train stations

v.

Dear W,

I don't think this will surprise you very much. I have a feeling you've known for a very long time, even if you've been afraid to ask.

I think I convinced myself that all this was what I wanted, what I needed—maybe for my family, friends, everyone else—just not me. And I kept ignoring and hiding away this feeling that it wasn't right and that I wasn't honest.

I wish I hadn't.

It wasn't right. It wasn't honest. It wasn't me.

I thought I was helping us both. I wasn't. I was hurting myself, and I was hurting you,too.

I want to say I'm sorry. I've been sorry. For four years of my life, I've been sorry. I tried to be what you wanted me to be, and I tried to feel what you wanted me to feel.

I loved you, but I didn't love you the way I promised in our vows and against our pillow.

I'm sorry for never closing my eyes out of enjoyment, only obligation, when we kissed. I'm sorry for never whispering my heart or my soul, only reciting what I knew I should. I'm sorry for never feeling, only acting and pretending. I thought too much and felt too little.

—Forgotten