Nin Chronicles: My Greenleaf

Undeserving

"Ada?" Thranduil asked.

Harune jumped nervously. "Yes?"

"Is there something you need to tell me?" Thranduil asked, suspicious of Harune's reaction.

"Not at all," Harune said quickly. Then he admitted, "Yes."

Thranduil made a small gesture with his hands. "Well? What is it?"

"It is rather difficult to explain," Harune began.

Thranduil raised his eyebrows. "Why not boil it all down into one sentence and not worry about the consequences? You have known me all your life so this should not be difficult."

"I intend to adopt Landion," Harune said, years of control allowing him to keep his voice level.

Thranduil frowned.

Harune rushed on, afraid Thranduil did not approve and panicked by the thought. "Of course, if he does not want me to, I will not force him—"

Thranduil held up a hand. "Wait, it was so difficult for you to tell me that which I already knew?"

"Knew?" said Harune, looking confused.

"I am not blind, you know," Thranduil said with an injured air. "I have watched and observed all these past months while you have been in here with Landion. Surely you do not expect me to miss all the sure signs when I have been through the exact same thing with Legolas?" He hugged his son to him.

"That was different," Harune argued.

"But the signs are the same," Thranduil said. He paused before asking, "Does he know?"

"Landion? I-I have not asked him yet. I thought I would make sure you had no objection first."

"And why would I object to a little brother?" Thranduil asked, one eyebrow arched in mock curiosity.

"He would be my uncle," Legolas interrupted, looking half-horrified at the idea.

Thranduil's face spilt into a grin. "Yes, he would . . . valar, what a laugh!"

Harune waited for Thranduil to stop chuckling. As his son's calm expression returned, Thranduil gestured toward the door, "Well, what are you still in here for? Have you suddenly lost your head? Go ask him!"

As Harune's feet carried him reluctantly toward the door, he heard Thranduil's thoughtful voice saying, "Legolas, you really should not interrupt."

Harune found himself dreading Landion's reaction. The short distance to Landion's room seemed long, he took it so slowly. He did not know why he was afraid; he never was. But rejection was the hardest wound a heart could bear . . . he never would have expected this small task to seem so daunting.

At the open door to Landion's room, Harune glanced self-consciously up and down the empty hallway before he crept into the room, feeling like an invader for unknown reasons.

"Landion," Harune said.

Landion looked up at him from the bed, his tears dried into his cheeks. His eyes were still wet but the flow of tears had stopped at least. The pillow under his cheek was dry but the damp one lay on the floor. He was curled on the bed, his face pale with misery, his small heart unable to accept the long life of loneliness he saw stretched out before him like a carpet with an end he could never reach, no matter how fast he ran. Behind his eyes swirled the dreaded images of abandonment and rejection.

Harune sat down beside the elfling and stretched out his arms, "Will you be my son?"

Landion's mouth fell open, the words he had been about to utter dying unspoken. For a minute his eyes lit up with joy but then darkness rolled over the light. Landion's lips trembled as he shook his head. How he wanted to throw himself into the warm embrace and accept his new father but . . . he could not. Tears filled his eyes as Harune stared at him in shock. His heart bled; he had ruined his only chance. Tumbling from the bed, he fled from the room.

Landion panicked as he saw Healer Jailil coming toward him and Harune emerging from the room behind him. He darted through the closest door and slammed it shut, leaning against it and panting. He cringed as Thranduil and Legolas both looked at him in surprise.

"S-sorry," Landion stammered, his mind awhirl with confusion. He could not sort anything about; he wanted to drop down and give in to his frustration and fear.

"What is wrong?" Thranduil asked.

Landion wanted to tell him so badly but he shook his head, glancing at Legolas.

"Shall I leave the room?" Legolas asked tactfully. Without waiting for an answer, he sprang out of bed and bounded for the door. Flinging it open, he charged out into the hall, yelling, "Freedom!"

From down the hall came Healer Jailil's roar of rage.

"I cannot," Landion blurted.

"Cannot what?" Thranduil patted the bed beside him. Landion came slowly, climbing up next to him with hesitance. His lips trembled and he flung his arms around Thranduil, burying his face in his chest. He felt Thranduil's fingers in his hair, undoing the knots.

"I cannot be his son."

"Do you want to?" Thranduil asked gently.

Landion nodded. "I want to with all my heart but I do not deserve him."

"Why not?" Thranduil questioned in surprise.

"Because—because I almost killed the people he loves most: you and Legolas. I cannot let him love me after what I did to you. It does not feel right. I feel ashamed of what I did, and I can never be forgiven. I am sorry." The elfling's body shook with grief and shame, trembling against Thranduil's body.

"Now, that is not true," Thranduil said, his voice soft. "Everything you blame yourself for is the fault of Lord Katar, not you. Harune loves you, Landion, and he loves you regardless of anything you may think you have done. But you must not blame yourself for what happened to us. You deserve his love."

Landion shook his head. "Why?"

"Because you have born with courage and bravery the events that have cut apart your life. Now let Harune sew it back together."

Landion swallowed, thinking about Thranduil's reasoning.

"Besides," Thranduil added, "one does not need to deserve love to receive it. Love is not earned, Landion."

"What is it then?"

"It is always there," Thranduil said, kissing Landion's sweaty forehead. "Just like I am here for Legolas and Harune will be for you."

Landion pulled away from Thranduil as Healer Jailil marched into the room, holding Legolas tight by the wrist. Legolas grinned at his father. "I made it out of the healing wing before he caught me."

"Into bed, young elfling, and none of your cheek," Jailil said firmly. "You need rest and it is my job to see you get it! If you leave bed one more time, I will be forced to take out restraints. Do you hear me?"

Chastened by Healer Jailil's tone, Legolas climbed into bed and curled against his father for protection. Landion ran out the door before the Healer could question him. Casting a last frown at Legolas, Healer Jailil left the room, shutting the door with a bang.