Inner 9ja gal. #projectnigeria

need.

It's a long walk to where I can find a cab from ifeanyis house, but I like it. The evening was cool and I needed a walk to clear naughty thoughts from my head. I bit my lip as I remembered how he grabbed me, his hands secure around my thighs. I remember how his lips felt, so soft, melting like warm butter into mine. His body; hard but smooth against my bare flesh, I wanted him, I couldn't deny that. The best part was that he wanted me too, perhaps even more. If there was anything the grueling hours in economics class taught me, it was that, I could live without getting my wants. But this want was dangerous and if I got it, then I'm afraid I might never let it go.

I boarded the first cab I saw at the junction, didn't even bother to haggle with the man. I just had to sit down soon before my legs turned to jelly.

On the ride home, I pondered on everything. Ifeanyi made me feel good, too good and I loved it but I also hated it at the same time. I felt so safe and secure with him. Boys had always been a means to an end for me, money, sex, lesson notes, scores etc. I never really cared about any man before.

I used to tell myself that I wasn't traumatized, that the incident with Michael didn't leave me with scars but I guess it did. Though it didn't make me shy, timid or afraid of men; it did make me cold and calculating like a snake. It made me ruthless in my dealings with men, it made me cautious, it also made me have trust issues.

So letting my guard down so soon for ifeanyi was alarming to me. Even now when I was on my way home, all I wanted to do was turn the cab around; go back and just lie with him, maybe kiss him, tease him, or just do karaoke with him; he had a great voice. But he wasn't mine, sooner or later the façade would fade and I'd be left alone, watching as he got married to the love of his life.

I wasn't a saint, I had been with men who were taken before and I was able to separate what my body wanted from what my heart desired. But now I could feel the two merging, this wasn't good for me. Marriage, love and all of that bruhaha weren't things I believed in. Success, wealth, and prosperity, those were the languages I spoke, the things I craved. But sitting in that dusty old taxi, those things seemed small and meaningless, and that didn't sit well with me.

It was just my sister and i, we had no one else, epa God bless his heart wasn't going to be around for very long and even if he was, fat load of good that did for us.

So we had to break the norm, we had to succeed. If my sister didn't then I had to, it was all I wanted. I had to show them all that I could become something, that my mother wasn't a witch and we weren't cursed.

Omo had told me to go for him, enjoy him while it lasted, I suppose I and my sister were alike in that we were good at controlling our emotions. She might have felt it was easy but she didn't know ifeanyi like I did, she didn't want him like I did. So I made a resolve: I couldn't let ifeanyi distract me from my goal, I had to cut him off! Luckily we hadn't still exchange number so it would be easier, I'd try not to go over to his house and if he came over to mine I'd be so rude and cold and eventually he'll get the message and move on!.

The cab stopped at my gate and after paying him, I picked up my purse, and leaving all thoughts of ifeanyi behind, I stepped out of the cab.

...The weekend had gone by quickly. And i was so busy that ifeanyi didnt cross my mind, or should i say; every time he crossed my mind i occupied it with something else.

On Saturday, I helped epa go to the market because he wanted to travel to Abuja, to see Rita my step sister who was pregnant. So I went to buy yams, garri, crayfish, smoked fish.... the usual, then I packed his clothes and everything he needed, Daniel was supposed to do it, but I just needed the distraction.

The next day, after epa and Daniel left for the park, i quickly dived into my assignments and worked on that till evening, when i did a little social media, then I laid down my outfit for the next day, had my bath and slept.