Love Thy Neighbor

Chapter 37

Almost three years later...

I'm in bed. It's Saturday, which means I don't have to get up super early. No such luck, though. I'm awoken at 6:37 AM to the sounds of a baby cooing over the video monitor. I turn and look at the screen and see her on her back, grabbing her chubby feet.

I get up and pee before going into the room next to mine.

"Hello, my sweet girl!" I say to her. She smiles up at me and laughs.

I change her diaper and take her back into my room where I crawl back in bed and feed her. She eats her fill, burps several times, and then wants to play. I sit up with my legs crossed and put her on her back. I talk to her while she shakes an elephant toy I had on the bed. She giggles endlessly.

In some ways, when I am with my daughter like this, I am the happiest I have ever been. But in other ways I am the saddest. I hate that I have no one to share this with on a daily basis.

I recall how I got to this place while I play with my beautiful Delilah.

After Shawn and I broke up, I made sure I did not see him again before he'd left to go back on tour. Once he was gone, I went to his condo, cleared out everything that belonged to me, and left his key on the counter.

My dad was not happy about it, but I convinced him to sell my condo. I told him there was no way I'd be staying in Toronto after grad school, and that I could not handle running into Shawn. It sold quickly and I moved to graduate student housing on campus. I had a cute one bedroom apartment. Maybe it wasn't as posh as my old place, but it was right there on campus and far enough away from Shawn that I could avoid running into him.

I threw myself into my schoolwork and took two jobs on campus to eat up any free time I had. I was hired to be an undergrad 'grader' in the math department, which is exactly what it sounds like. I'd run scantron tests through the machine and enter scores into a database for whichever teachers put in for help. I'd also grade tests that weren't multiple choice. These were a bit more challenging and a lot more fun.

My other job was as a tutor. I primarily worked with athletes who were struggling to maintain their GPA's. I only tutored math, but I had more requests than I could handle.

It was nice to make money. I'd hardly spent the money I made at my internship, and now I was making much more between my jobs and my half of the rent I was collecting on the Brooklyn house. I put everything in the bank since my living expenses were so minimal.

I didn't date for a long time. I was asked out several times, twice even by professors, but I just couldn't do it. I was not over Shawn.

I took the break-up incredibly hard. The first thing I did was remove all things from my life that reminded me of him. No, I didn't throw the beautiful jewelry he'd given me out, but I put it in my safe deposit box so that I'd never really have to see it. Maybe I should have returned it when I dropped off the key, but I thought of the gift card and how he'd reacted to me trying to give that back. I knew he'd want me to keep it.

I removed him from my contacts. I stopped following him on social media. I actually quit social media cold turkey for almost a year. That did not keep me from seeing things, though. When I went on google, news about Shawn would pop up. About five months after we'd broken up he was spotted out with someone (a model- big surprise) and eventually confirmed in an interview that he and I had "amicably split up." It took a couple pints of ice cream and a lot of Oreos to work my way past that one.

Elsie never mentioned Shawn to me. I know she went to his concert with her friends and I assume she went backstage and saw him, but she knew not to tell me about any of that. The little bit I heard, I got from my mom when she slipped up and mentioned it.

I left Toronto for the weekend of his tour-closing shows. He had two sold-out concerts and the excitement in the city was unreal. I went to Quebec and hunkered down there.

After the tour, I was afraid to run into him. I figured he'd moved back into the condo. Liz was still dating his friend at that point, and I found out Shawn was splitting his time between Toronto and Los Angeles. I knew he loved it there so I was not surprised. Liz and her guy broke up that summer, which was a selfish relief for me. I didn't want any news from her, and I really didn't want Shawn to know what I was doing.

A little more than a year after Shawn and I broke up, I ran into David in Toronto. We were both buying lunch at a sandwich shop, so we sat down and ate together. He told me he was there on business and that he was working for a financial firm in New York City. He seemed content with his life, which was the polar opposite of where I stood with mine. I was graduating in May and everything was up in the air.

A couple weeks after the sandwich shop encounter, David texted me and said he really wanted to see me again and that he'd come to Toronto if I was willing.

Maybe it was loneliness. Maybe it was desperation. Maybe it was that he was familiar and falling back in with him was like getting back on a bike after not riding for years. Against my better judgement, I said yes.

He visited, we went on three dates over the course of the weekend, and by the time he'd left on Sunday, things were turning romantic. He visited again soon after and stayed with me instead of getting a hotel.

I won't lie and say that the sex with David was wonderful and magical just because he'd been my first love and we were back together. It was sex and I did it because I needed to feel desired again. David did not compare to Shawn, and I know comparing them was bad to do, but I couldn't help it. David was probably a 7 on a scale of 1-10 and Shawn was a 12.

I can't say I regret getting back together with David, though.