Acrophilia

XV: perspective

       "Hey, don't take this the wrong way but... what are you doing here? I mean in the hospital. I see you here often," Jaebeom asks after sitting with their backs to the rail, shoulder to shoulder, heads tilted to the starless sky. Just now Jaebeom wonders why Jinyoung is at the hospital instead of just wondering why he's at the rooftop. The latter answer is quite evident.

"Mm..." the younger muses. "I just am here, that's how it is."

Jaebeom turns to look at Jinyoung because that vague answer is too much, even coming from Jinyoung. The younger feels Jaebeom's eyes on him and turns to meet his gaze, realising he needs to elaborate.

"Sometimes I find myself in certain places without realising, without wanting to be there or making a conscious decision to go there," the other boy tries to explain again, but it still sounds vague to Jaebeom.

"Do you come to visit someone?" He suggests, thinking that makes sense.

"I guess you could say that," Jinyoung grants, breaking the eye contact and watching the dark sky again. "Someone who's waiting for me."

"So you come to the hospital but don't see that person, is that what you mean?" Jaebeom tries to understand, not daring to imagine a situation in which Jinyoung doesn't dare to go see whoever is waiting for him.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"And why don't you go see that person if you make it to the hospital?" Jaebeom asks before he realises he's being too nosy and it doesn't seem to be an easy subject for Jinyoung. But he's curious, especially when his mind thinks that maybe the reason Jinyoung was on edge today was because of that person.

"Because I'm not ready to see him," Jinyoung replies in a sigh, closing his eyes and then taking a deep breath. "I'm waiting for him to give up."

"May I... may I ask what giving up would entitle?"

Jinyoung doesn't reply and Jaebeom just watches his profile, the thick eyebrows, the short nose, thick lips and small chin, a perfectly sculpted profile that is so still it makes Jaebeom think he's staring at a statue.

"Something you wouldn't like," Jinyoung smiles in such dark way that it sends shivers down Jaebeom's spine.

He understands, obviously he does. Jinyoung means that that person would die if he gives up, and he's waiting for that. It makes Jaebeom incredibly conflicted because he holds on to life, dearly, but he remembers what Jinyoung told him the night before, how he thought of the person between life and death was struggling. Maybe it's not cruelty but mercy.

"Maybe if you go see him he'll give up. Maybe he's waiting for you to say goodbye," Jaebeom proposes, just guessing because he doesn't really know the real extent of Jinyoung's situation and he has a feeling it's not a good idea to talk about that now.

"No," Jinyoung shakes his head. "If I go to see him, he'll surely wake up and that wouldn't be good for anyone." He chuckles, once again, in that dark way but now Jaebeom realises it's like that because there's desperation and hopelessness in his voice and in his eyes when he turns to look at Jaebeom again "I'm a horrible person for this, aren't I? I'm basically wishing and waiting for someone to die."

Jaebeom doesn't know how to answer that. Partly, he does think Jinyoung is cruel and on the wrong for wishing that someone gives up and dies, but at the same time he sees the pain in his eyes and the struggle, which means a lot coming from someone who doesn't see anything good in staying alive. From Jinyoung's perspective, death is the most merciful thing, the escape from hell, so his intentions aren't cruel, they are cruel in society's view of life and death where the latter is the bad outcome.