CAUTIOUS [knj x bts]

1.6

Jungkook grins as he bounces Namjoon gently in his lap, watching him as he squeals and wriggles like a baby, all bundled up and sweet-smelling in a big soft blanket. The scene makes affection bloom in his chest, filling his mind with a warm and pleasant haze like nothing in the world matters or even exists other than Namjoon, but it still isn't quite enough to quell the guilt still swirling heavy in his stomach like a sickness.
I didn't mean it.
Jungkook knows that he can be childish sometimes - a lot of the time - in a way considerably more selfish and harmful that Namjoon's headspace. Jungkook uses his childishness to be rude and lazy, and while it is something he is growing out of and doing his best to move past, it still comes back in moments of stress and exhaustion, and often causes conflict with the other members. But he always does his best to keep it away from Namjoon, especially when he's in headspace or just in a more vulnerable state, he does his best to keep it tucked away tightly along with his short temper and aggression and selfishness. The other members can handle stuff like that, they can face up to him when they need to, but Namjoon can't do the same, and it is both unfair and dangerous to expose him to it, when Jungkook is meant to be one of his caregivers, one of the pillars of maturity and safety and security in the moments where Namjoon can't provide himself with such things.

And yet Jungkook had still snapped, and he'd still yelled and still said the things he said, because it's so easy to forget about everything when Namjoon is in big space. He's such a solid presence, always ready to bear the weight of any work and stress and problem, that it's sometimes hard to think that he could even possibly be vulnerable. It's hard to remember that he's so young and he's been doing this for so long, leading a group and somehow bearing the worries of people older than himself, like nothing has any bearing on him. That was what had always caused problems at the start, not that any of them had noticed at the time. It's so easy to forget that Namjoon is so human and at that point it was as if none of them had even known, instead just unloading every little bit of stress onto him and yet still keeping their distance, holding him up as their leader, not their friend, not their brother. It was a wonder it had taken so long for Namjoon to break in the first place. And at times like these it's like they'd gone back, like they'd gone back to the times where they all hurt Namjoon every day without caring or knowing, but now they know everything and yet they still forget, they still do it. The only difference now is the guilt, bearing the weight of every time before that they had felt none of it.

Jungkook isn't even sure if Namjoon will remember what happened earlier, considering his sudden shift in headspace. To the headspace he'd had to regress to in order to cope with the fear and guilt and sadness that Jungkook instilled in him. But even if Joonie doesn't remember, Jungkook knows that Namjoon does, Namjoon knows, even if his brain is trying to protect him from it right now, and that's enough to make Jungkook feel almost nauseous.
"Joonie," Jungkook says once Namjoon has caught his breath from all the giggling and settled sleepily against Jungkook's shoulder, his voice soft and coming out a little more grief-stricken than he'd intended. Namjoon doesn't seem to notice the weight in his tone, however, and just gives a soft hum to indicate that he's listening. "D'you remember what Kookie said earlier?"
After a short pause, Namjoon shakes his head, and Jungkook is hit with a simultaneous burst of relief and further guilt. But then Namjoon hesitates, his brows furrowing as he seemingly thinks hard, and then his face drops, shoulders tensing. Jungkook thinks for a moment that he's going to start crying, or scream, or shove Jungkook away from him, but he stays still, and doesn't do much more than nod, silent and tentative. Jungkook wants to go back in time just so he can punch himself in his own stupid fucking face.
"You...you know I didn't mean any of that, right?" he asks, trying to make his voice convey as much sincerity as he feels, so Namjoon can hear it and understand even if he isn't as emotionally sensitive as he is in big space. Because Jungkook didn't mean it, of course he didn't - he didn't mean any bad word he said to any of the members, he loves them all more than he could possibly convey. Especially Namjoon. But Namjoon doesn't respond.

"Right, Joonie?" Jungkook urges, pulling back a little so he can look Namjoon in the face. His gaze is trained in his lap, shoulders hunched, and Jungkook realises with a jolt of horror than Namjoon doesn't know. He thinks that Jungkook really meant it, that Jungkook hates him, and Jungkook desperately shakes his head, cupping Namjoon's cheek like he's made out of the frailest paper and trying to get him to lift his gaze. Namjoon doesn't budge.
"Joonie. Kookie didn't mean any of the mean things I said. None of them at all."
There are several seconds of silence, tainted only by the quiet video game pause screen music playing from the television and the sound of phone keyboards tapping as Hoseok and Jimin do their best to look like they aren't listening, but they're both tense in a very particular way that shows they're ready to jump in if Jungkook makes any wrong move. Taehyung isn't putting in any such effort, and seems to hold the same fear that Jungkook does. It only makes him more anxious, but he's glad that he has a backup to soothe Namjoon if he does fuck up. But it seems he already has, because Namjoon finally lifts his gaze from the ground to look at Jungkook's face with wide, innocent eyes brimming with tears.
'Then why did you say them?' is asked silently in his gaze, even though Jungkook knows the words are too accusatory and Namjoon can't be cruel like that even when he's been hurt and should be furious. But Jungkook is more than willing to bear the fury for him, to berate himself when Namjoon is unwilling to do so.

Jungkook stammers for a second, lost for an answer to his own question, hands clenching and unclenching as he resists the urge to pull Namjoon closer just in case he doesn't have the right to. Instead, he gently pulls the soft blanket up from where it's fallen from Namjoon's shoulder to cover him again, tucking him up so he's comfy and warm, but Namjoon takes his own initiative and falls against Jungkook's chest into the room that his arm left, snuggling into the crook of his neck and shoulder. Jungkook's breathing grows tight, and he wraps his arms slowly and carefully around Namjoon like he's a kitten likely to startle. The tapping of keyboards is gone, both Hoseok and Jimin have joined Taehyung in just silently watching now, and Jungkook lets go of his anxiety. All he needs right now is to be honest - not to be a 'daddy' or anything like that, but to be a big brother or something similar. A soothing presence without so much stress and so many obligations.
"Kookie's really...really sorry that he said those mean things. Kookie was upset, and he shouldn't have taken it out on Joonie, because that's not fair. He only said bad things because he was angry. Do you understand, Joonie? Kookie loves you, so...so much. He could never hate you, or any part of you. He loves taking care of you, and he loves you being little. Kookie loves Joonie."

Jungkook bites his lip as Namjoon loops his arms around his neck, snuggling his cheek against his shoulder as if trying to soothe him, as if Jungkook is the one in this situation who deserves to be soothed. Jungkook pets his hair, leaning a little closer to smell his sweet shampoo and tries to let it wash away his anxieties and insecurities.
"I love you," he breathes, and it carries far more weight even if Namjoon doesn't fully understand right now. As long as he knows then it doesn't matter, as long as he knows that Jungkook's love for him goes far beyond just loving him as a caregiver, that Jungkook's love for him is boundless and all-consuming. Jungkook will tell him as many times as it takes, even if it still makes his heart pound like he's confessing his crimes to his teacher. But he feels Namjoon's lips curl up into a smile against the exposed skin beside his collar, feels the way his arms tighten just a little to cuddle Jungkook closer.
"Love Kookie, too," he mumbles, voice sleepy and content and soft, and Jungkook finally lets go of the darkness in his mind in order to grin like an idiot despite the wetness in the corners of his eyes, leaning down properly and bundling Namjoon closer so he can scatter kisses over his soft fluffy hair and bask in the sound of him giggling again. They stay like that for a couple of minutes, while Hoseok, Jimin, and Taehyung watch and smile, until the door clicks open again.