Smother (Kellic)

Regrets?

Jaime groaned beside me as he stretched, his eyes instantly sealing themselves as the morning sun made its way into our sleepless room. I looked at him and tried to see him as pure as Kellin, I tried to pull Kellin away from my thoughts as well.

Jaime, my boyfriend.
The man I will one day marry.
He is the one who should own all of my thoughts.

Why was it Kellin?

I love Jaime, and I have since I met him.
I got up from our bed when I felt tears sting my eyes, I shuffled into the kitchen where I got Jaime a glass of water and two painkillers. Barbara didn't follow me out this time, she stayed on the bottom of the bed and meowed at me weakly when I returned to my room.

"Hey, Barbara" I whispered gently as I ran my finger over her forehead before handing the glass of water and the pills to Jaime.

Jaime peeked at me with one eye before moving to sit up in bed, his hair was a mess and he had light bags under his eyes. "Can you just get me some whiskey?" he sighed as he decided it was too painful to open his eyes.

"Whiskey?" I asked, furrowing my brow at the question.

"Just so I can get a buzz and when it goes away I can deal with the hangover" he reasoned, seeming a bit annoyed with me.

I didn't want to argue, so I walked back into the kitchen and shuffled around some of the cabinets until I found it. I wasn't sure how much he wanted so I brought him the whole bottle, knowing he'd be happy with it.

The bottle wasn't full, as Jaime does casually drink, and usually he doesn't get drunk. I think it helps with the stress.

Especially the stress that I cause.

"Thank you" Jaime said gently as I made my way back to him. I watched as he uncapped the bottle and took long swigs from it, making a face as he pulled away.

He is definitely looking for more than a buzz.

We sat in silence as I pulled clothes from my drawers and sat them on the bed. "I'm going to take a shower, do you want me to run you a bath when I get out?" I asked. This is the most normal things have been in a while.

Why am I not feeling like things will be okay?

Is it because every time things seem to be good again they just get bad?

"Yes, please" he said in a soft tone as I nodded and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When I got in the bathroom I avoided looking in the mirror. I'm sick of myself. I started the shower and turned it to a decently hot temperature before undressing and getting in.

Everything seemed to rush back at me once I was alone.

Last night I cheated on Jaime, I kissed Kellin. No, I made out with Kellin. It wasn't just a simple kiss, it was a full on make out session. God, I deserve everything Jaime has done to me, I deserve all of the arguments and the slaps and the pushes. I deserve to be kicked out.

I don't deserve Jaime.
He's done so much for me and I just cheated on him.

I'm a monster.

God, the worst part of it all is that I loved it.
I wanted more of Kellin.

I just can't see him anymore. I made a mistake and now I need to deal with it, I can't lose Jaime. He saved my life, he's taken care of me.

God, why is everything so complicated?

I let myself cry as I showered, and when I was finally done washing my hair, I let my eyes pull themselves onto something I am always covering.

I traced the long, risen, disgusting purple scar that traveled from the top of my wrist almost to my elbow.

The scar that should've killed me before Jaime found me.

I could really do it this time, take some pressure away from Jaime-
No, I can't think like that anymore, that is how he already worries. I'm not going to kill myself, I wouldn't do that. It was a long time ago, it's over now.

I shook the thoughts and got out of the shower, turning the water on for Jaime's bath and plugging the drain. I wrapped the towel around my waist after I dried my hair and walked back into the bedroom. "Bath will be ready soon" I told him, glancing at the now empty bottle on the bedside table. Jaime had his eyes opened now and he smiled at me.

"Thanks" he said in a less than sober manner.

"You're welcome, love" I replied as I turned away from him and dropped the towel so I could get dressed.

"We've been together for seven years, we've had sex, I honestly don't understand why you still turn away from me when you change" he chuckled, standing up and stabilizing himself.

I smiled in reply as I reached for my shirt. Before I could put it on, Jaime was behind me, nearly pressed against me with his bare chest on my back. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but for some reason It wasn't as comforting or intoxicating as when I could smell it on Kellin.

Jaime's hand ran over my chest and he laid his head on my shoulder. This is the closest we've been in months. "You know, it's been way too long" he whispered in my ear, and at that point I knew what he wanted. For some reason the thought made me feel gross.

Jaime started to kiss my neck and I couldn't help but pull away from him, I could feel his disappointment and when I looked at his face I saw the hurt that I caused.
I instantly felt regret.

"Why don't you love me anymore?" he raised his voice, looking at me with said eyes "why are you so fucking cold to me? What have I done?" he yelled, obviously not sober and pretty upset.

"I do love you!" I replied, knowing that I shouldn't have pulled away.
"I just don't want the bath to overflow or get cold" I excused, knowing he didn't buy it.

"Right" he said coldy as he walked off to the bathroom and slammed the door, I flinched and let myself sit down on the edge of the bed.

I hung my head in my hands and tried to stop myself from crying, I realized what I had to do to fix this. I can't ruin everything again like I always do.

I know what he wants and I'll just give it to him, he won't be angry or doubt that I love him.

I took a deep breath and stood up, wiping my eyes before walking to the bathroom. I pushed the door open slowly, Jaime instantly turned his attention towards me and looked quite angry still.

"I-I heard that you aren't supposed to leave a drunk person in a bath alone, they could drown" I stated, hoping he would be light hearted about it. His face softned just a bit and I walked in, cracking the door behind me, he laid against the back of the tub with a curious expression.

I felt like I might panic but I did my best to control that as I let my boxers fall to my ankles, I stepped out of them and Jaime looked at me with an expression I couldn't read.
"Vic, you look like you're going to cry" he stated dully as he sat up a bit straighter.

This is what he wants.
If this is what will fix something I'm going to do it.

I don't know if it was because I didn't want him to be upset or if it was because I felt bad for cheating on him.

I leaned down over the edge of the tub and he met me with a kiss that was hard and expecting. He was quick to pull me into the tub with him as he kissed me, we kissed a lot before we did other things.

Not one kiss, not a single thing we did felt anywhere close to the way Kellin made me feel last night.
And I hate myself for it.