Dear mom, I'm sorry

• H O P E L E S S ..

Aisha's POV

The next few days were a total blur. I didn't even know how to face my little brother Adam or what lie I'm going to make up this time.

After a thousand times I insisted, they finally released me from the hospital and allowed me to go back home.

As I arrived, I knocked on the door, and Maria, our old nanny had received me. Although she shot me a welcoming and warm smile; sorrow and pain could be read through her eyes.

I sighed guessing that she surely felt sorry for me.

She had the right to, I also felt sorry for myself.

I opened my mouth to say something when I heard some footsteps stomping hurriedly against the wooden floor. A quick minutes later Adam's angelic face appeared by the doorstep, "Aishaaa" He greeted.

"Hey," I replied unenthusiastically, ruffling his hair, when I noticed a sudden change in him.

He had bags under his eyes.

"Adam," I called bending over to his face. He replied with the affirmative. "Didn't I order you to stop watching TV late at night? Look at your face! you look like you haven't slept for days"!

"I- I wasn't watching Tv," Adam defended innocently but I scolded him still, rolling my eyes.

"Then what were you doing"?

"I've been making a gift for mommy when she'll come back." Adam grinned proudly.

"W-what"? The expression on my face changed and abruptly became very gloomy. I wanted to cry.

"Adam wouldn't go to sleep until I force him to. He wanted to wait for her to come back." Maria added painfully, arms crossed over her chest.

"Oh Adam .." I turned to Adam with teary eyes and hugged him tightly. He responded to my hug not really understanding.

Adam was able to spend endless nights waiting for our mother and I couldn't even call her once just to know if she's doing fine  .. how selfish it was from me.

And there, the most expected question came out of his mouth. "Why isn't mommy coming back home Aisha?"

I turned my head away, avoiding any eye contact with him. He tugged on my shirt. "Where is mommy Aisha? Why isn't she coming back"?

"Doesn't she like us anymore"?

My heart broke instantly into millions pieces as I feared his reaction once I'll tell him the truth.

"You need to sit down; I have something to tell you." I ordered nicely, trying to hold back my uncontrolled tears.

"Well, you know" I began, stroking uneasily the white bracelet that was hanging around my wrist. "Mom would always wish us the best. She loves us a lot."

I glanced at him. He'd kept his head down, silent, I continued. "She'd never ever harm us or hurt us."

"But why she doesn't come home then"? Adam questioned impassively, looking up into my eyes.

"Mommy can't because she .." My voice trembled, I couldn't take it, I was gonna cry. But I took on myself and finished my sentence. "S-she went to a very beautiful place with trees and rivers and ... she's very happy there so," I paused. "She's not coming back ..." I enunciated, on the verge of crying.

Adam stayed awfully silent. He'd kept his head down, legs kicking in the air, clearing the floor by several inches as they swung back and forth. I was mesmerized by such a quiet emotion.

"C-can I see her"?  He suddenly spilled out of his drawn inward lips. His face's taken an unhealthy look and his eyes were barely open.

The doctors have allowed us to enter the room where my mom's body was conserved. I held Adam's hand as we both stepped in the room. He let go of my hand and I watched him walking silently towards mom's bed. 

For some minute he stayed awkwardly silent, and then he turned to me with a smile. I feared his reaction.

"Mommy looks beautiful when she sleeps."

I looked up at him and mumbled. "Yea ... she does,"

"She will wake up soon, won't she"?

I stared at him, unable to control my tears and nodded. But Adam didn't stop there; he touched my arm's mom and started shaking it. "Mom, open your eyes, I have bought a gift for you."

He took the small white box he made with adhesive with Maria and held it into his hands. "Maria and I spent hours and hours to make it. I was very tired but I didn't give up because I love you and I'd do anything to make you happy."

He received no reaction. It was just static.

"I hope you'll like it" Adam held his box out to her but obviously there's still no reaction from her. She was gone ..

Impassive Adam didn't give up and continued.

"Do you know what it is? It is a picture of you and I on the day of my birthday .."

"On that day you looked so happy .."

"The day I had promised to myself that I wouldn't cry even when life gets hard an-"

"Adam" I called out, slightly cutting him off as I noticed a change into the tone of his voice. He sounded like he's choking. He paused for a while and ignored me before continuing.

"You've always said that you'd be here for me .. " Adam clenched his fists. His voice became angered but with pain. "Now I need you but you're gone"! He trailed off.

My heart sunk deeply and I wept more than I already did.

"Adam, stop, please stop" I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards me. His face was wet with tears. He sunk into his knees & collapsed onto the floor and there; burst into tears. It was more than crying, it was the kids of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope.

I crouched down in front of him, crying with him. "How could she go like this Aisha"? He asked between gaps of tears.

"She didn't even say goodbye .."

His gasping wails echoed around the dark room. The pain that flowed from him was as palpable was the frigid fall.
He knew deep down that she was gone, he just couldn't admit it.

"I'm sorry Adam ..." My voice caught on the last word. I hoped he didn't notice.

Adam didn't respond, sounding like he was chocking. That's something I can't do. To fight away my tears no matter how hard they want to show. I bury my face in my hands for a second; it's so hard.

He suddenly stood up and pushed me away with his tiny hands which destabilized me. " I don't wanna see you anymore! You caused her death"! I hate you"!