Bipolar much?

Live in the moment.

  As much as you try to hide your pathetic life, the nightmares will always remind you of what you were and are - Steffany

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  You're hopeless.
  You're just a fucked up bitch.
  It's your fault he left.
  It's your fault she left.
  You're just good at fucking up everybody's
  life.
  You will die single, I'll make sure of that.
  You deserve much worse.
  You're weak.
  You are a mistake to this world.

I woke up to these words ringing in my head, sweating profusely. I had forgotten to take the damn sleeping pills. I tugged hard at my hair, the hairband tearing off easily, leaving me with a pounding headache.

I reached over the bedside table and grabbed my phone. I groaned quietly as I realized that it was only four in the morning. I dragged myself to my wardrobe and quickly rummaged it for my fluffy navy blue towel. I crossed my bedroom and entered the attached bathroom.

A few minutes later, I let out a sigh as I caught sight of the state of my bed. The comforter was thrown to the ground and my sheets were jumbled together, the bedsheet had torn in some places where I had scraped my nails against it my sleep. I stripped my sheets off and made up my bed.

I decided that going to sleep now was pointless as it was nearly dawn so I grabbed my earphones and phone and made my way out of the house silently. I scrolled through my playlist absentmindedly, strolling down the street.

I knew I probably looked like a zombie lurking in the streets but thankfully not many people were awake at this ungodly hour. After going through my daily jog, I decided to halt for some time at the park.

I made my way to one of the swings and swung back and forth gazing up at the sky as Perfect by Ed Sheeran blasted at full volume in my ears. The park slowly started to fill up and that's when I noticed that I had spent nearly two and a half hours there.

I waited for another fifteen minutes, hoping to avoid my Mom's questions as to why I was looking like someone who had reawakened from among the dead. And sure enough when I reached home Mum was already gone while my brothers were soundly asleep in their rooms.

Mum works at this cafe around the edge of the tiny forest-like clearing which was a two hour walk from my house. The cafe was a pretty cozy, bustling place and my mother loved working there. Jordan requested on getting a job for himself but Mom flat out refused seeing as he is going to be going back to his college in about a month instead she put him on babysitting duty of Joe and I. I wanted to work too but Mom wouldn't let me because she's afraid that...never mind.

I crept into the house and made myself a refreshing coffee. I didn't have an appetite today either just as I never have whenever I have had a nightmare. That's part of the reason Mom doesn't complain much that I finish all the food from the fridge and she has to go to buy groceries more than thrice a week.

Me, having nightmares was nothing new but I had been improving these past few months and just the mention of their names crushed all of my resolve and I found myself starting from scratch. But Mum would send me to the therapist again if she knew that my nightmares were starting again. It's not that the shrink was bad at her job, in fact she was extremely good at it which was my problem. It's always hard to remind myself of everything that had happened when I had been trying so hard to forget for the past few years and relate everything to her especially when I had to keep some things secret.

I had perfected the act of having a mask and not letting anyone see my innermost feelings so much that I even tricked the shrink and she never found out that I was hiding something vital.