Misc

Long Rant!

Okay, so I can't rant on Vent cause 1) I can't risk him seeing and 2) they've heard enough about him. Warning, self harm and suicide mentions in case you are sensitive to that (I know I can be sometimes.)

So I have my shitty ex boyfriend. He would blame everything on his depression and occasionally blame ME for his depression. He said I made HIM want to self harm and kill himself. Right. I know I got angry sometimes, but I told him I had anger issues and told him I say stuff out of anger sometimes (I'd tell him when I would just say stuff out of anger.) He legitimately did make me feel suicidal and want to self harm. He would make fun of me and criticize me for having difficulty expressing my feelings and he would get very angry at me for having difficulty giving him affection. That's all he really cares about. He constantly talked about needing affection and needing someone who would give him affection. He calls every girl he dates his "soul mate." I told him I didn't want his help so he decided to "help me" by pointing out all of my flaws. He blamed everything on me or his depression. I never even actually loved him. I only started dating him because he kept saying "I love you" "Will you be my girlfriend?" over and over even though I said he was only a friend and I didn't love him and told him no. It eventually got annoying so I just said yes and because the attention was nice. That was a point in time when I had a real lack of attention. So along came this boy who gave me love and attention so I desperately clung to it. Then I realized, I wanted to break up after like 5 days? I was scared to break up out of fear of making him suicidal (because I knew he was depressed). So we dated for a month and had many fights. He yelled at me all day one day because he needed affection. Then he started texting me stuff like:

"*Kisses you*"

"*Sticks tongue in your mouth*"

"*Plays with your tongue*"

Despite me texting him that it was making me uncomfortable and he should stop. He then said "No! I need this!" So I asked him "Would you rather me give you affection even though it be fake or me stay real even if it meant no affection." He didn't hesitate to say fake. I got mad and hurt and told him to stop talking. He blames it on his "personality type." He always had an excuse. Every time I was close to leaving (the relationship or even just the friendship), he'd beg me to stay.

Okay, so if I didn't respond to a text in like 1 minute, he'd start freaking out like crazy. But I'd wait 5 minutes before asking where he went (since he has literally forgotten about me while we're in the middle of a conversation) and he says "Chill out." and acts like I was being clingy.

He constantly talks about being accepted for who he is when he never even accepts anyone else. But of course, he still blames me and pulls out of the victim card and makes it seem like I'm the bad guy. Yes, I got angry and I did occasionally insult him (out of hurt and anger. I have learned to fight back with the way I grew up.), but he literally insulted me all the time, made fun of me, try to force me to satisfy his needs, make me uncomfortable, talk about me behind his back (trash talking), make me feel bad about things I can't control, and try to make it seem like I was the bad guy who was hurting HIM every single time. The relationship and even the friendship was extremely toxic.

He actually cheated on one of his later girlfriends, told her, and thought she was being ridiculous for being upset at him. He has hurt so many girls. I regret ever meeting him and I regret ever dating him and being his friend.

I literally shut down emotionally after him. That was the moment when I truly started despising the human race. I always knew they were shit, but after him, I stopped being nice. I stopped trying to hide my aggression and stopped trying to be nice. I didn't care about anyone except for the few friends I had.

I've always had trust issues and I have a huge fear of being abandoned which caused me to be clingy to friends in the past, but now I act distant. My trust issues were getting better until him. Now my paranoia and trust issues are extremely bad. Even though I trust her, I still have difficulty trusting my girlfriend sometimes. I'm terrified to be attached to her and sometimes I start thinking "this is an actual person I am dating. This person makes me happy. This is not something I can control. I am trusting and loving another real person." Then I start having a panic attack and I become terrified of her because I am so scared to be attached to her.

So the fact that I can still have a mostly happy relationship, tell her things I seldom tell anyone else, and be able to trust her and love her is honestly just a miracle to me.

And my ex boyfriend keeps coming back. He messaged me just before school started (which made me start the school year off depressed along with majorly bad anxiety and panic attack. So for September and October, I was extremely depressed and anxious and suicidal a lot. And yes, I did self harm a bit back in October. I am about 5 weeks clean right now, go me. Self harming in October actually ruined a 4 year clean streak.) Then he came back in October and I was going to plot revenge and ruin him like he ruined me, but I got lazy. Then he came back in November and begged me for a second chance. I refused, he called me stubborn, a hypocrite, several other insulting things and then left. So yeah, I hope he's gone for good.

One thing he always did is, after we broke up and we stayed friends, every time he got out of a relationship (despite calling those other girls his soulmates), he'd come back to me and say "I never stopped loving you." "You're the only one I want." I did get back together with him back in March. He said he'd change and try to be more accepting of me. After an hour, he starts thinking about another girl (the girl he used to cheat on the previously mentioned girl with) just because she gives him roleplayed sex and affection. I get angry and hurt, he says I'm being irrational, and I break up with him.

I regret being so dumb. I hate myself so much for ever trusting him and being so dumb as to actually believe him. But yeah, I just really had to rant. I don't care who knows this since most of y'all don't actually know me and of course I'm not going to name him or any of the girls. So yeah. That's why I fucking hate my ex. I finally stopped being his friend after I learned his was transphobic back in the summer. I have trans friends so obviously I stood up for them. He did actually threaten suicide sometimes.

God, he was awful. Anyway, I just want to warn you to be very careful with people. This is just a long rant. I hope you all are doing much better than me.

Normally I am uncomfortable ranting about my past because 1) I feel like it's my fault 2) I hate reliving it 3) I don't like attention or sympathy sometimes 4) I feel annoying for it 5) I feel like nobody actually cares and 6) I feel like I'm just being needy for attention when I do this.

So yeah, that's my rant. If you read all of it, kudos to you.