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// here, this music video and music is art you're welcome



Vernon was having troubles controlling himself. It was hard to be in love with sassy Seungkwan, with a close friend. He wanted to cherish Seungkwan and be his boyfriend. Say I love you out loud. 

But it wasn't possible. Seungkwan wouldn't never love Vernon back, right? After all they are friends. 

So Vernon had an idea. 

Not so good one though.

He could use Seungkwan, his body, to comfort him with his feelings. It sounded good excuse that they are just playing and Seungkwan would believe it was all because Vernon was bored or something. 

Vernon was a coward, not brave enough to tell about his feelings to Seungkwan. 

So they had sex. 

Vernon was satisfied. Seungkwan went along playing their little game and Vernon got to know Seungkwan more; his weak spots, his body with beatiful gestures, his sound while moaning Vernon's name and all of his movements. 

At first it seemed to be enough. Vernon was having good time even if Seungkwan resisted sometimes and the red and purple marks in Seungkwan's body felt like he owned Seungkwan. 

That wasn't it. He only owned the game they were playing. 

After the night in the restaurant Vernon's heart started to ache again and he missed Seungkwan more. 

One day he was cleaning something in the kitchen, when Seungcheol came to him, arms crossed and serious expression on his face. "Vernon, we need to talk right now."

Vernon looked at Seungcheol confused and worried. Did Vernon leave his underwear somewhere again?

"You and Seungkwan; what is going on?" 

Vernon moved his gaze to the floor, not knowing what to answer. "Nothing. Just friends", he shrugged and continued cleaning hoping Seungcheol wouldn't make anymore questions. 

"Don't try to lie to me. I know something is up and I have to say that it has to stop. Seungkwan and you are never going to-"

"What are you even saying? Go to hell, you don't know anything!" Vernon raised his voice, turning angry like a teenager. But Seungcheol didn't back off.

"I'm your leader. You have to listen what I say and I say that you must stop doing those things with Seungkwan", Vernon didn't like what he heard at all.

"No! I love him! You have no rights to say who I can't love!" Vernon took steps closer. "I mean, you seem to like Jeonghan very much, don't you?" he strikes.

Seungcheol gulps, Vernon is right. 

"But we can't date other members or anyone else! Don't you understand?" Vernon shook his head. He doesn't believe Seungcheol.

"Go away!" he turns to leave and rushes through the hall, Seungcheol following with shouts. 

"Vernon I said this thousand times!" 

"Yeah yeah, always the same thing! I don't care what you say! Why can't you just confess to Jeon-"

"Stop it right now! You know we are not allowed to date other members!"

"And I'm not dating! C'moon, I can have little fun, can I?" Vernon faces Seungcheol finally, really pissed. 

"Vernon you act like a child! Tell him that this is going to stop!" 

That's when Vernon hears a sassy voice from Seungkwan. "Tell what is going to stop and to who?" he notices performance team members looking and hopes that they didn't hear much. 

Seungcheol starts asking nervously about how much Seungkwan heard, but Vernon needs a relief. He takes Seungkwan and that is how they ended up banging in an empty room, again. This time though Vernon wanted to take some of his anger away and used little force just in accident.

He hopes that he didn't hurt Seungkwan. 

He felt guilty.

He felt sad and empty.

So he didn't want to go to the practice and staying in bed. All the thoughts came to his mind. He felt sorry for Seungcheol, who didn't do anything wrong. All he did was protect. He felt bad for other members too, they are probably worried and confused. 

And he felt bad for Seungkwan for using him. He really wanted to tell Seungkwan about how much he cares for him, but he isn't brave like that. Seungkwan takes full control of his mind and he remembers those moments with the older. Before and after debut, he always admired Seungkwan. Always when possible to check him out and be with him, to touch and laugh with him. 

Before he even knew, he has fallen.

He didn't want to mess things up. He couldn't throw all those years away he has been a trainee. And he pretended not to love Seungkwan. He told himself that it wasn't worth it. 

Now he is lost. Someday, Seungkwan will end their game saying that it's enough. That they are just friends. 

He hates this feeling. 

He hates to be in love.

"Seungkwan.."

---

I feel numb. Vernon loves me? All those things Seungcheol just explained filled my head with answers but I don't know if they are good or no. I turn my head to Jeonghan, who looks like about to cry. Seungcheol looks sorry for him. He has just told about his feeling for Jeonghan too.

"Jeonghan, I meant to tell you someday but I-"

"No, don't. Don't say anything", Jeonghan says quick and runs away from the practice room. Seungcheol faces the ground squeezing his hands into fists. I take a step closer to him.

"I'm sorry, hyung", my voice is silent. Why did I say sorry? I haven't done anything? 

Oh wait. I have. 

Seungcheol looks at me. "I'm sorry too.. I just.. It's just hard..", he says almost crying. I tap his shoulder lean against him into a hug. 

"Yeah, it is."

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