Antidote

17. Home Isn't A Place, It's A Person

MADISON

"YOU fucked him, Madison."
"When you hurt me it makes me want to crawl out of my skin and pretend I'm not even existing."

Both things Kaiden said to me last night. Both things I can't stop thinking about. I've gotten use to change of units. I go throughout my day like usual. Start a couple of IVS, preform a couple foley catheterizations, chart, chart, and more chart, but all I can think about is Kaiden's voice on the phone. I've never heard him sound so broken besides the time he thought Marcos was going to kill him.

I keep trying to tell myself I've done nothing wrong. I'm making the right decision, prioritizing my future, but it doesn't feel like I've done anything right. I'm still not sure about marrying Jace, but I'm not sure about being with Kaiden right now either. His relapsing only adds to my doubt.

By the time my shift is over, my feet are killing me and I have massive headache from stressing all day. Jace is already home, sitting on the couch, freshly showered. He smiles when he sees me and I take a seat at the end of the couch.

My stomach is churning and my palms are sweaty. How do I tell him I don't want to be engaged anymore?

"Jace, can we talk?" I finally ask. He glances at me before turning the TV off.

"What's going on?"

"Do you think maybe we're moving a little too fast?" I twist the ring around on my finger.

"No," He says slowly. "Do you?"

"Yes." I say honestly. "I mean, we've only been together two years. And your mom was talking about kids already. It's just a lot all at once."

"Madison, if you want really want to be with someone it shouldn't matter how long you've been together. I knew in the first six months of us being together you are the one I want to marry."

That's how I feel about Kaiden. We were together less than a year, but I still compare every man I meet to him.

"I- I don't know what to say." My voice trembles and I blink a couple times so I don't cry.

"Okay, it's okay." He quickly moves to wrap his arms around me. "We can slow down."

I nod my head, wiping some of the tears that managed to escape. "Thank you."

He doesn't say anything, just holds me. Jace is a good man. He doesn't deserve this.

———
I keep waiting to hear from Kaiden, but he never tries to reach out to me. I text Cameron, asking if Kaiden's okay, and Cameron says he is. I even unblocked Kaiden's number, but still nothing.

I could text him if I really wanted to. I know the phone works both ways. I should swallow my pride and just do it, but for some reason I can't.

Jace is going golfing today, so I'm going out with Anesha and Megan from work. We're just going to the mall to look around and grab something to eat. It's a break from my normal routine, so I'm grateful.

Megan and Anesha decide to hit up Victoria's Secret first. I kind of just tag along. I'm more private about my personal life while Megan is way out there. Anesha kind of falls in between.