Dear mom, I'm sorry

• One Last Goodbye ~ END

5 months later ...

It's been five months now since my mother's funeral, and I'm still not over it. Every day was another day without her, and every single day my heart shattered again seeing the untouched empty bed of her room.

All of the baggage she owned remained unmoved and intact. Her toothbrush still balanced on top of the rim of her cup; her shoes still remaining on the shoe rack and her last dirty clothes she wore, well, in the dirty pile.

Her untouched side of the bed still slightly smell like her and for the past few weeks, I had slept with my nose buried into her pillows, as if I could trick myself thinking that she was still alive again.

Not a day goes by without me visiting her grave. Over and over again. And today was another routine day where I decided to go to mourn her for the last time.

Yes, it was time for me to move on.  Because no matter how hard it may be, life goes on ..

A blank of clouds covered the sky as fine raindrops slowly fell on the asphalt road. I eyed the sky nervously, the clouds that had been wispy and white that morning were now darker and denser.

It looks like the sun has given up on trying breaking through this iron curtain of clouds that it has become content to lounging out behind them.

When I arrived at the cemetery, I pulled my thin cardigan around myself and walked in with the umbrella stick. My mother's grave was at the far back, where it was newer. I had passed by a few mourning families and couple of friends.

My hands gripped the crisp stems of the flowers I was holding as I stood before her headstone.

The tips of my finger had gone cold, but I continued clenching them, just like my heart, losing all hope. But I had to live with it.

"Hi .. mom," I mumbled timidly looking at her headstone. "I'm back."

"Missed me"? I asked after a long tern silence before chuckling without humour, realizing the gravity of my craziness. "Yeah right, obviously you can't respond."

I crouched down in front of her headstone and gazed around. My eyes went up at the blanketed sky. "Nice weather, right"? I redirected my eyes back to her headstone and confessed with a low voice. "Just wanted to tell you that — I miss you — I need you, I love you and .."

"I'm sorry .." I mumbled with sincerity, my heart aching.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you mother."

"I'm sorry that I've made you cry."

"I didn't listen to you."

"I've disobeyed you and chose the wrong path."

"I feel so regretful that I had chosen my friends over you."

"I thought I was right. I thought that I still had a long life ahead of me. I thought that you were pessimistic"

"I've mistreated you. I disrespected you."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I loved you ..."

"I wish you were still alive, again. "

"I wish,"

"I wish I had another chance." I wailed sorrowfully, my voice on the verge of cracking. I looked up to the sky, as tears began rolling down my frigid and cold face. "I know — I know it's too late now but ..."

"I wish I could see you one last time .."

"At least to say one last goodbye ..." I backhanded my tears as I tried to hide my pain with a fake smile.

I know I may sound bizarre, but letting myself believe that I am able to communicate with her through a rock makes me feel safe and less lonely. I prayed one last time to Allah to forgive her sins and grants her Jannah before deciding to head back home.

I looked one last time at the blanketed sky and for the first time it's seemed clouds were fading away; letting place to a warm sun. 

I set the peaches and cream flowers I have bought down to the ground; it fell to the wet green grass making a sweet soft noise. That's when I made my last goodbye.

~ Live forever; mom.