The Way Back

Chapter 32

TRIS POV

Over the course of the next month, even though I have my life back, it doesn't feel like my own. I feel like a stranger taking another person's place, and I don't know why.

This home is mine. Tobias is mine. The friends I see in the Pit and the objects around the apartment and the compound are all mine.

And yet I can't settle in.

I want to blame it on the war and all that it did to me, but it would be a lie. There is a deeper issue: I have almost everything I could ever want, and I am not happy. I mentioned once that I didn't think I could ever find joy again. That statement is only becoming truer as time passes.

Tobias senses that my behavior is off, but I think he casts it aside as my recovering. A lot did happen to me, so I don't blame him for believing so, even though he is wrong.

It seems like I spend too much of my time staring out windows. Maybe it is because I long for the outside world. I can't handle cities any longer—most of what I have witnessed in them in the last couple years is death and destruction—and if I can pretend to see past all of the buildings then I can escape.

Another habit of mine is exercising, but that isn't new. For the past month and a half, I have dedicated myself to building up muscle and maintaining a healthy body. I'm no longer skin and bones after starving for days on end, but I do still spend a lot of time locked up in the training room so I don't go stir crazy.

The urge for something different is suffocating me. I feel trapped, and I think it is the city. And I'm puzzled by it because why would I want to leave my home? Is there even any decent place to live left out in the world?

This information isn't in my knowledge, so I decide to confide in my best friend, especially since this involves him as well.

I'm hesitant to bring up the idea of leaving Chicago because this is Tobias's home too, and he has lived here for three years longer than I have. He doesn't have any reason to leave that I'm aware of, and I don't want to pile all of this on top of him if he doesn't want to. I don't want this to cause trouble between us, for guilt of my unhappiness to fester inside him.

But I can't bear this. If I have to stay here for the rest of my life, I think I will lose my mind.

So one day, when we are relaxed on the couch with his head in my lap, I bring up the topic. I keep my hands busy with running through his thick hair to keep me occupied so I can get the words out.

"I don't know what you think about this, but I don't know if I want to live here anymore," I admit.

He sits up at my startling comment and adjusts himself so he can face me. "What?" he asks. "You mean Dauntless?"

"No," I correct him. "I mean Chicago."

For a moment there is a heavy silence, and I wonder if I have made the wrong decision by telling him. Pressing a hand to my forehead in embarrassment, I say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything..."

"No, it's okay. I'm glad that you're being honest with me. I just...have never thought about it, that's all."

I stare at my hands in my lap so I won't have to look at him as I make a request. "Will you do me a favor and think about it? Please? It's important to me."

His hand reaches out to cover mine, and I meet his eyes. "Of course," he says with a warm smile that lights his eyes. Maybe he doesn't mind the idea. "How about you tell me more about what you're thinking, and I'll think it over and give you an answer by tomorrow?"

With a grateful kiss, I agree. Then I proceed to pitch the idea to him, about living in a remote place where we can put the war behind us and start a family. He listens with an open mind as he traces the be brave tattoo on the inside of my arm. I can't tell whether or not my rambling influences him, but I don't mind because at least he is considering it.