fade ; afi+lrh

39

the room is empty when i return, but the window is open. carefully, i climb out the window and onto the roof, seeing ashton by the edge, wrapped in a blanket. he looks so calm and peaceful.

i sit next to him.

"hey," he says, looking out over the view.

"hi."

without looking, he takes my hand and pulls it over to his lap, interlocking our fingers. "i love holding your hand."

i bite my lip. "it's nice when you do." he stays silent for a bit. "ash, are you gonna tell me?"

"i guess i have to," he sighs.

"i won't leave you or be mad, i promise."

he gives me a small smile before turning back to the world. "remember before i kinda shut off?"

"the summer you went away, yeah."

"that's when it happened. i was depressed before, you know that. i just blamed it on my dad, afterwards. but it wasn't just him."

i can see him fading away into his thoughts so i squeeze his hand and lay my head on his shoulder.

"i went to london that summer, or around london, anyways. i was allowed to just wander around by myself, so i did. i met a guy there. his name was hunter. he was smoking when i first saw him. we became friends really quickly. he showed me around, took me to clubs, introduced me to people. a few weeks into summer, he was smoking and we were talking about our pasts and he kissed me. i didn't know how to really feel about it, because i knew it was probably just a summer romance and he was only doing it because he felt sorry for me."

he takes a deep breath, wiping away at the tears in his eyes.

"nothing changed between us. that was the only time we kissed. two days before i left, i went to his flat. some guy was there and he seemed pretty upset with me. he started calling hunter a fag and saying just awful things-" his voice breaks off and i pull him closer, squeezing his hand tightly for comfort.

"hunter said that he didn't like me, and i was a little hurt but it was understandable. then, the guy told hunter to prove it."

"prove what?"

"that he didn't like me."

"ashton, i know how this is going to end. you don't have to finish."

"he hurt me, luke," ashton whispered. "i could smell how much he had been smoking and when i found out you were addicted and not just occasionally smoking, i broke. i broke down and pushed you away and that was so wrong of me. i thought i needed time to sort myself out, to tell myself you weren't hunter because- god, luke, you're so much better than that. but i was scared no matter how many times michael yelled at me. i wasn't scared of you. i was scared of my feelings for you. i couldn't let myself love you when i thought you were going to hurt me."

"i'm never going to hurt you," i whisper softly into his ear.

"i know that now. i'm sorry," he replies. before he can go on, i cup his face and press our lips together. in that one kiss i try to make a promise i can keep.

i won't hurt you.