Harry Christmas to You!

December 13

This morning as you look at yourself in the mirror, you make a promise. No more pining for a man you can't have. He's not yours, you remind yourself. He never was. So when you put your hair into it's now-habitual braid, you smirk a little as you reach for the lip gloss. You're moving beyond this little "crush" you had on him. Sheesh! You were no better than your 13-year-old niece, aching for that blond-haired boy in the band. Harry's doing something nice for the school. Just because he also did something nice for you personally doesn't mean that he likes you, you know, as more than a friend.

Still, you look at the clock several times during the morning, waiting impatiently for him to sing with the children in the afternoon. Each time you catch your thoughts drifting towards him, you picture yourself yanking those thoughts right back to where they belong: the children. By the time the afternoon rolls around, you are tense and nervous to see him again. Now that you know he has a girlfriend, you know it's hands off. He was being polite before. Nothing more.

But you know it's all just facade. The lip gloss is your war paint. You're hurt, but on the other hand you think you're crazy. Did you seriously think he had been waiting for you? A bitter laugh escapes from your lips. You look out of the window and close your eyes. You have to be strong. You can handle this.

Harry knocks at the door and smiles at you through the window. You can't handle this. You open the door quickly and thrust his phone at him, "Here's your phone. Thank you." And you start to close the door. Harry puts his foot inside the door, blocking you from closing it. You shake your head sadly and back away.

He sees your smile. It's not your usual smile. It doesn't reach your beautiful eyes. He is about to turn and go, but he has to do this. He wants you. He wants to kiss you, hug you, and swirl you around. He wants to hear your laugh, and he wants to feel your soft fingers on his skin.

But he sees the sad and tired expression in your eyes. His heart is so heavy, yet light at the same time because you wouldn't be sad if you didn't have romantic feelings towards him.

You open the door with shaky hands, and he enters the room. You nod briskly, tightlipped, and he breathes a gentle hello. Immediately, he heads for the piano, engaging the children in singing several Christmas songs including Jingle Bells and Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

You feel the knife in your chest. He drills it deeper with every glance he gives you as he is playing and singing with the children across the room as you sit at your desk, watching the children and trying not to watch Harry. You are so relieved when the bell rings. As your teaching assistant escorts the students out of the room, you storm out of the classroom and run into the staff room. You grab your backpack and your coat. You try to dress yourself, shoving one arm into your coat while you walk towards the exit. You want to go home directly. Your heart is heavy, and you can't breathe.

You have to head past your classroom to exit, pausing as you hear soft piano sounds. You know this song. Damn. You lean against the cold brick wall. Your heart is racing, and tears are welling up in your eyes.

You can't see him, and you can't hear him at first, but you know it's he who is playing the goddamn piano.

"For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining
And I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right."