Emotions | Book 3 to 'Lil Marais'

TWO

Skylar

I sit on the bathroom floor, with the door locked, i rest my head in my hands and i can't stop the tears. I feel completely heartbroken. Why me? Why does everything happen to me? I can never catch a break, my heart aches at the thought of not ever being able to hold my new baby boy, never being able to watch him grow up or be there to help him get back up after falling over. All these things go through my brain and my heart aches 100x more.

Jonah bangs on the door, "Sky, open up" He begs. I hear him take a few deep breaths, "Please?" He asks in a quiet soft voice

I finally work up the courage to open the door, i throw myself into Jonah's arms and i cry and i can't seem to stop, tears flow down my face and i can't stop them, "My baby is dead inside of me" I sob

He rubs my back, "Sky, i'm so sorry" He tells me. He continues to hug me and let me cry it all out

I pull away, "Where is Zach? I need him" I sob

He looks at the floor, "Sky, no one can find him" He replies sadly

I shake my head in shame, "He hates me" I mumble

I sit on the floor with my knees to my chest, Jonah sits next to me, "He's just upset Sky, he was really looking forward to your new baby boy" He tells me

I shake my head at the memory of the day i found out we lost the baby. I open my eyes and Myta is right in my face, "Did you hear what i said" Myta questions

I shake my head. "Sorry" I reply

He rubs my arm in a comforting way, but its not comforting because i can see that she's just getting more and more sick of me as the day go on, "Jonah's here darling, he's sat in the kitchen waiting for you" She smiles at me, i smile back

I nod my head at her, "Thanks" I mumble. I get up and walk to the kitchen i pass the family photos on the wall, there's a baby scan for each of our 3 kids, my heart hurts at the thought our third didn't make it.

I walk into the kitchen after a few minutes, i sit next to Jonah, "How are you doing?" He asks while placing his hand on mine trying to comfort me

That's all anyone's been doing, trying to comfort me. There is a part of me that just wants to scream and tell everyone to leave, but i can't, because all their trying to do is "Help me" but it's not helping. I feel useless. How can i get back to normal if i'm getting babied, i can't even talk to my kids without Myta taking them away from me.

I shake my head letting him know i'm not doing well, he frowns at me, "Can we go out? I'm going insane staying in this house" I beg

He looks at me unsure, "Are you sure? I mean paparazzi are onto us more than ever" He questions 

I nod my head quickly letting him know i have never been more sure, "I just need to leave, i know she means well but Myta is driving me crazy" I explain. He smirks, "If i have to sit there while she force feeds me cookies again and i'm going to go mental" I tell him looking dead serious

He finally agrees to let me go out after 20 minutes of persuading him. I rush upstairs, i stop in my tracks as i see Wesley coming out of his room, he looks at me and smilies, "Hi mommy" He says in his little baby voice

I go closer to him, I brush his brown hair back a little. He is honestly the most beautiful little boy you could possibly ever see, our other little baby was going to be too. I feel tears burn in my eyes. "Hi baby" I smile at him. I give him a kiss on the cheek, "I love you bubba" I reassure him

His eyes light u. He looks exactly like his dad, I miss Zach so much, it's been longer than a month and i haven't seen him. Is he done with me? I don't know.

I walk into my bedroom not even looking at the baby's door, i've been avoiding it since it happened honestly. I can't bring myself to go in there. I go into my closet and i grab a pair of dark blue denim shorts and Daniels grey oxford university jumper i stole a few years ago which is oversized on me. I grab my white airforce and i skip them on. After we lost the baby, i exercised a lot to get rid of the weight. It helped me a lot, took my mind off of it. But the public still don't know so i'm still wearing baggy clothes.

*

As i get out of my car, i see Jonah's already Stood at the doors, he drove his car because he has a meeting afterwards. Paparazzi all of a sudden crowd me, the cameras flashing right in my eyes making my eyes water. I feel a rush of panic and anxiety come over me, i should have listened to Jonah.

"Skylar? How are you doing?" A reporter asks

"Skylar?"

"Skylar?"

"Skylar?" They all repeated

I turned around, "Please leave me alone" I sob

But they didn't, they all just stood and took photos and videos of me crying and having a meltdown. I felt somebody take my hand, Jonah guided me into the coffee shop.

He gets me a coffee and we sit down in a corner away from everyone, "Anything from Zach?" He questions

I shake my head, "No" I mumble sadly

He shakes his head annoyed, "What is he doing? I'm going to kill him when i see him" He tells me getting angry. I frown, he takes the hint he's not making me feel any better, " I'm sorry, want anything to eat?" He offers

I shake my head, "I'm not hungry" I deny his offer being quite dry about it

He signs frustrated, "Myta, told me you haven't eaten in two days" He replies

I stand up, "I'm not having this lecture, i can look after myself and you can tell that to Myta too" I shake my head

I walk out of the coffee shop, i get in my car and i drive home. The journey feels much longer than usual. My mind flows somewhere else.

A shock of anger washes over me, "Zach, we're meant to stick together, i've just give birth to our dead baby!" I yell, "How can you do this to me" I yell once again

He keeps his eyes on the road, he does not even look fazed by the fact that he is hurting me, "I need some time to myself" He replies

I look out the window, as the rain falls on the window. Tears pool in my eyes. I think back to the babies gender reveal party, one of best days we've had as a family. I finally work up the courage to ask a question i've been desperate to ask, "Do you hate me?" I question

He stops the car, and parks on the side of the street. He stares at the wheel, "I don't h-hate you" He stutters

"Then look at me!" I scream tears streaming down my face, "Zach" I sob

"I can't! I can't okay?" He screams, "You killed our baby!" He finally lets it out