Acrophilia

XXXVIII: agony

With shaky hands, Jaebeom reaches for the button that will call a nurse in the room. His sight is i and he's doing his best not to cry, but his eyes are fixed on Jinyoung and the younger is crying. He looks hopeless and just so disappointed. Jaebeom imagines the other man looks like that because he's awake and that wasn't what he wanted. That's never been what he wanted, or at least it wasn't before the accident, things changed after that.

In his chest his heart is aching, so much it is actually hard to breathe, but at no point does he take his eyes off of Jinyoung. Foolishly, he never thought about the possibility of Jinyoung not recognising him, his biggest worry was losing Jinyoung, not keeping his memories of their time together.

What a fool.

A nurse comes in and even without turning to look at her he can imagine her surprise when she sees Jinyoung is awake, Jaebeom hears her intake of air and how she stops on her tracks.

"He's finally awake!" The nurse cries out, immediately running to take everything out of Jinyoung's face so he can breathe on his own. "I'll call the doctor immediately," she announces, promptly turning on her heels and walking out of the room again, faster this time.

Jaebeom only nods his head, not knowing if he should stay in the room. Part of him still holds on dearly to the hope perhaps Jinyoung still recognises him.

"Jinyoungie..." he whispers and the younger boy turns to look at him. At least he does recognise his own name, Jaebeom thinks.

When they meet eyes, Jinyoung's expression doesn't change much, he looks as clueless as he did before, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Who..." he breathes out, choked and hoarse, coughing a few times. Jaebeom immediately grabs a glass of water, trying to help Jinyoung but the younger man recoils when Jaebeom gets closer, as if he was scared. "Who...are... you?"

His heart hits the floor one more time at the confirmation that Jinyoung doesn't recognise him; it hurts so much as if something was torn open in his chest and now he's bleeding out, right in that hospital room with all the other patients as witnesses.

Those features Jaebeom got so used to, the ones he learned to read and the ones he loves so dearly only show wariness and extreme confusion. The dark brown eyes flick from side to side, exploring their surroundings and avoiding Jaebeom.

"Just passing by..." Jaebeom whispers, stepping back and needing space, needing air because it hurts so much he's drowning in his own sorrow.

In that moment and as a small blessing, the doctor and nurses come in. Jaebeom steps back slowly, disappearing unnoticed and Jinyoung doesn't even spare him once glance.

Heartbroken and resigned, Jaebeom leaves Jinyoung to the professionals and walks way in a trance. He lets his feet to lead him anywhere, he's not paying attention, he doesn't care. He cannot rejoice in the miracle that Jinyoung woke up, the pain due to the younger not recognising him is far too greater, far more powerful, far more intoxicating.

All those months, all those memories and important moments... they don't exist anywhere but Jaebeom's mind. The love he's so sure of now is definitely not requited.

He's the only one in love.

Jaebeom walks into the lift, down to the lobby and out of the hospital building. Into the streets and the symphony of the busy city of Seoul becomes a distant noise that doesn't even register in his ears. Everything is just a buzz for him and he doesn't even pay attention. He crosses streets in red lights and is lucky not to get run over. He walks absentmindedly, completely surrendered to his pain.

Jaebeom walks for minutes, hours or maybe days. It doesn't register with him, it doesn't matter.  All he can see is Jinyoung's dark eyes not recognising him, the tight line of his lips in rejection, the furrow of his brow in confession.