Emotions | Book 3 to 'Lil Marais'

ONE

Zach

I look at the same wall i've been staring at for the past two months. I feel empty, i feel numb and i most definitely feel useless, i feel so useless. I walked out on my wife, i promised to never hurt her again and what did i do? I fucking hurt her! A voice inside me tells me to get out of bed, but the other tells me to stay in bed. It's like having and angel and devil on my shoulder, i listen to the angel.

"Come on Zach" I tell myself but it's no use, i still feel just as useless as before, because that's what i am. I take a few deep breaths, "You can't do it, try another day" A voice inside my head tells me

I shake my head. I get out of bed a little to quick causing me to be a little dizzy. I hate when that happens, i stand still for a few seconds closing my eyes. I quickly get in the shower letting the hot water touch my body. I think about everything that has happened. I promised i would always protect her, i promised i would always be here for her but i left, i left her. I shake my head trying to calm myself down. I get out and put my sweats on. I head downstairs, i walk towards the kitchen but i stop in my tracks once i see all the smashed glass. My mind takes me back the day after i found out about Toby

"I don't fucking care Brandon!" I screamed through the phone, my heart ached at the thought of my baby boy.

"Dude, i'm on my way calm down" He tells me

I laugh sarcastically, i felt like hanging up on him and blocking him, "I just lost my son and you want me to calm down?" I ask

He goes quiet for a few minutes clearly not knowing what the hell to say, nobody really does though, "Zach i'm so sorry"

I feel so much pain in my chest, this is not how i pictured this third baby going. This baby truly pulled us together as family, "Why me?" I breakdown. Tears escape my eyes, "Why did this happen to me Brand? Is it because i've been a terrible father?" My voice cracks. Obviously.

He doesn't wait to jump in and defend me "Hey! Listen to me, you're a great father" He yells over the phone

I scoff, "Don't lie to me" I scream

I end the call, i drop my phone and i slide down wall. Non stoppable sobs come from me, my heart feels like it's numb, like it's completely broken. I feel useless, i ran away from my own family, the ones i love the most.

I down the rest of my beer and i throw the glass at the wall, wow that felt good. I grab a few plates from the cupboard and i throw them at the wall, each time i let a sob slip out of my mouth. I sit down in the pile of glass, the front door opens and i hear it slam closed. I bring my knees to my chest, "Zach!" Brandon yells

Sobs escape my mouth, i can't seem to stop, I feel a hand on my shoulder, "Zach, come on" He says pulling me up

"She lost him, my baby" I cry

He hugs him and i cry on his shoulder, he doesn't mind. He lets me get it all out.

I look at the smashed mirror, it's broken and that's exactly how i feel. I feel like a smashed mirror. I look around the room, and i finally notice that i really need to pick myself up.

I open the laptop in the living room, i check for flights and i see one to Los Angeles in three hours, i book it. I run upstairs and i grab my phone. I walk out of the house locking it behind me, i sit on the pavement as i call for an uber, my voice shakes as i talk.

While i wait for my uber, i read my moms messages halfway through she calls me. I decide to answer it, "mom" I cry with so much pain in my voice

She gasps, "Zach, oh my god. Are you okay?" She questions worried

"I'm fine" I mumble. I wasn't fine, nothing about this whole situation was fine, i am broken and i don't see myself coming back from this

"I'm so glad to hear your voice" She says softly

A smile appears on my face, "Is Skylar there by any chance?" I ask

"No sweetie, she disappeared somewhere with Jonah" She replies

"Oh" I mumble, "How has she been?" I ask

"She's falling apart, she really needs you Zach" She tells me

"I'm on my way" I reply