliza inspected one of the sticky notes and then looked over at Thomas questioningly, a small smile inked upon her lips. "What's this all for?"

Thomas shrugged, his smile taking on more of a dreamy air to it as he gazed at the couch. There, Alexander slept, the blankets tight around his body. Berlioz lay against his chest, flicking her tail in his face.

Good kitty.

"Alexander's always doing so much for me," Thomas said, watching the sleeping boy softly. His eyes were like sunsets, with the way they warmed the world. It made my heart skip a beat, knowing just how much they were truly in love. And the worst part is was that I had no idea if it was legitimate happiness for them, or if that bitter jealousy somehow wormed its way in between the cracks of the person I was trying to be. "And I just thought it was time to return the favor."