Acrophilia

XXXII: resentment

         "Are you still not speaking to your Jinyoung?" Jackson asks one Tuesday afternoon, after more than a week has passed since the last time he saw Jinyoung.

Jaebeom has reached some peace, if anything by just strongly denying everything that is happening and stubbornly focusing on his studies. Whenever Jinyoung comes to his mind, he starts doing something, anything. Editing photos, studying, going for a run, reading, even cooking. Anything just not to think of Jinyoung, not to feel anything.

Even then, when Jackson mentions his name, Jaebeom flinches, his heart aches and longs and his mind whines with all the blocked thoughts he's ignored and refused to deal with.

"Why are you even asking that?" Jaebeom asks, refusing to meet eyes with his best friend.

Mark isn't around, it's just the two of them for once. Jackson invited him to have meat, which now Jaebeom realises it was probably a decoy to get him to do something else, like talking about Jinyoung.

"Well, clearly something happened. You changed immensely, and not for the better. It's like a part of you died and you're just working on sheer stubborn will. Did he cheat on you? If he did I'm gonna beat him up and I swear I'll—"

"No, he didn't do that," Jaebeom laughs at his overprotective friend.

"Then what happened? Why are you like this? I don't wanna be nosy but I'm worried and even if I can't fix things for you, I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. You always bottle everything up and I hate to remind you I'm your friend and you can lean on me, too."

Jaebeom is surprised with Jackson's little outburst and he also feels a bit guilty. He doesn't do it on purpose, he is just used to keep everything inside instead of sharing his worries with his friends. It's why opening up to Jinyoung was such an uncommon thing that not even today he can understand how it happened.

Maybe because Jinyoung isn't really a person.

"I know you are," Jaebeom smiles. "And I'm sorry I make you worry, I just... don't feel comfortable talking about it."

"But it might help you," Jackson insists and Jaebeom appreciates the other's thoughtfulness.

"It's difficult."

"You can try," he insists. "Try me. Then we'll decide if I need to beat his ass or not."

Jaebeom laughs, grabbing a leaf of lettuce to put some meat inside, wrapping it around it to give it to Jackson, just a token of appreciation.

"I guess you weren't so wrong about teasing me with him and I was actually falling in love with him," Jaebeom starts, not making eye contact, hoping that helps him to tell his friend more or less what's going on.

"I knew it!" Jackson chirps, more excited than he should, making Jaebeom chuckle again.

"But Jinyoung was keeping something from me, something way too big to let it slide and continue as if nothing. And then I found out more about it, which has only made it worse. I... felt betrayed and I can't bring myself to forgive him or hate him."

"What does he say about it? Is he sorry? Is he beginning you to forgive him every day?"

"He says he is sorry," Jaebeom begins, making a wrap for himself this time. "But he doesn't insist to fix it. In the spur of my hurt I told him to get lost and I haven't seen him again. I don't know where he is, what he's doing... or if he's gone forever."

His hands shake, because that's the thought he has to block more often. What if Jinyoung is gone forever? What if he never shows up again? It paralyses Jaebeom with fear, more than he's willing to accept because he told the other to disappear, how can he be such a hypocrite to be scared that's exactly what the other young man did?