91 Days [Chanbaek]

i. distant memories and broad proclamations

a/n: 3.1k words. ignore me if you get the notifications. I am just changing some of the format of the chapters. nothing major.

June 9th 2018.

Everything seemed like a distant memory. That day itself felt far away from Baekhyun's reach though it was only a mere four years ago.

Four years ago, June 9th 2014 was the day Byun Baekhyun gave up his life, his freedom, and his last name to the person he thought who deserved it most, Park Chanyeol.

If you asked him a few months ago, he could exactly pin-point every little detail of that day. From the sweet smells that filled the air of the lilacs that surrounded them as they walked down the aisle to the feeling of the rough fabric from his white suit against his skin. Now, it all seemed foggy and vague in his mind.

He took another last, long drag of his cigarette before smashing the withering away tip on the wall in front of him. Smoking, disgusting right? It was a nasty habit he picked up these past few months. A habit he used to despise among others. A habit in which his husband scrunches up his nose once he smells the remaining smell of old cigarettes on his clothing. He knew it was disgusting. He knew it was off-putting. He knew he didn't even look like the type of person to smoke. Maybe that's exactly why he picked up the nasty little habit. He just knew it made him feel better sometimes.

If you're wondering why the hell is Park Baekhyun is spending his time working in his boring ass office job, taking a long overdue smoking break on the side wall of the gas station next to his work building on his fucking four-year anniversary. A time where he should be spending his time with the one he loves. A time where his day should be filled with nothing but love and compassion. He can't give you the answer to that.

Because Baekhyun himself, can't even say why.

Baekhyun just knows when he goes home at night and lays down in bed he can feel the overwhelming sensation of dread and fears devour him. No matter how much he tosses and turns he cannot shake these feelings away from his body. These feelings that consume him in his most vulnerable moments. This has been going on for many months. Every single night. No amount of soft crying or cuddling from his overbearing giant of a husband can help him.

This caused Baekhyun to want to avoid sleeping. This caused Baekhyun to ask his boss to double his schedule during the week so at least he can stay those many hours where depression will wait to devour him in the comforts of his home, the comforts of his bed in a lit-up office and the sounds of his keyboard clicking to drown out any voices in his head. That will say he's not good enough. He's nothing in this world. That if he died tomorrow, no one would even bat an eyelash at the news. Hey, at least now he was making money, right?

You're probably wondering what could have started this endless wave of dread and regret. Baekhyun lost his job a few months ago. A job he was at for a while and got paid enough to have a semi-comfortable life. He was laid off by his boss and it took him so long to finally find another job like the one he has now. Rejection after rejection. He felt terrible when he leaned over to peck his husband on the cheek in the morning and whisper in his ear that he was heading for work when all he was going to is establishment after establishment for job applications all day long.

Thankfully he had enough saved up in the bank to pay their rent for a few months and any other bills. But that money would only last for a restricted amount of time. The fear of his husband finding out ate away at him day after day. The scenario would always play in his head on how he thinks Chanyeol would react to the news, how angry he would get, how stressed he would become. It didn't help already that even after four years into marriage they lived in a small apartment that contained nothing but a living room, a small kitchen, one bathroom, and a bedroom they shared.