Forgot to Remember

Tuesday / Wednesday

Tuesday / Wednesday

Dec jerked awake. He had fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for Ant to come home. This fight with Anthony had gone on for too long now, he thought. Slowly getting up he headed to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. He put the kettle on and turned around to head to the bedroom to wake Ant up. That's when he saw it. Ant's jacket draped over the back of a chair - One sleeve torn. The events of the previous day hit him with the force of a hurtling train. Ant was gone and would never come back. And it was his fault entirely.
He carefully picked up the jacket and examined it. He saw what Martin had seen the previous day - The embroidered A and M on the collar.
The previous day was a blur to Dec. He blindly made his way to the bedroom with the hope that maybe it had all been just a nightmare and he would find Ant sprawled on their bed snoring. With eyes closed he slowly pushed open the bedroom door. But silence was all he heard. There was no snoring. He opened his eyes. The bed was just as he had left it the previous day. The business papers were still lying there and so was Ant's briefcase.

Then he remembered something. Where was the letter? He had to find the letter. Martin had the letter. Where was Martin? The door to the guest room was open but his brother was nowhere in sight. Dec went back out into the living room wondering how he was supposed to go on after the centre of his being had just disappeared. He sat down at the dining table and stared at Ant's empty chair opposite him.
The kettle made a noise informing him that its work was done, but Dec's body refused to cooperate with him. He then heard a jingle of keys and the door opened. Dec looked up, hoping against hope. But Martin's entrance just confirmed again that he was awake and all that he remembered of yesterday was the harsh cold reality.
He looked at his brother and simply said stoically, "He's really gone, isn't he?"
*So Decky remembers* Martin nodded in answer.
Then Dec pleaded, "Tell me you still have his letter."
Martin nodded again. He extracted the letter from his jacket pocket, where it had been the last almost 24 hours and handed it over to the man sitting at the table.

Declan carefully unfolded the paper. Laying it on the table he smoothed out the edges so that he could read the words written on it by the beloved hand. Martin just stood there, watching him and wondered what Dec would do next. The older brother waited for the tears, the heart wrenching sobs, but Dec sat as if he were carved in marble. There wasn't a single twitch, not even a blink of an eyelid. His little brother just sat there, staring at the letter in front of him. Martin almost startled when he saw Declan finally move.
The smaller man slowly caressed the writing with his fingertips, as if it was Ant's body he was caressing. He then suddenly got up. Clutching the letter in a death grip he headed to the bedroom. Martin followed Dec through the hall. He wanted to comfort his brother in his time of grief, but soon realized that Dec had completely forgotten his presence, when he had the bedroom door slammed in his face. Martin waited outside the door, his hand ready to turn the handle when he heard the desperate wail.

Dec hurried into the bedroom. All he wanted was to be close to Ant. His eyes fell on the bed.
On Ant's side of the bed. Ant's pillow. Ant's blanket. He crawled into the bed and buried his face in the pillow breathing in deep breaths, filling his lungs with Anthony's scent. The realisation that Ant's dark hair would never touch this pillow again slowly crept into his mind and took a choking hold of him. He couldn't help but bawl out his pain and misery.
Martin was still standing outside the door, listening to his brother's sobs.
Should he go in and comfort Declan?
At that moment Clare came to stand beside him.
"So I guess it has sunk in." she whispered.
Martin just nodded still staring at the door.
"It's best that he cries and lets it out. Stemming the tears now, might be psychologically harmful to him. He needs this time of acceptance. We'll be here to catch him when he is ready," she told her boyfriend and led him to the guest room.

Time had no meaning anymore. Dec stared out the window into the harsh blinding sunlight that told him it was definitely afternoon. He watched a pair of pigeons come and sit on the window ledge and peck at the glass in displeasure. Ant loved animals. Every morning he would put out crumbs for the birds on their balcony and the ones on the window ledge.

"He's gone," Dec whispered to the birds.
But what do birds understand? The pair continued pecking at the glass, demanding their snack.
"He's gone," Dec yelled, "piss off and leave me alone."
The startled birds took off in a frenzy of loudly beating wings.
"I'm sorry," Declan whimpered before bursting into tears cursing himself for scaring away Ant's friends.
His eyes swept across the room and landed on the picture frames hanging on the wall by the closet.
Pictures of them together.
Pictures of them with their friends
Pictures of them with Sarha and Christine.
Sarha and Christine...
He had to tell Sarha and Christine.
He had to tell them that...
How was he supposed to tell Sarha and Christine that their brother/son had...?

He lay on the bed, staring at his mobile phone. Christine had asked him to make one promise. She had asked Dec to look out for Ant, although most of the time it would be the other way round. A simple request and even that Dec hadn't been able to keep. He again buried his face in Ant's pillow to block out everything except for his boyfriend. When he woke up again, he was surrounded by darkness. He felt around until his hand touched the switch of Ant's bedside lamp. He flicked it on. The alarm clock told him it was 9pm. So he had slept right through the day. Maybe if he just stayed here he might be able to sleep through his life and then he'd be with Ant again.
He heard the click of the door handle and watched Martin enter.
"I saw the light on, so I ..."
"...Came to take care of me." Dec said bluntly.
"Yes...No, I mean...Decky." Martin stammered searching for a suitable answer. There was none. Finally he said, "You haven't eaten all day."
"I'm not hungry," the grief stricken man uttered before burying his face back in his lost love's pillow. Approaching the bed the older brother gently touched the younger's back and said, "You have to eat something."
Dec sprang up his eyes blazing, his face twisted in fury and snarled through gritted teeth, "I said I. Am. Not. Hungry. Now get the fuck out of here and leave me ALONE!"
After he vented his anger, Declan slammed his face back into the pillow and blocked out the world again. Martin wisely decided not to pursue the topic any further and crept out of the room shutting the door behind him.

A broken heart does a lot of things to you. It makes you depressed. It makes you cry. It makes you want to take your own life. What it doesn't do is kill your hunger.
In the early dawn light Dec was forced to drag himself out of bed because of his growling stomach. He searched around in the fridge and found the bowl of pasta that he had cooked for Ant in anticipation of his return home. Re-heating it, he served himself a portion and ate it slowly. The pasta was cooked nicely and the spices in the sauce were just right but it was the worst meal he ever had in his whole life.
Dec stared intently at the pasta on his plate. The person who would have truly appreciated it was now gone. But maybe he wasn't. They hadn't found his body. Maybe he had managed to swim to safety. But then it had been almost two days. So he should have been home by now. Ant was like a homing pigeon. Nothing could stop him from coming home. Declan picked up his plate. He hadn't been able to eat more than a few morsels of the pasta. Dumping the rest down the bin, he washed his plate put it on the counter to dry. He grimaced at the rest of the pasta still in the bowl and was just about to throw the whole bowl into the bin when Martin's hand stopped him.
"No," his brother firmly commanded. "This won't solve anything Decky."
"Mart, he's gone," Dec whispered as the tears started to fall again.

***
They were at the karaoke bar at the after show party for SNT. Ant was singing to him.
*He has such a beautiful voice.*

Dec couldn't help but feel proud that this man was all his. Ant knew that particular song from Journey always made him cry so he was purposely singing it to him. Was the song a hint from Ant that he wanted to follow in his little sister's footsteps and make their relationship official? If so, yes, Dec would fulfil Ant this wish. Yes, they would take the plunge. He had even seen the perfect rings on display in a jewellers shop window. Tomorrow he would go and buy the rings.

***
He turned over to cuddle into Anthony and his arm fell across the emptiness. He woke up with Ant's voice still humming in his ears and realized that it was all too late.