How to Make a Sandwich FOR MORONS

Applying the Peanut Butter

Well done! You may find that your friends would be proud to know that you actually completed a task that requires such expertise (if you do have any friends). Just you wait. After the hard work is finished, your friends will be overjoyed! Perhaps they might even smile! So in order to proceed in producing this lunch, you'll proceed by applying the peanut butter. This savory, thick condiment gives the sandwich richness, consistency, and in some cases, crunch. Apply this thick cream like so:

1. Locate the cylindroid figure on the table containing light brown material inside, or the peanut-butter jar. With one hand grab the main body of the peanut-butter jar around its side.

2. On top of the peanut-butter jar, locate the top plate or piece that lips around the outside of the edge on the top of the jar. This is called the lid.

3. Twist the lid about its vertical axis with the other hand clockwise. If it is difficult to twist the lid clockwise, twist the lid in the opposite direction. When the lid becomes loose and/or free of the rest of the jar, set the lid on the table in front of the smooth, flattened plate previously mentioned.

4. Keeping your hand on the main body of the peanut-butter jar, locate the long, thin, silver or white tool with an end flattened approximately halfway down the length of the tool. This is called a knife. Grab the less flattened end of the knife with your remaining hand in a fist so that the flattened end extends out of your fist where your thumb is.

5. Insert the flattened end of the knife into the viscous, creamy, light brown matter, or the peanut-butter, and tilt the knife slightly in a direction so that the flattened end tilts upward.

6. Raise the knife out of the jar. Then quickly maneuver the knife directly over one of the bread slices and move your other hand to hold a bread slice in place by its crust. Flip the knife over so that most of the peanut-butter face the top face of the bread slice held by your other hand, and carefully and slowly reciprocate the knife across the entire top face of the bread slice without letting peanut-butter flow off the edge of the top face of the bread slice.

7. Even out the peanut-butter on the bread slice into a layer equally thick on every spot of the top face of the bread slice by holding the flattened end of the knife parallel to the top face of the bread slice and manipulating it contacting the top face of the bread slice to spread the peanut-butter across the top face of the bread slice. The harder the knife is pushed downward on the bread, the more peanut-butter will be transported with the spreading motion of the knife.

8. Replace your hand to hold the main body of the peanut-butter jar with the same hand you did so last time and repeat steps 5-7 until the layer of peanut-butter on the top face of the bread slice is thick enough that you cannot see the tan matter underneath. If more peanut-butter than necessary to cover the tan matter in the previous fashion mentioned is applied, slide the knife on the top face of the bread slice in the previous fashion to remove the excess peanut-butter from the bread.

9. Once the peanut-butter has been applied to the top face of the bread slice, release your hand from the bread slice, and locate the white rectangular prismoid (stack of napkins) on the table. Pinch the top face of the stack of napkins with a few fingers from your remaining hand, and lift the spot at which you pinch until you see a single edge on the side of the piece you lift (a single "napkin"), besides all the other edges of the napkin that are not integrated, but rather are several edges in one.

10. Manipulate the napkin so that it lays flat contacting your hand face to face. Place the flattened end of the knife that your other hand is holding so that the flattened end of the knife lays face to face contacting the napkin, laying horizontally perpendicular to your fingers.

11. Enclose the knife in the napkin by clenching your napkin hand tightly, folding the napkin over the knife. Slide the knife back and forth through your hand in the napkin to rub off the excess peanut-butter.

12. Once all the peanut-butter has been rubbed of the knife, return the knife to its original position on the table. Keeping the napkin that you used folded over, place it on the table behind the smooth, flattened plate.

13. Place your hand to hold the main body of the peanut-butter jar in the previous fashion. Then with your other hand pick up the lid and hold it in its original orientation. Press the lid onto the top of the peanut-butter jar so that the lid lips around the edge of the top of the peanut-butter jar. Then rotate the lid around its vertical axis in the opposite direction but using the same movements as before. If the lid does not depress around the outside of the top edge of the peanut-butter jar, or if the lid begins to tilt awkwardly, undo the rotation, rotate the lid 90 degrees clockwise, and try again to rotate the lid like before so that it depresses over the outside edge of the peanut-butter jar. When it becomes difficult to rotate the lid over the outside edge of the peanut-butter jar, stop rotating, and release both of your hands from the peanut-butter jar.