dylan [ one month fast forward ]
"don't be so hard on yourself dylan, you're beautiful."
it's funny how many times people tell me that thinking that i'll believe it. it's like they do it to make me feel better because it's obvious i hate myself and they just feel as if they have to be nice because they're my friend, or a family member. maybe another reason i hate myself is because i can't accept a compliment for shit.
"you are too billie." i smile from across the table at her. we were sat in the library at lunch, the place we've been meeting at everyday for a month now.
although billie was most definitely the most beautiful girl i had ever seen when i first met her, recently she just hasn't looked the same. she looked like a ghost.
she wasn't just thin and it wasn't natural, she was scarily thin. her clothes were always loose and she often wore sweatpants and hoodies that were two times to big for her, and at first i admired that her style was so different but now i just believe that she's hiding herself from the world. whether she's embarrassed of how bad she's let herself get or she feels as if she's not thin enough, she is hiding herself.
you can't see her body through the baggy clothes but you can tell this girl was starving herself by her sunken in face, cheekbones, and the skinniness of her pale hands. thinking about the fact that she could be close to needing hospitalization or that her organs could fail made me shiver.
billie is the closest friend i've had in years and we've only known each other for a month. i've been trying to think of something i could say to bring up how sick she looks but i'm terrified of hurting her feelings, if i'd even do that, i mean i'm only stating the obvious and i'm sure everyone else is just too afraid to say anything. if anything one of her family members is already trying to get her help, i wouldn't know because we mainly only talk about our interests and the boring stuff we have in common.
neither of us have missed a day of school yet and i like to believe the only reason i've came this far is because i look forward to our conversations during lunch and that only. the rest is boring.
i do think i'm billies only friend, as she's my only friend, i just can't figure out why she'd choose me out of everyone in this school to be nice to. not that she's mean, but she just doesn't take interest in much. she's hated by most at this school and as much as i would want to stick up for her i wouldn't blame them because she often comes off as rude, even though she's the sweetest person i know.
there was barely anybody in the library besides us, there rarely is, and i like it that way.
our library is like any other. of course there's thousands of books stacked on bookshelves and then theres the old woman librarian who only someone like me would find quite cool. she's very calm and collected and i envy her for that, i like her even more when she wears her pretty cat sweaters. there's also desks for students to sit in and another part is sectioned off strictly for computers.
i find myself wanting to roll my eyes as billie blabbers about the caramel colored boy sat at a table three spots away from ours. we never talk about stuff like that, like 'crushes' or who we find attractive in this school, and now that she is talking about it all i want is for it to stop. i don't understand why, but i do.
he'd been eyeing her ever since he entered the library ten minutes after us and sooner or later billie started staring too. before she brought him up she would just stare, seeming less interested in what we were talking about, which made my stomach churn. now that she has mentioned him the weird feeling in my stomach was increasingly getting worse.
"i really like curly hair." she sighs wearingly and eyes the curly haired boy as he stands up from his seat. "do you think he'd find someone like me cute?"
i stare at her, forcing a smile even though i wanted to cry. i cant figure out why i was getting so upset over this but i hated it, why can't i just be there for my friend?
before i can get anything out billie starts back up again. "god, i sound like such a child. i usually try to put on a hard front but i don't even know that boy and he's made me all soft, i kind of like it."
"maybe you should talk to him," i swallow roughly trying to think of something to say. "the periods almost over so we don't have much time, and it's obvious he wants to talk to you too. he will find you very cute, of course. everyone does."
she smiles and looks down at her feet. i've never seen her like this before, she's usually very goofy. "are you sure? i'm nervous."
i nodded my head assuring that i'm very sure. on the inside i felt like a mess, but her smile was so contagious i continued to smile with her.
"thank you for being so helpful. it's alright if i leave you here for a sec, right?"
"yes of-" before i could finish my sentence she was waving goodbye to me and heading over to the bookshelf where the boy was stood at. i finished my sentence, whispering, "course." and watched them from afar.
the boy smiled at her and said what i think was "hi!", them continuing to hit it off right off the bat.
i couldn't really watch any longer, for i felt as if my heart was breaking, literally and physically, so i gathered my things and was on my way out of the library to clear my mind from all of this nonsense. billie is my friend, and that only.
before i could leave, the librarian mrs. linda stopped me. "why're you leaving so soon?"
"i have to be in art early to finish my painting." i lied, smiling at the elderly lady. "have a good rest of your day, mrs. linda, and make sure to wear your cat sweater tomorrow."
"as long as you wear your taco cat shirt." she winks at me, and i smile in return, the smile disappearing once i was finally out of the library.
once out in the hallway i pulled out my phone and typed, "could you please come get me? i'm having a bad day." as well as i could to my mom. i sat down on a nearby bench and sighed, trying my best to not cry.
i don't know why i was acting like this all of a sudden and i was beginning to hate myself for it. i should be happy for billie, nothing less, but this sudden burst of sadness took over my body as soon as she started talking about the pretty boy in the room and i don't know how to make it go away. the only thing on my mind was the bottle of vodka under my bed at home.
my lap buzzed and i turned over my phone to see that my mom replied, "i can't. i told you we aren't doing this anymore.", and that's when i finally let a tear slip down my cheek, quickly wiping it away when the bell rung, signaling me to go to art class.
billie came out of the library, looking happy as ever. she really is beautiful.
( wow ok i'm alive ?? im sorry i havent updated in so long :(( i have a lot going on and i didnt expect this story to do as well as its doing but im BACK and im in the mood to write so ill probably start writing the next chapter. side note the chapters wont always be t h i s sad i realize a lot of them have been on the sad side but i just want to show that shes slowly developing feelings for her and also want u to get to know the characters more. the chapters will be cute too !!! not to mention dylan has depression, i realize this all sounds a bit over dramatic but i'm writing it out from my perspective on how i'd feel if this were to happen to me ig?? oh well. comment ! )
