depression | bang yedam

1

Areum's POV

Depression.

I got it a few years back when I have nothing left with me. My mom left me for another man, my dad was sentenced to jail and I'm a single child.

I lost my will to live.

What are friends ? My friends left me after knowing about the fact that i'm a criminal's child.

They called me names, I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't want to do anything, I just want to stay home and just do nothing.

" So these are today's homework, remember to complete it by tomorrow. " Mrs Hyun said as I carried my bag pack and walked to my locker.

I don't even know if I would be here tomorrow.

" Look, it's criminal's child ! " Someone screamed and everyone started staying away from me. They burst into laughter as if the fact that my dad is in jail is a joke.

I took all my things from my locker and walked to the rooftop of the school's building.

I dropped my bag pack onto the ground and climbed up the edge of the roof. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I don't know why, it just happened.

Sometimes, without knowing why, in the middle of talking I just started crying.

Maybe if I leave this world, I would stop feeling so worthless. I felt so hopeless in this world, sometimes people would say they understand me but they don't.

I took one last breath and was about to let my body drop when someone grabbed my arm and I fell to the ground.

" Are you crazy ?! " He raised his voice, I looked up at him with tears running down my cheeks.

" Why the hell did you attempt to commit suicide ?! How would your family and friends feel ?! " I smirked, family and friends ? I don't have any.

I looked at him, " I don't have friends or family. "

He kneeled down and faced me, " I know it's hard to go through this but- "

" You don't understand me. You can't possibly understand me fully, at the end of the day you would just leave. " I got mad all of a sudden and I gripped onto my skirt tightly.

" I can't understand you fully but I will try to understand you. I'll be your friend and I promise to stay by your side and help you overcome this. " He said.

Lies.

" Leave me alone ! Why did you stop me from ending my life ?! I could have end all my unhappiness and depression ! Do you know hard it is for me all these years ?! " I screamed with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I started shivering, my head started hurting so much but I felt like no amount of medication can end this pain. It's always there, and it will never be gone until I end my life.

There's always a monster inside my head telling me to end my life. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it would always return, stronger than ever.

I could never talk to anyone, they would say I overthink situations and because of my outburst, they just left me.

I left the rooftop and walked home.

When I got into my house, I went straight to my bed and stayed there the whole day. I don't have the energy to do anything else.

I find it shameful that I couldn't do things that I used to do, such as dancing.

What depression feels like is like drowning.

Every single time whenever something good happens to me, the monster inside of me is always there to tell me things that would make me feel worthless.

I want to get the monster out of me.

Sometimes, when someone asked how am I feeling, I would say I'm fine even when I know i'm not.

I would cry myself to sleep, I felt worthless and no one would help me. They would all end up leaving me alone when i'm at the edge of drowning.

I do want to talk about it but whenever I tried, I just got stuck, as if there's a lump at my throat that is stopping me from saying my problems out.

Whenever I thought of depression, it's like a War zone. Only something I could face alone and concur it myself.

I tucked myself underneath the blanket and started crying. I want to sleep so badly but I can't, no matter how hard I try, I just can't.

I like sleeping.

I mean literally, so that I would stop having the monster attacking me internally. It caused me to feel so emotionally tired of life.

Many thinks that depression only attacks me when i'm alone but that's not true. When my depression isn't that severe yet, I was hanging out with people who left me, also known as friends.

We were talking about funny jokes when I started to burst into tears.

I wanted to tell them the reason behind my sadness but I can't find a reason behind it.

I wish I could control my thoughts but no, my thoughts are the ones that controls me instead. It controls everything, including my life.

You're not good enough.

Leave this world, no one wants you here.

How I wish someone from the crowd would understand how I feel, being called criminal's child isn't the worst, but being alone at home without family and being depressed is what hurts the most.

I tried cutting myself but it doesn't hurt as much as the pain depression caused me.

Sometimes, cutting myself isn't a choice but a need. It's to drift me away from the mental pain I felt for a little while, but it would come back again.

Ever since a few weeks ago, I lost my appetite.

During this past weeks, I lost a ton of weight. Others think I'm on a diet but i'm actually begging someone to notice me and help me.

But when they did, I drift myself away from them.

I'm alive physically but i'm not really alive.

10th Dec 2017

" A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you." – Joyce Meyer

I can't understand you guys fully but I will always be there to be your listening ear if you need one. I wouldn't judge you or insult you, I would listen and be there for you emotionally.