Dirk Gently Oneshots

Roommates

"People say there's this guy on campus that is like...psychic," Amanda says mysteriously to me as she chews on a red vine.

"C'mon, Amanda, psychic people don't exist. It's all a big joke," I tease back at her, nicking a red vine out of the packet and smiling as she complains then settles down as we continue to walk.

"Honestly, though, Dirk Gently, people are saying he's genuine. But, like, weird. I don't know," Amanda pauses in the middle of most sentences in order to decide what she wants to say. Or maybe it's the fact that she's still chewing her candy.

"How do you even know? This is your first year. Don't ya think I would've noticed if there was a psychic in the uni?"

"Come on, Todd," she gives me a look, "You're the most oblivious person I have ever met."

"No I'm not," I defend instantly, hurt by the accusation. Oblivious? Me?

"Ya huh? What about the time when Charlie Trevor kissed your girlfriend behind the bike shed when you were in the bike shed and still talking to her?" Amanda raises a single eyebrow, placing the now-empty packet in the bin.

"That never happened, it was a rumour!" I shoot back, teeth clenched.

"Todd," she states simply, "I was there, watching."

"Slightly creepy, I'll ignore that."

"You can't deny it happened though, I saw it!" Amanda sings cheerily.

We walked for another half a minute in peaceful silence before she found her room. "Well, this is my stop," she sighs, "Wish me luck with the roomie."

"Good luck," I am sincere in wishing her - roommates around here can get pretty dodgy at times. For example, last year, I had a guy who was at least 23 and off his head with drugs half the time, never seeming to go to lectures but was still hardly ever in the room we shared. I never even found out his major, he was always too high to remember.

Although I really would quite like some luck myself as well because this year I would like to be like a normal university student and go to my lectures like a normal human. So I plod onto my room in a different part of the campus and hold my breath as I turn the key to my new room.

Immediately I am bombarded with a sight that I didn't want to see. Obviously my roommate would be the one who climbs through the window in a bright yellow leather jacket. Great first impression. He falls though, brushes his arms off and says, "Hiiiiiiiii," while smiling really weirdly.

I sigh and walk over to the bed that hasn't been used and start to unpack. I reach behind me to put one of my Mexican Funeral t-shirts away and feel someone take my hand. Recoiling and pulling it away, I turn to the guy, "What the hell?"

"I'm trying to decide whether you're a clue, an accomplice or an assistant," he says matter-of-factly, still smiling.

"Who are you? What is this?"

"Have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness in your life as of late? Perhaps a series of intense or extraordinary events that as of now seem unconnected with the exception of being each separately bizarre?" The guy inquires.

I look at him, wondering whether I've ended up with another drug addict and decide that it's going to be another long year, "...No."

He shakes his head, "Sorry, must be the other universe. Still definitely an assistant."

I shake my head this time and turn back to unpacking. He grabs my wrist again, "Wait, Todd, don't you want to know who I am?"

My mouth drops open. We aren't told the names of our roommates before we meet them and I never told this guy my name so unless he's spotted it somehow else, he's a stalker and really weird. He seems to take my mouth gaping as a yes and launches into an explanation.