Tom Holland/Peter Parker Imagines

aftermath pt. 4 [p.p.]

Word Count: A short 1.3k+
A/N: I was lowkey drunk when I wrote the last 3/4 of this but hey gimme some credit okay, it's not that bad (right?) ALSO if you want to be tagged for future parts then just send in a message/ask ☺️ thanks for reading! 💓
Summary: Unlimited questions possess Peter's mind, causing him to do something he might regret.
Warnings: A lil swearing, angsty-ish, sad-ish, just a lot of -ishes okay i'm sORRY

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3. Bargaining

Peter finally allowed himself to realize that you were dead. It wasn't until after he watched the casket with your body in it lower into the ground six feet deep. That's what, well, set it in stone.

He felt as though the universe was playing a sick joke on him. Not only did you two love each other for two years like you were already married, but you had already planned your future together. It was harsh reality for everything to end with you dying in his arms and him having to attend your funeral one month later on your two year anniversary. It was as if the two of you lived a lifetime together in those two years, and Peter wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

Fuck the universe.

His emotions and behavior could no longer be pinpointed. He was a mix of denial, anger, and love that could never be shared with you again. Most of all, he blamed everything and everyone around him. Not a second of the day went by without Peter thinking, Why couldn't I just stay by her side when we were fighting the aliens? Why did her suit not alarm Tony or me that something was wrong? She could have lived if she held on for a bit more so we could get her back to the compound, so why didn't she? He would live as if he were running on a motor, waiting to give out. He only ever allowed his thoughts to really accompany him. Did she choose to die? Why did she leave me? Can Mr. Doctor Strange really not bring her back? Can nobody bring her back?

Eventually, your boyfriend finally stopped isolating himself as often as before, though not completely. One night when all the Avengers were cramped together for another movie night, Peter sat aside in one of the kitchens that joined with the room so he could still see the others along with the TV. He observed their silent stares at the screen, but he knew better of what was on their minds: You.

"Hey, kid," Tony appeared in front of his mentee. "How's it going?"

Peter laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "It's going, Mr. Stark." The world was still rotating, Peter thought to himself, as if the most important girl in the world had no affect on it. These types of thoughts always overwhelmed his mind, getting to the point where he accepted the voices.

The man sighed, placing his forearms on the edge of the counter and faced Peter. He stared down at his clasped hands, contemplating his next words carefully. Peter watched his expressions, as if he was turning switches on and off to determine what emotion to show the boy. After a moment of tense silence, he spoke. "There's nothing you could do, alright?" Immediately Peter scoffed and shook his head some more. Tony looked into his eyes patiently and continued, "No, listen to me, Pete. Nobody could do anything. Trust me, everyone here wishes they did something different so maybe Y/N would still be here. But we can't turn back time-"

"Doctor Strange can," the boy interrupted.

"No," Tony overtook the conversation again. "I mean, yeah, he can, but he already looked through whatever was possible. He said her death was fixed, so nothing could prevent that."

Peter stared at the man in disbelief, unsure as to why it seemed everyone just repeated what they said to him for comfort. He gave up listening to their constant words at this point. He wished he could go back to your room and cry instead, like he'd been for the past month, but he was finally dry out of tears. "Mr. Stark. You probably know by now that I've thought about it a lot. I can't stop thinking about how maybe the world didn't need us that day." He kept his voice calm, though his words were edging on a topic he didn't want to discuss for the umpteenth time with another Avenger. Still, he continued. "You and everyone else could have handled it without us, do you realize that? She talked me into going, but we should have stayed. We should have been here. We should have-"

"Peter." Tony placed a hand on Peter's, calling to his attention. They looked contemplatively at each other, and Peter could see Tony keeping himself together despite what he was saying. "You have to stop thinking about that. Y/N may be dead, but she won't be as long as we keep her in our hearts-"

Peter ripped himself away from Tony and the counter he was leaning on. He pointed an accusing finger at him, yelling, "That's bullshit!" The sudden outburst caught the attention of the others across the room, but Peter went on with his voice raising one word after the next. "Stop telling me all of that bullshit about Y/N being kept alive in our memory and whatever pictures we have of her or what the news has of her and whatever other crap you have to say! You know it's not true! If one of us did something different, then she would still be here and you know it."

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose while the other Avengers began walking towards the two. They were hesitant, knowing whatever they did or said was walking on a thin line. Natasha was the first to speak up. "Peter-"

"No!" Peter looked at her accusingly, his eyes brushing over the others. He exclaimed to everyone, "Don't Peter me. Y/N should have been here! If anything, I should have been the one who died, not her."

"Don't say that," somebody warned, though Peter's vision was red with rage and was unsure what anyone was doing at this point. He stopped caring about how others perceived him at this point; he just felt like they needed to hear him one more time.

Peter began walking away, back towards your room. "I wish I wasn't an Avenger. I wish I never became an Avenger-"

"You know you don't mean that, Pete," Steve spoke up. He advanced towards the boy. "Remember that if you never joined us then you would never have met her-"

"So what?" Peter turned to the super soldier, making it obvious that he wasn't in the mood to hear another one of the captain's inspirational speeches. His eyes shot daggers at everyone who dared look back at him, though a majority allowed their vision to roam elsewhere. He spoke softly but with poison in every accusing word. "Y/N would still be alive, wouldn't she?"

Everyone went silent, unknowing of what to say. The boy was right and everybody knew anything they could do would set him off again. It was ridiculous of them to be so on edge because of a teenager, but they knew what grief could do to a person.

Peter began walking back towards your room, stopping midway to turn back around to the others when a thought suddenly occurred to him. He looked at everyone one after the other, only to be reciprocated with cautious faces. "I quit."

Though nobody was moving, the air tensed and every body was frozen. Tony broke the silence. "What do you mean, kid?" he asked, though knowing exactly what Peter was implying.

Peter blinked back tears he didn't know were coming. He became aware of his shaking body and clenched fists. He felt the warmth radiating off of himself in contrast to the cold atmosphere. He observed the people who grew to be like family, knowing they shared unconditional love. He saw the grief in their eyes, similar to what he chose to ignore every time he passed a mirror. His heart was racing, but he took a breath to push out his next words.

"I'm done. I'm quitting the Avengers." And with that, he turned back on his heel and stalked away.