Dunkirk • H.S

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I want to replace this darkness in my head with reasons I should be happy about being alive but I can't.

Ever since we came back to the motel, I've been lying motionless on the bed letting my thoughts consume me.

The sound of the bathroom door being fuddled with signals that Harry is out of the shower now. I wanted to turn my body the other way where I wasn't facing him but I felt as if i didn't have the energy to do that so I stayed where I was.

The door opened and out he walked, and for the first time, he didn't have a shirt on. His baige skin was decorated with water droplets had and he had a pair of grey night pants on that hung low around his hips. What made me stare harder were the tattoos that adorned his torso. There were so many.

I didn't bother to look away, I was liking what I was seeing, but when he walked past me to where I could no longer see him, I couldn't help but admit that I was slightly disappointed.

"Are you hungry?" His voice was deep, the sound of it could put me to sleep if he went on talking long enough.

"No." I answered him. I wasn't lying. I know I should feed myself, I need food, but I can't find it in me to have any kind of apitite for food.

"Are you going to lie there all night?" I could hear him across the room. I wandered if his arms were crossed while he asked it.

I turned my head and looked at him, his hair was wet and he was bent over running his towel throu it, trying to dry it. While he did that, I took the time to stare at him some more and watch how his muscles flexed while he moved.

"What else am I supposed to do?" I asked.

"You could talk to me if you want." He offered softly after he set the towel down. I heard the soft thud of the fabric against the floor.

"I don't really want to talk about it, I don't even want to think about it but it just keeps running through my head and I can't get it to go away." I sigh.

He sat on the edge of my bed and i rolled over to where I was facing him.

"I'm sorry," he reached for my hand and held it, lacing his long fingers between mine.

The action brought butterflies to my stomach and made my heart skip a beat.

"If you want to go back h-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it." I said softly as I stared at him. His pupils were dialated and I could smell the soap from the shower on him.

He crawled on the bed and moved to where he was hovering over me, both of his legs are on one side of me and his face was inches away from mine.

"Don't let me think about it." I whispered the words to him, and I saw something flicker in his eyes as I said it. He stayed there for a second like he was hesitating to do something so I did it myself. If this is the only way for me to distract myself from facing reality than I'm doing it.

I wrapped my hands around the nape of if his neck, my fingeres fisting the hair there and i pulled his lips to mine. His lips were cold and soft, and I liked the feeling.

I know I'm doing this in spite to not think about my sister but I do want this. It's something I crave.

I crave to feel his lips on mine. To feel his hands on my body, to let his fingers roam every inch of my skin. I crave his lust.

I let out a moan when he grunted as I bit his lip between my teeth, sucking on it to heal the instant pain.

"Blair, you can't tease me like this and jus-"

"Shut up," I run my hands down his bare chest, running my fingeres across his inked skin until I felt his hardness in my palm.

I felt him shiver, his head fell in the crease of my neck as I squeezed his length, feeling it get harder and thicker as the seconds pass.

"Oh god," he breathed out in my ear.

I turned my head, sticking my tongue out and letting it trace the shell of his ear before I whispered into it.

"Please, Harry." I moaned.

I let out a loud gasp when he fisted my hair and yanked harshly, pulling my head back and exposing my neck to him.

His mouth sucked in multiple places on my neck, I'm sure leaving marks everywhere.

Then all of a sudden I felt him stop. I could feel his breath hit my neck and I wondered what was wrong.

"Why did-"

"I'm not doing this." He said, getting off of me.

I looked at him confused and slightly offended.

"What? Why? I thought you wanted to.." my breathing was irate.

"Of course I want to, Blair. I want you so fucking badly, but I can't. Not while you're like this. I won't, and you want to know why?" His tone grew more stern as he spoke. "If we had sex right now, you would wake up in the morning and ask yourself why the hell you let yourself do it. You would regret it, in any sense, you would regret it. So I'll wait when you're ready, when you want to have sex with me to actually feel something with me. I don't want to be a distraction, Blair."  He shook his head and got off the bed.

His words shunned me. I didn't say anything at first, maybe because it was true that I wanted to have some sort of sexual pleasure as a distraction. But I was in awe at how sincere his words were.

"That wasn't...i wasn't.."

"I'm not mad, it's okay." He said, interrupting me, not that I had anything else to say. "I'm not going to let you give yourself to me under this condition. It's not right." He shrugged his shoulders and flunked himself down on his bed.

"I'm sorry," I muttered loud enough for him to hear.

"It's fine, Blair. Get some sleep, you need it." He reached to turn the lamp off and soon the room was flooded with darkness.

My heart was still racing, and I could still feel my flushed cheeks.

I wasn't tired at all. I was wide awake. But in spite of all that I rolled over and folded my arms beneath my head.

"Goodnight, Harry." I said softly, closing my eyes.

"Goodnight, Blair."

***

It was hot. It was extremely hot, I could feel sweat bead all over the surface of my skin as I woke up.

"Why is it so hot?" I ask, sitting up.

"Air conditioning stopped working." Harry was standing with the door cracked in front of him, looking outside.

"Just ours?" I ask.

"Doesn't seem like it." I hear him mumble as shuts the door.

"This shit place doesn't have breakfast, I thought we could go out and get some if you want." He said, looking at me.

"With what money?" I ask him.

"I have money." He raised his eyebrows. "Do you want to go?"

I nod my head. "Of course, but... I don't want to stay here anymore." I admit.

"What do you mean?" He grabs a shirt off the floor and puts it on.

"I-i want to leave this motel."

"You want to go home." He states, not looking at me as he grabs his wallet off the nightstand.

"What? No, i-"

"Stop lying to yourself, Blair. I know it and you know it. You want to go home. Hell, I want to go home too." He huffs.

I stay quiet. He's right.

"We can get on the road, have some breakfast and we'll go home, yeah?" He tells me, walking over to me.

"I don't know if I'm ready, honestly." I say. Of course I'm excited to go home, but telling my parents the news about my sister would kill them.

"Yes, you are ready." Harry says. "You can go home now."