(PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER! alright this might be a little long but stay with me. this chapter, and many other chapters, will focus on eating disorders. i'm putting a warning now because this is where it all really starts and i know that some people are very sensitive to such subjects, so i would suggest not reading this if you can't handle it. not only is there eating disorders but a lot of touchy stuff will be mentioned throughout the whole entire fanfiction, one-hundred percent based off of !my! personal experiences, so i just felt like letting you guys know,, if it's too much for you i don't want to make anyone upset lol. i've read many fanfictions and i feel as if a lot are similar, so i'm trying to throw my own twist into it by adding real life, horrible, situations that many people have to go through, including myself, to make it not only more realistic but interesting, in some way?? i'm not in any way promoting mental illnesses! but it's also good to make people more aware of these types of things. side note before this huge thing is over, if you're struggling with anything please feel free to dm me because i'm always here to help anyone, or just listen to whatever is going on, i've gone through a lot myself and even if i don't understand mentally what any of you are going through i'll try my hardest! djljjf sorry for this long thing, enjoy!)
billie
family dinners.
the one thing i hated the most is family dinners. one or two nights out of the month or even the year sometimes, my mom decides to pull a family dinner. there's no getting out of it, we all just obey and sit at the table, eat, discuss the grilled chicken my mom had prepared for that night, or how our days were at school, or maybe even "wow, the weather was very crappy today.", you name any form of small talk there is and that's a summary of our conversations at family dinners.
my issue wasn't the horrible forced awkward discussion my family had at the table, but it was the food itself. the food on the plate, the plate that was on the table, the table that had my whole entire family sitting around it, them looking at me waiting for me to just take a bite like the rest of them. i'll stare down at the food with tears swelling my eyes, the food screaming at me to eat because my stomach felt empty and i hadn't ate in four whole days. the voices in my head telling me that if ate even a bite everyone would think i'm fat. i will gain all of the weight back if i fall into my old habits of eating too much. one bite at the dinner table leads to eating whats on the entire plate, and maybe even having my midnight snack be a whole bag of potato chips, leaving me full and very sick, with horrid stomach pains. i wouldn't go back to that, i'd rather starve.
my stomach growled as my family around me talked, but it's like i couldn't hear them anymore; i was only focused on this plate of food and they were completely drowned out.
that was until i was panicking silently at the end of the end of the dinner table when my brother snapped me out of it, realizing i wasn't okay.
"you haven't touched your food, are you alright?"
"i just feel a bit sick, i'm fine." i managed to choke out as i held back the tears. i glanced back down at the food.
"eat." is all my brother whispered back before continuing back on in the family conversation.
somehow, i listened. i didn't have anything to stop me, no pictures of beautiful actual skinny girls who i wish i looked like, no meanspo, no sweetspo, not one single thing to make me stop. cutting up my food into little pieces didn't do me justice, i ate it all very quickly and pig like. leaving me emotionally drained afterwards.
after eating i always wonder why i had done it. why couldn't i have gone just one more meal skipped? i've skipped every meal for the past four days, why pig out now? if only i could've skipped one more meal maybe i wouldn't be in my room reaching for the box under bed with tears streaming down my face as my migraine and stomachache increasingly get worse.
i open the box and wipe my teary eyes so my vision gets clearer, choosing which bottle of laxatives i had wanted to use tonight. i had never been one for making myself throw up and after hours and hours of nightly research on what i could do to make myself feel empty again, i came across laxatives. i've been using them ever since i found out about it.
i'd like to blame my eating tonight on my mom forcing us to eat at the table together, instead of how i regularly get to skip dinner when everyone chooses to eat in their room or in the living room, but i know that i only ate tonight because i'm fat. i promised myself to never give in like that again, that i will do better tomorrow when i start another fast, before throwing my hair up into a ponytail and getting on my workout clothes.
working out excessively is necessary. which i guess thats why i find myself going to sleep at four am with sore muscles and no will to live anymore, only to wake up at five am to go on a run before school.
when i was new to this and i got back from my early morning runs i would feel refreshed and proud of myself, now i feel weak and disgusted with myself, but i've yet to stop after seven months. i can never let myself get too big again.
for breakfast i drink hot chocolate in which is ninety calories, making me quite full, but not full enough.
getting ready for school has always been a struggle. not enough makeup in the world will distract anyone from the fact that i'm tired, and weak, and on the verge of dying, i'm sure everyone knew, i just can't stop. i put on makeup, brush my hair, throw on baggy clothes and am out the door to school, the place i hate the most.
the one thing i have learned to enjoy about school is my first period history class. the first day i walked in late because i had an extra long run that day and didn't have enough time to get ready, and i knew right when i looked at this one girl that i was determined to become friends with her.
she was a beautiful girl and when i looked at her all i wanted to do was be her. being friends with her would force me to go harder, to lose enough weight to where i could possibly even be smaller than her. i don't mean to say that i'm using her because she's skinny, but seeing someone so tiny and gorgeous in real life pushed me harder than any picture i could find on tumblr. if anything i needed to be friends with this girl. seeing that it's the third day of school and we've only talked about three times because we were paired up for class, i took into my own hands to do something about this burning desire to become dylans friend.
she took her seat seconds after i and i smiled, something i don't do very often, watching how her thighs still looked thin after she had sat down in her seat.
"come to the library in lunch today, i want to get to know you better."
she shyly responds, "okay."
i knew this was the beginning of a new me.
