The Damsel & The Damn Distress

Of Affirmations and Beginnings (Prologue I)

The dark canopy above her seemed seamless. The tiny shimmering entities, that embellished it, winked at her. She smiled. The invigorating smell of coffee filling her nostrils took over her senses bringing her back to her present day indulgence. She took another sip.

It was 2 am. She was wide awake. Sleep was nowhere near her 'should be drooping by now' eyes. So she just made herself some of her survival juice, walked out of her lifeless room down to the lawn and nestled down on a bench as deserted as the other benches on that calm and quiescent night. So there she was under the dark ceaseless firmament, with her uplifting mug of dark brown liquid in her hand, all by herself - serene and stoical.

She took her last sip, kept down the mug and wondered how to spend those undisturbed hours till daylight breaks in. The bench wasn't that intriguing anymore. She didn't want to be seated on that grim surface for any longer. But then she didn't want to go inside either. Then the luxuriant bed of lush life below looked up at her invitingly. She instantly removed her comfortable pair of moccasins. The turf beneath tickled her uncladed feet. She smiled again. She lay down there placing her right hand below her head, making a pillow out of it. She thought to herself how she always used to dream of this little 'me time' under the silvery streak of light, lying on the tickly greeny bed all by herself with no worries of the real world- just she and her fantasized peaceful time. But alas!! She finally got it all, except for her most awaited peace.
Memories kept haunting her all the time. Random thoughts about her 'could haves' , 'should haves' and 'would bes' crossed her mind every millisecond. Her body laid composed. But actions and words in her mind couldn't be put to a halt. Uncountable thoughts raced up and down in her mind at an abnormal pace. Her brain was restless. She sighed.

Her mind raced back to the days when she and her special friend had sat down on a similar bench, at a small park and had talked about lying down under the unending blanket of dazzling little things, some day, and plan about the future - together. That some day came. And there she was, lying down, all alone, with the unending blanket all to herself.

She remembered how her best friends, for whom she could die for, had put all the blame on her for something she had never done, just to save themselves. She still remembered how even her own mother had believed the fact that she could do something as humiliating as that. How her own family had lived with that belief for nearly two months. But she hadn't uttered a single word in her defense. She was too shattered by the betrayal of her friends to speak up. She was in denial; until one day those so-called friends called her up and tried to give an explanation for their shrewd act. And how she made her mother listen to each and every word they said. And how that had made her mother cry and hug her, making her regret the fact that she didn't trust her own child.

She spanked herself mentally. 'Why couldn't she stand up for herself at the first place? Why did the betrayal mean so much more than her own self respect?' She knew anyone else in her place would have simply stood her ground no matter whoever it was that had let her down. They were just her friends. Then why was it such a big deal for her?

The day she saw those 'not at all' guilty eyes of that special friend, even after cheating on her, she could have slapped the person right across the face. Anyone would have done that. But she couldn't. She couldn't move. She had gone numb. She could barely stand.
Then again she was not just anyone. She was herself - the self that just keeps the people she loves prior to herself - the self, that loves selflessly - the self that is brutally honest with the people she loves - the self that can go beyond measures to make sure her beloved ones are out of all remorse- the self, that knows only sincere love.
And so she expected sincerity from others as well. She never knew she had to learn the hard way that everyone cannot be trusted. Everyone cannot be her.

But looking on the positive side  she was out of her la-la land of 'all good n glittery', and had entered the real world where all kinds of people existed. But she had learnt by then whom to open the doors to and whom to shut out forever. She had learnt where to draw the line and how to balance each relationship. Maybe a few things had turned for the worse, for a phase of her life. But those worse things had led her to become the stronger mature person she was now ; which was utterly required.