billie
"how has this past week been for you?" melanie smiled on the outside but i knew she was worried for me because quite frankly everyone was, no one said anything but i could tell in their eyes that they felt bad for me.
i was dying right in front of her and she knew yet i still felt as if it was appropriate to lie. it wasn't. "good." i gulped, swallowing the last bit of hope i had in myself.
"are you sure? i'm here for a reason. everything you say in this room stays in this room. this is your safe place and i don't want you feeling scared to say certain things."
my heart was racing and my stomach was turning in circles. i could never. if i said even a word about the things that go on my head i'd end up in a hospital again. "you say this every time, melanie."
"yes because it's true and i want you to remember this." the tone in her voice was steadily starting to shake and she looked as if she was on the verge of tears. as cruel as it sounded i didn't want to listen to this anymore, i'll be fine, i always am, and i'm tired of everyone treating me like i'm a charity case.
"i'm fine."
"sweetie, i've been meeting with you since last year, i may not literally know what's going on with you but i don't think you have to tell me, i get it, and i think it's best if you-"
"you don't get shit." i interrupted almost immediately. she looked shocked and i felt disgustingly rude but my blood was boiling and my left leg wouldn't stop shaking. maybe this anger was coming from the fact that i'm starving, running off of coffee i chugged saturday night, my stomach empty and my eyes blurred, or the fact that i was still holding onto something that happened last weekend with a boy that i thought the world of, or both of these things combined. either way i had no control over what i was saying right now.
"i understand more than you would think, billie, i'm your therapist for god's sake you're not a stranger to me but i do get where you're coming from."
i didn't say anything. i had to hold myself back from getting up and walking out of the door and it was getting harder as seconds passed.
"i shouldn't be the one talking to you about this, in fact i have referred you to someone else to try and get you help, but i need you to know that this is coming from the bottom of my heart because i care for your well being and want you to be healthy, just as much as the rest of your family does. they, or we, love yo-"
"you what?" i raise my voice and quickly stand up out of the chair.
"there's no reason to be mad, it's what's best for you-"
"we have to cut this session early. i'm sorry." with that i turned on my heel towards the door drowning out the sound of her voice calling my name, a tear slipped down my cheek as i left slowly. my legs felt weak.
"billie! how'd it go-" dylan stands up from the chair in the waiting room stopping mid sentence, soon furrowing her eyebrows together watching me stand in the doorway with tear stained cheeks and shaky hands. "woah, are you okay?"
"i don't want to talk." a frown appears on her beautiful features as the words barely spill out of my mouth. "please just walk me home."
"okay." she says quietly and walks by my side out of the waiting room.
people were staring. i could understand why. i'm ugly. they could tell through my clothes that i have miles and miles of flabby skin. i needed to starve more. what happened with alex wouldn't have happened if i just worked harder. he'd like me and i wouldn't be in this position of self hatred if i had more self control and exercised harder. i will be skinny if i try.
stepping outside was refreshing, although it was freezing and all i wanted right now was to be at home exercising, followed by a nap. it sounded perfect. instead i was walking with aching legs and horrible stomach pains. the only good thing about today was the amount of calories i was burning by walking to my therapists office and walking home.
that's when everything stopped, though. my legs went numb but i could still feel the stabbing sensation in my gut. i was on the ground and my eyes were blurred to the max but i could still see dylan above me, leaned over my body with teary eyes.
"billie?" cried dylan. after that everything stopped, for real this time. no ringing noise, no pain, no dylan. i just saw black.
i'm so sorry for not updating sooner :( currently dealing with the yumminess of my own depression and eating disorder. hence my sarcasm, this shit sucks. i finally felt the need to write though. thank u guys for all of the sweet msgs! it always cheers me up. i'll try to get a new chap up soon. tell me ur thots ? H if ur reading this i love u
