How to Make a Sandwich FOR MORONS

Applying the Jelly

Some things go together so well, they are nearly impossible to have separately, like beat and rhythm, parties and pizza, and feminism and masculism. In our case, peanut butter and jelly is the inseparable couple in this culinary marriage. To complete this engagement, follow closely the following steps to follow:

1. Locate the cylindroid figure on the table containing deep red or purple material inside, or the jelly jar. With one hand grab the main body of the jelly jar around its side.

2. The jelly jar also has a lid. Twist the lid about its vertical axis with the other hand clockwise. If it is difficult to twist the lid clockwise, twist the lid in the opposite direction. When the lid becomes loose and/or free of the rest of the jar, set the lid on the table in front of the smooth, flattened plate.

3. Keeping your hand on the main body of the jelly jar, grab the less flattened end of the knife with your remaining hand in a fist so that the flattened end extends out of your fist where your thumb is. See where this is going?

4. Next, insert the flattened end of the knife into the viscous, chunky, dark red or purple matter, or the jelly, and tilt the knife slightly in a direction so that the flattened end tilts upward.

5. Raise the knife out of the jar. Then quickly maneuver the knife directly over the clean bread slice and move your other hand to hold that bread slice in place by its crust. Flip the knife over so that most the jelly faces the top face of the bread slice held by your other hand, and carefully and slowly reciprocate the knife moving the knife across the top face of the bread slice without jelly flowing of the edge of the top face of the bread slice to lay the jelly onto the bread slice.

6. Even out the jelly on the bread slice into a layer equally thick on every spot of the top face of the bread slice by holding the flattened end of the knife parallel to the top face of the bread slice and manipulating it contacting the top face of the bread slice to spread the jelly across the top face of the bread slice. The harder the knife is pushed downward on the bread, the more jelly will be transported with the spreading motion of the knife.

7. Replace your hand to hold the main body of the jelly jar with the same hand you did so last time and repeat steps 4-6 until the layer of jelly on the top face of the bread slice is thick enough that you cannot see the tan matter underneath. If more jelly than necessary to cover the tan matter in the previous fashion mentioned is applied, slide the knife on the top face of the bread slice in the previous fashion to remove the excess jelly from the bread.

8. Once the jelly has been applied to the top face of the bread slice, release your hand from the bread slice, pinch the top face of the stack of napkins with a few fingers from your remaining hand, and lift the spot at which you pinch until you see a single edge on the side of the individual napkin, besides all the other edges of the napkin that are not integrated, but rather are several edges in one.

9. Manipulate the napkin so that it lays flat contacting your hand face to face. Place the flattened end of the knife that your other hand is holding so that the flattened end of the knife lays face to face contacting the napkin, perpendicular to your fingers.

10. Enclose the knife in the napkin by clenching your hand tightly, folding the napkin over the knife. Slide the knife back and forth through your hand in the napkin to rub off the excess jelly.

11. Once all the jelly has been rubbed of the knife, return the knife to its original position on the table. Keeping the napkin that you used folded over, place it on the table behind the smooth, flattened plate.

12. Place your hand to hold the main body of the jelly jar in the previous fashion. Then with your other hand pick up the lid and hold it in its original orientation. Press the lid onto the top of the jelly jar so that the lid lips around the edge of the top of the jelly jar. Then rotate the lid around its vertical axis in the opposite direction but using the same movements as before. If the lid does not depress around the outside of the top edge of the jelly jar, or if the lid begins to tilt awkwardly, undo the rotation, rotate the lid 90 degrees clockwise, and try again to rotate the lid like before so that it depresses over the outside edge of the jelly jar. When it becomes difficult to rotate the lid over the outside edge of the jelly jar, stop rotating, and release both of your hands from the jelly jar.